Does your child have meltdowns over school uniforms?  In my last blog I talked about some ways of helping reducing any anxiety your child may have about starting either school for the first time, or changing schools.  Today is about the uniform.  

This is often a contentious issue for children and adolescents I have seen over the years.  Uniforms by virtue of their name are meant to be an equalising factor in the school equation (see what I did there.. a maths reference..).  They are also an important part of the branding for many schools.  

​But as we know not all children fit the one size fits all uniform.  There are many reasons for this - sensory sensitivities is a major factor.  It includes things like - this tie is strangling me, my jumper/pants are itchy, and I hate the feel of school shoes. 

These issues can result in arguments between parents and children and students and their teachers.  However, just a few simple tips can help avoid some of the frustrations that often arise with uniforms.

1. If your child has sensory sensitivities, it is a great idea to have them get used to wearing their school uniform, including the shoes and hat.  If doing this doesn't work, it's time to sit down and negotiate some modifications with the school.

2. Where ever possible see if you can source second hand uniforms - much better for your finances and the environment. And often these are good to help with sensory sensitivities because they are softer.

3. Check what is compulsory and what isn't. Does your child want/need a variation?
Are girls allowed to wear 'shorts'? This is a common one that pops up. If it's not on the list, but is something your child wants to do - this is one worth a call with the school and possibly worth taking a stand on.

Is your child anxious about starting school?

​I remember when my eldest child started school. They were was so excited.  I was anxious... Will they like it, what will their teacher be like, how can I help, do I stay in the classroom?  The questions were endless.  We had done some orientation but it was still a bit scarey.  Together we negotiated the year.  They had a wonderful teacher.  She was strict, but clear, with us newbie parents and we felt a part of the class. 

If you're feeling some of my first day at school nerves, have a think about your first day at a new job, or walking into a new group of people.  What helps - some knowledge, preparation, confidence, a friendly smile - these will help your child too.  Drop them off confidently with a big smile, your confidence will transfer to your child (then meet up with the other Prep parents to express your concerns and try and find answers to your questions). 

Knowledge
Share with your child what you know about the school, their teacher, the classroom,  go over the information you received at orientation.

Preparation

• Help your child to become familiar with the setting, routines and activities they will participate in at school. 
• These include activities such as spending time at the school when there are no students there. 
• Give your child a map of the school and go there on weekends, holidays or after school hours so that they can develop a mental visual map of their surrounds.  
• Depending on the school their playground may be available for public use.  If so, let them play in the playground and become familiar with the school.  Be aware if there are particular areas of the school they must and must not play in.  Use this knowledge to determine where you allow them to play in the playground.
• A few weeks before the start of school eating snack and lunch at the same time they will be eating them at school, from the same container.  Make sure you are familiar with rules around food, including ‘nude’ food, whether or not nuts are allowed, how long they have to eat etc.  Let them practice using their lunchbox - and check for things like whether or not they can open it.
• Allow them to wear their uniform, including shoes to get used to the different feeling.

Confidence

• If they are worried, talk to them about what they are worried about. Explain that most people feel a bit anxious when they are starting something new.  Share a time when you felt anxious.  This helps normalise their feelings. Practice some calming strategies such as mindfulness.
• Talk about this and problem solve with them.  It may be helpful to write this down. 
• Share stories from when you started school.
• Help them see their anxiety as anticipation - like it feels just before going on a ride at the show.
• Ask the librarian to help you find relevant books to read to them about starting school – there are quite a few around.
• Remind them of other times they have started new activities and how they coped.
• Remind them of their strengths - whether it be friendliness, determination, cognitive ability, sense of humour, creativity etc.

Have you been trying to fit mindfulness into your life?  Looking for an easy way to do it?  What to know more about what mindfulness is - have a look here.  For one practical way of introducing it in your life keep reading .....

Creating new habits can be really hard, particularly if you are trying to do it alone.  

One way that helps is to link your new positive habit with something you already do.  This means instead of creating a whole new life to fit a habit, you fit the habit into your existing life.  

One example.  Most mornings I go for a walk along the same path.  I am incorporating mindfulness by paying attention each walk to something different, or looking at the same thing differently.  The photos on this page were both taken on the same path, but largely on different days.  This is my monthly challenge, and I am posting on Facebook and Instagram.  

If you would like to join the challenge come and join us.  Or let us know how you easily fit mindfulness into your day.

If you would like to have a go at making changes in your life by starting small and supported, have a look at our 7 Steps to Change challenge.

If you are interested in mindfulness have a look at these two posts which are a sample of my writings on mindfulness.  MIndfulness and crocheting and Mindfulness and Driving.   

Wishes aren't just for fairy tales.  

How many times a day do you hear yourself saying, "I wish I didn't look at my phone so much", "I wish I was fitter", I wish I could get more sleep", "I wish my children would do as they were told", "I wish.....".

Unlike in fairy tales we don't have a fairy godmother to come along and grant our wishes with a swish of her wand.

​But if that wish is important enough to you,  you can work at making some of our wishes come true for yourself...

You can learn how to reduce your dependence on devices, you can get fitter, you can learn about sleep hygiene and improve your sleep patterns, and you can learn and implement different child behaviour strategies.

What can be difficult is knowing where to start.... And then having the support to keep going.  

​I know that working on my fitness is so much easier when I have a fitness buddy who can come to the gym, go for a walk with me.

Now I don't have a magic wand, but I do know the steps that can help you work on turning your wish into a reality.

Now I don't know normally say things that sounds this outrageous.  But there are sound reasons why?  If you are interested in how - take a look at the video.  Let us know what you think..

I asked someone what gift they wanted to give themselves, they said gratitude sounded boring.  
 
So what would you give yourself?
 
They didn’t hesitate – self-confidence.
 
So that is today’s gift we give to you.
 
The gift of believing in yourself and allowing yourself to do what is important to you.
 
Christmas can be a huge time of self-doubt and events that seem to conspire to delete our self-confidence.  Personally when I see people go out to fun work events, or doing wonderful things with their family I can hear this nagging voice that says “see that, why aren’t you doing that?  Why don’t you have the ability to make things that like that happen”.  

Maybe you are estranged from your family, too ill to create anything special at Christmas, don’t have work and struggle to find money to pay for gifts, are single and despair of finding a partner, or even more simply can’t make a gingerbread house to save your life.  

​Maybe you are lacking the confidence to have the Christmas you want to have, not what is expected from you.

Or it can be that when we catch up with certain family members of old 'friends' memories of our past mistakes and failures are brought up.
 
Christmas can magnify the areas in our life where we lack confidence. 

Self-confidence and comparison
Most young children believe the world revolves around them and of course whatever they do is wonderful – just think kindergarten drawings, first steps, made up stories.  
 
Then you hit school and the comparisons of your abilities, your achievements, your looks, your background, your clothes, begin – and they never stop.  And at Christmas we are never short of comparisons with what other people are doing (even if we know that what we see on social media is not the total picture).
 
When you practice a new skill, when you build up the knowledge over time that there are some things you actually do well, your confidence grows. When you receive feedback on your abilities, your looks, your achievements, or on other things that are important to you, your confidence grows.
 
But what if it doesn’t, or how do you build self-confidence? ​

​You can work on practicing your skills of connecting with others at Christmas, but you may find this isn't enough, forgiveness may be your missing skill.  

At Christmas a lot of old hurts can show up. You may be catching up with people you only see infrequently, and so whilst you have been able to practice avoidance throughout the year, all of a sudden that is no longer possible.  And then amongst other expectations at Christmas is that you ‘play nice’ or the day.
 
You may also have trouble forgiving people who are now no longer in your life, or have an ex-partner who has chosen not to see their children at Christmas (and yes it happens a lot) and be feeling resentful about this.  There may be fractious family relationships, there may be hurt from friends who don’t seem to be making an effort to catch up.  The list of possible sources of resentment is almost endless.
 
So what is forgiveness?  Do you do it once and only when the person involved has apologised and promised not to do it again? Do you forgive someone as many times as it takes? Over and over?  

Can you forgive someone who doesn’t want to be forgiven? Is forgiveness an act of self-care, of grace, or an act of rebuilding a friendship or relationship?  Or perhaps it can be any of these and all of these.
 
As a parent sometimes I am practicing forgiveness almost on an ongoing basis.  There is a constant reminder that we and our children are imperfect but if we dwell on that it will get in the way of relationship building.  

We need to let go continually of the hurts and the disappointments that come with human imperfection.  And this comes more easily to some people.  And it is easier to forgive some people than others...  

Yep.  We are constantly sold on the magic of Christmas with beautiful perfect images.  You and I both know that that is not how real people live!  And you can turn yourself inside out with trying to match this.  

I discussed in an earlier post about how the number one way to reduce Christmas stress was to ask yourself and your family what was the one thing they looked forward to and enjoyed about Christmas.  Tip no 1. Remind yourself of what this is.

.I have been through the whole putting up the tree journey. For many years the children fought over who would put the star on the top and took it in turn each years, often accompanied by tears. They took great pride taking the decorations out and placing them on the tree. I used to be a little concerned with how 'bizarre' everything looked and secretly moved some decorations around after they finished.

Now? Well I was out for an hour, came back and the tree was up. No star. I asked where the star was. My youngest found it and put it on the tree... Just like that.... I actually kind of miss the fight, it reflects how important it was for them.

Tip no 2. Look at how what you are thinking about your Christmas decorations.  Is your thinking realistic?  If your thinking revolves around comparison with others, wishful thinking and a sense of not being good enough.... take a step back.  Is it more important to put the decorations on the tree that your child has made at kindergarten or for the baubles too match?
Tip no 3.  Check whether you and your children are enjoying the decorations and tree.  If not, it's time for a rethink.  What is most important to you about Christmas.  Is it how great the tree is?  If that is actually really important to you, maybe you could have two trees - one for you and one for the children.  If it's not actually that important, release the thoughts and the feelings so they no longer are hijacking your Christmas!

Bonus tip If you are not enjoying your decorations, and/or have too much, think about those that are the most important to you and your family and give the others away. Too much clutter - even if it's Christmas clutter - can be overwhelming.

So, if you find yourself being swept away by the need for perfection, judging your decorations and lack of colour coordination and thinking you don't have enough time to do it right. Check your thinking!  Don't let unrealistic expectations hijack your Christmas spirit.

​No matter what remember, your tree is enough and you are enough (funny but not funny).

ps. our tree is shorter this and on a table because we have a new guide dog puppy (@guidedogejeanie)!.  
pps I'd love to see a photo of your tree.  You can post it in the comments below..  

Does your child come home from school complaining about doing mindfulness?  Isn't mindfulness meant to be relaxing and fun?

Well, that depends....

So why when I start to talk to adolescents about using mindfulness as part of therapy, am I frequently hearing the response "ugh"?