If you have ever wanted to improve your mental health you are not alone.
But how? Today, I focus on busting one unhelpful myth. THE MOTIVATION MYTH If I could just feel more motivated I would be able to achieve more/look after myself better / (insert your own saying). . Motivation can be defined as an internal process that directs and maintains behaviour. It is thought to be what causes you to move towards your goals. How many times have you said “I’m unmotivated”? Which translated means – I don’t feel like doing it. I’ll let you in on a secret, you may not know - Your brain sees change as scarey. Anything that disturbs your environment and is different, your brain processes as a potential threat. It then takes mental energy to work out whether it is a threat or not. So let’s say you start with a great idea that you would love to change your life so that you were braver, calmer, fitter, healthier. You can see yourself and all that you’d be doing when you achieve that goal. And that involves change. Changing your mindset, changing your schedule, changing up your habits. So, is your brain going to take all this change lying down? NO. As much as you stand there encouraging your brain – we can do this, we’ve got this, let’s go – it ain’t going to come easily. (imagine a toddler, in the supermarket aisle, not wanting to move). So, what do you do? You need a bridge. A well constructed bridge to take you from here (frazzled, overwhelmed, exhausted) to there (in control, calmer, confident). I can tell you one thing – that bridge is not going to be motivation. It may have some motivation in there – but to work it’s going to need structure, processes, knowing how to create habits that stick, knowing what obstacles are going to pop up and what to do about them, support from friends, family and/or an accountability buddy, a clear understanding of why this change is important to YOU, an understanding of the change process and self-compassion. This is why when I teach people how to improve their mental health – to get from here to there – it’s not just one session on motivation, dust my hands and say ‘you’ve got this’, and walk away. NO. I provide education, understanding, structure and fierce support. Improving your mental health requires a considered structured approach. It takes your time, your open mindedness and your commitment. So ask yourself. What is important to you? What really matters? Give yourself permission to invest in yourself and get support to create the bridge. Until next time, take care of yourself, Kim xx Of course, if you are experiencing significant distress please contact your GP, therapist or 000. For resources that can help see - https://positiveyoungminds.vipmembervault.com
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Yesterday the roadmap was delivered to Victorians. As a Victorian living in Metro Melbourne, the roadmap was worse than I had anticipated.
Worse both personally, and for the larger community. I am looking for strong forward sustainable leadership in regards to future town planning which maximises the resources available in each person’s 5 km bubble. Maybe that’s coming, but it wasn’t there yesterday. I am looking for leadership that supports family connection, and that wasn’t there yesterday. There are at least 7 weeks before I can see my parents, or any member of my family again. And at least 11 before we can come together as a whole family. None of my family are within my 5km radius. There are at least 7 weeks before my children can look at resuming a proper education – ranging from High School to University. So, yep it sucks. So yesterday I wallowed, a little bit. Something clicked in my brain and I slipped into self-sabotage mode. To me this is often a combination of not doing anything and over eating – not a healthy combination – and getting angry. If I am to name my anger, it would be disappointment, fear (the above will only happen if certain parameters are met), some envy and resentment. There will be no grand final meet up with family. If I’m going to be stuck in a 5km bubble, I want a better 5km bubble! I want a beach, or a forest, or a river walk, and/or some family! I have a lake .2 km out of my bubble. Do I risk it? In crisis it becomes the gap between the haves and the have nots - geographically, financially, emotionally, and socially becomes so apparent. In a crisis, this gap becomes a chasm. There are many of us who don't have friends who check in on us and who take the effort to make our iso birthdays something special. There are many people stuck in worse 5km radius than me. Those who don't have the money to indulge in Netflix, Foxtel, online purchasing, take away meals, or other distracting behaviours. There are many who don't have the resources or energy to get dressed each day, let alone create and finish any sort of project. And of course there are those stuck in a loveless or abuse relationship, unemployed, detoxing, the list goes on. The above, and more contribute to the anger I feel. So what, if anything, is the antidote to this anger? Do we just wait it out the best we can? Well, yes there is that but, here are a couple of things that may help Awareness first. You know those thoughts and feelings going around and around in your head, perhaps sabotaging you the way mine do? Get them out. Write them down, talk them aloud, acknowledge them, show them in the light and own them as yours. Now this is not denying that other people may have it worse. This sort of comparison does not help. This is acknowledging your hurt and your loss and all the reasons you may be feeling anger. From here there are a few options. If you have uncovered a sense of loss, hurt or suffering you may like to look at the Three Steps of Self-Compassion. You may like to channel the energy of that anger into something you can control, that fits with what is important to you. It might be writing a letter to your MP, starting a home construction/demolition project, going for a run, dancing to loud music, actively contacting (or recontacting) everyone you know in isolation to see how they are doing. Or you may wish to reconnect with a passion, a person, a therapist, a positive habit. Me? I’m taking stock (again) today. Looking at doubling down on exercise, doing something in the garden, taking pressure off myself to complete work projects and slowing down a little bit, spring cleaning the house. I’m also going to keep connecting with the people I care about and…find a new Netflix series. Vampire Diaries you’ve served me well, but you’re almost over. And, I’ve had one week off since March and am about to go and schedule in a couple more weeks when I finish this. Because, yes you can still burn out in isolation, in fact it can be even easier to do so. Where ever you find yourself day, take time to reflect on how you are really feeling, what you are really thinking and then act upon this feelings. If you would like some support with that I’m here for you. Whether that’s through self-care coaching or mentoring book an appointment now and we can talk about your next steps. Chat soon Kim Ross Child Psychologist, Fierce Self-Care Advocate and Founder of Positive Young Minds PS. If you enjoyed this blog, then come over and join the The Sprinkles of Wisdom for Wonderful Women Newsletter Club. You'll receive regular letters from me where I share insights, inspiration, reflections, support and do-able strategies on how you can create and integrate more calm, connection and confidence into your life without running away to Bali. *Updated on the 24th July 2021. As my eldest child faces another birthday in lockdown, and in Melbourne we are in Lockdown 5.0, what has changed in the last 12 months? COVID lockdowns are here to stay, at least until Australia reaches a level of acceptable vaccination. Since last year debate around vaccination effectiveness has increased. The Therapeutic Goods Association (TGA) have backflipped over appropriateness of the AstraZeneca (AZ) vaccine for different age groups. Recently it was said not be to suitable for anyone under 60. This was shortly after I received my AZ vaccine (and I'm 54). No wonder you're confused. The TGA has received and reviewed 399 reports of deaths in people who have recently been vaccinated and found six that were linked to immunisation. Availability of both the AZ and Pfizer vaccines are limited. So whilst there is political debate about the reasons behind these limitations, this is overlaid with what vaccine is best for what age group, how to prioritise the groups to receive it, and are the risks worth it. Amidst the debate, I know young adults who have quietly taken matters into their own hands and received the AZ from the family GP, as they decided that was the best option for them.. Currently we are watching NSW try and contain the virus, particularly in Western Sydney. The Federal Government is still trying to explain why there are not enough vaccines. The States are trying to hurry along purpose build quarantine facilities. It's now normal to check in with a QR code wherever you go. Shop front businesses are struggling. Children are in and out of school and out of school activities. Parents are taking on and putting off their pseudo teaching hats. University students are having course completion dates extended because they can't do placements. Young adults are losing casual jobs because they can't go to work. People are looking for new fabric masks as the old ones are becoming worn out. New South Welshman are locked out of Victoria, Victorians not in the State are locked out of Victoria. The Olympics is going ahead without crowds, with 17% of athletes unvaccinated. COVID-19 and COVID lockdowns are causing emotional distress in the community and amongst individuals. How do you take care of yourself in the midst of this distress? Some initial research into the first month of COVID-19 found mental health difficulties were at least twice as prevalent as in non-pandemic circumstances. Studies into the mental health impact of COVID are ongoing, and seem to indicate that for many people once the external stress of COVID reduces, such as coming out of lockdown, levels of anxiety, psychological distress and loneliness also reduce. However for many individuals the impact is much longer lasting. WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY? In many people the presence of COVID-19 and being in the midst of a panademic triggers fear (as well as anger and sadness). At its most basic a pandemic represents a threat to life. Additionally, the presence of COVID-19 threatens your health, your liberty, your place in society, and exposes the divide between the haves and the have nots, both locally and globally. The nature of Covid-19 is accompanied by factors other than physical threat that are contributing to increased anxiety, psychological distress and loneliness in the community. These factors include loss or lack of control, the unknown, uncertainty, economic pressure and isolation; and the presence of other emotions such as sadness and anger. Loss or lack of control Having the government restrict movement is not something our society is used to, or likes. It raises questions such as of how far is this going? Is it needed? When your daily routine is changed by someone else this is very disruptive. Additionally, government control highlights societal vulnerability. Societal vulnerability and level of resources There are numerous examples of how your circumstances impact on your ability to manage Covid-19 and contribute to anxiety. I have outlined a few below
The unknown and living with uncertainty With Covid-19 you don’t know what is going to happen next. You wait each day to see what the numbers are doing. There are have many cases of unknown origin. You don’t know where the next cases are going to be found, you don’t even know when the next press conference is going to be held. You don’t know when you’ll be put into lockdown, or how long is it going to last? Even in Victoria, the Lockdown 5.0 the roadmap is still a day by day proposition. The number one question from journalists is, when are we going to get out of this? Your brain craves routine. We really are creatures of habits, and when the way you live is changed without your control it contributes to anxiety. Your thinking brain is designed to problem solve, and when it can’t do that effectively due to lack of information, or changing parameters, this creates anxiety. Not knowing when it will end and what the long term repercussions will be. Will I get my job back? When will Jobkeeper finish? When can I open my business? Am I going to lose everything? These are chronic sources of stress, leading to ongoing anxiety. Isolation Prior to Covid-19 the world was experiencing unprecedented loneliness and isolation. Although as part of Covid-19 the emphasis is on connecting people virtually, there are many, particularly vulnerable people for whom physical isolation is a significant contribution to increased loneliness. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FEEL ANXIOUS? When anxiety, or your fear response, is triggered your body responds on instinct. It sends you into an acute stress response. Without you thinking about it, physiological changes in the body happen that are designed to keep you safe. Once your brain identifies something as a threat to your safety, it sends a message to your adrenal glands requesting energy to take action. When your body responds a cocktail of biochemical survival hormones are released such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortisol, norepinpephrine and ephinephrine. These hormones influence everything you do, from eating and running to feeling, thinking and behaving. Your heart will start beating quicker as it pumps blood to the areas that your brain believes are needed right now, like your muscles. A rush of adrenaline causes your lungs to take in more oxygen which the heart pushes to the rest of the body. Your breathing becomes more rapid and shallow as the airway between the nose and the lungs constricts. WHAT IS THE FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE? Examples of the Fight Response Includes arguing with the government and authorities, defiance (eg breaking the law and community standards – think house parties, extended family gatherings, toilet paper hoarding, refusing to be wear masks, check in), blame, deflect, disbelief (eg conspiracy theories) increase of domestic violence, ostracization, and abuse. Examples of the Flight Response Includes people fleeing to their holiday homes. Other people may avoid all societal contact, not even going out for daily walks. Example of the Freeze Response Think stuck brain. Inability to change routines or do anything proactive. For example – binge watching Netflix, losing track of the day, not being able to adjust to current reality. WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOUR FEAR RESPONSE IS TRIGGERED? Usually when the situation that triggers the fear response disappears, your body starts to return to normal. The fear response is an emergency response and is designed for short term work. However, when a threatening situation is ongoing, like the threat of COVID-19, you can start to experience chronic stress. Without engaging in intervention, like good self-care, your feelings can start to overwhelm you. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE CHRONIC STRESS? Some of the common effects of chronic stress can include:
HOW CAN I HELP REDUCE MY ANXIETY? Some of these factors above you can do nothing directly to change. When a threat is ongoing, without intervention your Fear Switch will keep firing and that’s unsustainable. You will end up exhausted and your mind and body energy will run out. I can’t get rid of the ongoing threat of COVID-19 or tell you when it will end, however, there are many things you can do help reduce your anxiety and general stress levels. I am going to share with you some practical strategies that you can do right now. This is where self-care is so important. Taking responsibility for your physical and mental health changes the focus away from what you can’t control to what you can control. Of course, if your level of stress and anxiety is significant please seek professional assistance. There are a number of organisations providing free support especially related to COVID-19. For places other than Victoria you can always check in with your GP as your first point of call. Reduce exposure to the news cycle.
I can’t get rid of the ongoing threat of COVID-19, or tell you when it will end, however, there are many things you can do help reduce your anxiety and general stress levels. ultivate happiness.
Focus on what you can control Look at what you can control. Your mind is a thinking machine and left to its own devices will go over and over again all the what ifs. Journalling is a great way to express your feelings and thoughts and help with clarity. Here is a journal prompt to help you get into a more positive and constructive mindset. Grab a piece of paper and pen and start to write - “I can control……”, or “I have control over….”. Aim to fill the whole page and start each new sentence with one of the prompts. Move your body To calm your body a daily walk is thoroughly recommended. I know for me Covid-19 restrictions have meant less incidental exercise., this is the exercise you do without planning for it and having to organise things. For me I have always walked when I take my children to their sport training, or watch them at activities. But their activities aren’t on at the moment. Maybe you used to walk your children to school and can’t do that anymore, or walked part of the way to work, and now you are working from home. But I want to add in dancing, because maybe you can’t walk outside for some reason, or you just want to try something different.. This you can do in short bursts at home. Make a playlist, or just play your favourite CD, album or dance without music. Let yourself really go and move to your emotions. Love your life What is important to you? How can you still access that in your current circumstances? This can require some creative thinking. What can you can do to continue your pursuit of meaning? My value of supporting people is now being expressed entirely online through telehealth, vlogs, writing, zoom meetings etc, rather than face to face. Tune into yourself Connect with yourself. When you acknowledge how you are really feeling, this is a way of releasing some of your feelings power over you. It may sound weird, but I encourage you to give it a go. You can simply say it aloud. “I am feeling worried”, “I am feeling stressed” etc. The emphasis is on saying the word feeling, rather than saying, “I’m so worried”, “I’m stressed”. Try it both ways and see how it feels. You might be scared of acknowledging how you are really feeling, OR you might be totally stuck in the feeling. Either way this strategy can help. You cannot block out just one emotion successfully. If you do, you are effectively stopping your emotional message system. You become numb and unable to experience joy and other positive emotions as well. You tend to stop caring about yourself and your needs. This is not what we want to be the legacy of COVID-19. Looking after yourself, practicing positive, practical self-care is the best way to avoid long-term mental health difficulties. Be kind to yourself How would it feel to treat yourself, talk to yourself like you were your best friend? You are doing the best you can at the moment. But sometimes we all need a bit of reminding. Actively practicing self-compassion can help reduce distress. Give it a go. IN CONCLUSION COVID19 is both an acute, and an ongoing stress. You might be experiencing psychological distress, anxiety and loneliness. Your feelings are moderated by past experiences, your resources, thoughts, feelings, knowledge, physical and mental health. They are also influenced by societal factors such as class, income, minority status. You can interrupt the stress response. You can manage your feelings, think clearer, make better decisions, prevent chronic stress conditions and keep living your best life you can. Practice nurturing tuning into yourself, loving your life, moving your body, focusing on what you can control, cultivating happiness, and being kind to yourself. Thank you for reading. If you have found this article useful, please share with someone who it might help. Until next time, take care of yourself. Kim Dunn Psychologist | Fierce Self-Care Advocate. ps 7 Mini Stress Busters is a one page download that you can stick on your fridge, and includes some of the above strategies. pps This is how I felt coming out of Lockdown 4.0. You want to look after yourself more, but seriously, who has the time (or energy) for that.
And really, what difference would it make anyway? I get it. When my children were young and didn't sleep very much self-care seemed like a luxury that I would get to , one day. I so wish I'd realised then, how incorporating little things that fitted what I was going through (no time, money or energy!) could make a difference. Did you know that every time you make a choice you lose something? It’s called opportunity cost. It’s unavoidable because you can’t be in two places at once, you can’t browse Facebook and get the dishes done, you can’t eat pizza and fish and chips and Chinese for dinner – you have to make a choice. And choosing to engage in self-care, or not….. …is no different. But first let’s take a brief detour and let me dispel a myth for you. Self-care is not all about pedicures, massages and pampering. Sure, whilst there’s no doubt that some people love this and it helps them rejuvenate themselves; it’s only one, small, aspect of self-care. Self-care is all about YOU looking after your physical and mental health. The action you take can be positive, practical and personalised. That’s the best type of self-care – finding out what you need and doing what works for you. Back to the opportunity cost of NOT prioritising self-care. Not being mindful (one of the key self-care tools) can lead to forgetfulness, missing non-verbal cues in conversations and harming connection, not being present for the best moments in the day, missing the everyday beauty around you. Not doing something that brings you joy can lead to resentment and sadness. Not practicing gratitude can lead to envy and jealousy. Not exercising can lead to depressed mood. Not reaching out to others when you are feeling lonely can lead to increased isolation and lack of connection.. Not practicing self-acceptance can lead to a feeling of not being worthy and not speaking up for yourself. Not going to the doctor can lead to undiagnosed and untreated physical illness. Not enforcing boundaries can lead to burnout and a deep sense of being taken for granted. So, in answer to the question that was posed at the start – what difference does engaging in self-care make anyway? Incorporating positive, practical, self-care strategies that reflect YOUR needs can make a world of difference to your health, your mood, your life. Now, just because it’s self-care, I really, really want to stress one thing. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. I am here to help you work out what you need, what strategies will work best for you and your circumstances, and to teach you positive, practical strategies that take very little time. Just to show you that these strategies don’t have to take long, here’s a simple one for you to try. Look up from reading this and find something that catches your eye and makes you smile. Allow yourself to focus on this feeling and the thoughts that go with it. Maybe it’s something your chid made, maybe you bought it for a special reason, or at a special place. Maybe it is just beautiful or was given to you by a special person. Then, if this thing is cluttered by other things, make space for it to shine by itself. That’s it. You have just practiced self-care. You have touched on emotional self-care, connection and meaning. You have also practiced using you Awe and appreciation of beauty muscle. If you feel inclined to send me a quick email, I would love to know how you went with this exercise. PODCAST UPDATE Ever shut up instead of standing up? Ever allowed others to shine whist dimming our own light. The world needs you to be at your best. I talk about this and what may be stopping you in the latest podcast. How to stand up instead of shutting up. What it takes to express your authentic self. Until next time, take care xx Kim PODCASTS
As you may already know, podcasts are my go to at the moment. Whether it be catching up with the latest in psychology, business or self-development, I have a range I can choose from according to the move. Some are great for listening to in the car, some when I’m lying down resting, some for when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, and others when I’m really in the mood to learn something new. In fact, they are a perfect way for mums to learn. Some podcasts are short, some are longer, so you can pick and choose. Below is a list of my top 6 favourites at the moment, although they do change from time to time. Private Practice with Soul by Dr Brooklyn Storme. The Content 10x – Amy Woods Brand You Personal Branding – Mike Kim Marketing that Converts by Teresa Heath-Wareing Potential Psychology – Ellen Jackson Parental as Anything ABC radio. And a special shout out to two really new podcasts Phoenix Rising with Gallagher Psychology by Patricia Gallagher, and Course Creation Bites by Sam Winch And of course I love my own (because it would pretty terrible if I didn’t!) Creating Connections that Matter by Kim Dunn. Do you listen to podcasts? If you've listened to mine I would love to know what you think, and I am always interested in what you would like to hear more of, simply drop me a quick email. Trust – it’s a slippery little sucker. What causes us to trust someone? Do you trust people implicitly or does it take a long time to build up and develop trust that is quickly destroyed? What do you trust people with – your secrets, your money, your heart, your life? Trust and vulnerability are a cornerstone of connection. It starts at birth. Babies trust their mothers to feed them, pick them up when they cry, cuddle them. Responsiveness and predictability are key to attachment and connection. As a psychologist, the relationship between myself and my client is inherently trust based. My clients trust that I will do the right thing by them. That I will listen and seek to understand without judgement. That I will value and respect their experiences, their goals, their vulnerabilities. Within the clinic space they can let down their guards and don’t need to be strong. They trust that I will guide them using proven methods and honour their journey. That I will work within my expertise and the ethical and legal boundaries of the profession. Did you realise that 50% of ‘success’ in therapy is due to the relationship between therapist and client. And when you think about how important trust is, this totally makes sense. Many years ago I sought out counselling through the services provided by my then work, and began seeing a therapist. This person crossed boundary lines. They crossed boundary lines in a number of ways. I followed their behaviour up with a complaint, but that too was unsatisfactory. This incident totally derailed the therapeutic process for me. It destroyed the connection. It created a mistrust of the counselling profession which I maintained for many years, and, a mistrust of my own experiences. Why am I telling you this? I have described an unequal power relationship which was abused by one party. This wasn’t the first time I experienced this and it wasn’t the last. It’s also not uncommon. You may have experienced something similar. Here is what may help:
If you are specifically looking for a mental health professional and want more information on professional and ethical conduct.:
I hope this helps. If you want to find out more about my story go to the latest podcast episode https://anchor.fm/kim-dunn/episodes/How-a-therapist-broke-my-trust---and-how-you-can-protect-yourself-against-something-similar-happening-to-you-ear293. As always you are welcome to email me or book an appointment on 0408533515. Until next time, take care of yourself Kim |
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Disclaimer* These articles are provided by Kim Ross, Psychologist for general information and education . They are not designed to be used for therapy.. If you are experiencing stress please contact your GP or mental health professional.
AuthorKim Ross is an Online Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Private Practice Sustainability. Archives
October 2023
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