How do you feel when your baby, toddler or child does not sleep through? And what is sleeping through anyway? Are you and your child getting enough sleep? Currently, if my sleep is uninterrupted I function well on about 7 and a half hours. However, there were many, many years where I could count on one hand the number of uninterrupted sleeps I had for the whole year. Two of my children were very poor sleepers. One of them screamed with colic and undiagnosed food allergies for a year. He slept briefly when I sat on a fitball bouncing him up and down. Although his screaming improved with age, he had frequent night terrors and developed habits such as coming in very frequently to our room. He slept through with a little bit of consistency (3-4 nights a week) at about seven years. The other child slept through for the first time when he was about five years. Any wonder that my major thesis at University was on Influences of Early Childhood Sleep Difficulties, Fatigue, Social Support and Personality on the Development of Maternal Self-Efficacy…. So what does sleeping through mean? Sleeping through is defined as between 5-6 hours of non interrupted sleep. Most infants do this at about 6 months of age. By about eight months 60-70% of infants can self-soothe – put themselves back to sleep. Full maturation of infant sleep occurs about the age of three, however, night wakings are unstable until then. So it is normal for your child not have a full nights sleep until about the age of three. Studies show that about a quarter of school aged children have some sort of sleep difficulty. Yes, I though I would give that sentence some space all by itself.
We tried many different approaches to these sleep problems. With my first chid I tried to follow all the guidelines given to establish good sleeping patterns, but they just did not work for him. Strategies across the years included a few trips to sleep school, co-sleeping in my bed, and co-sleeping in another bed in our bedroom. We also tried getting up each time a child came in and putting them back to bed without a sound; telling them to go back to bed themselves; and waking up and finding them lying in the bed and being too tired to put them back to theirs. We had reward charts. We had regular bedtime routines. We also had disruptions caused by shiftwork and illness – in other words real life. And how did I feel through all of this? exhausted, despairing, like a failure, angry, frustrated, and at the end of my rope. It was an extremely difficult time. Sleep deprivation is challenging, for the child and the parent. It leads to impaired cognitive functioning, which is another way of saying you have trouble making decisions, and in fact trouble just thinking about anything. The more fatigued you are the more your ability to remain calm is like to be effected. Sleep difficulties can be very complex and there are physiological, emotional, behavioural, and environmental factors to be examined. Throughout this process trying to keep up with self-care is important, make naps and rest (for yourself) a priority, check in with how you feel,. Self-blame and feeling a failure as a parent may happen. Being able to recognise and let these feelings go can help. If you feel you need some help it is worth checking in with a professional. A paediatrician is a good place to start and can take a close look at underlying physiological causes. Helping with behavioural, environmental and emotional factors is something I can work on with you in a private parent consultation. You don't need to cope with the fatigue and the emotional rollercoaster sleep difficulties bring alone. I'm wondering what sort of conversations you are having with your young person about how school is going for them so far this year. As a family, yesterday afternoon we had a special 'getting through the week' ice cream treat and a brief check in. Some of our discussion centred on what everyone's character strengths were. Yes, mum may be a little bit of a nerd sometimes.... This page link below takes you to an article called 'Setting yourself up for a great year'. The article gives some suggestions for how older students can take a more positive approach to their studies. Although it doesn't talk directly about strengths, it highlights opportunities schools provide for your child to use strengths such as curiosity, self-regulation, perseverance, zest, hope, humour, bravery and social intelligence. When you look at this article there may be a suggestion that jumps out at you as a good fit for your child. If so, it could be that you are recognising a match between the suggestion, and a strength of your child. If you think your child may benefit from the suggestion you may want to discuss this suggestion with them, ........ or print the article out and leave it lying around on the kitchen table. http://andrewfuller.com.au/free-resources/#parents Do you remember being at the shops and seeing someone you know? Being a friendly sort you give them a wave or a smile. But they don’t wave back. I know, it’s pretty rude isn’t it. And you might feel a bit of a dill and wonder if other people are looking at you. Or perhaps you wonder if they are ignoring you on purpose, and that makes you feel a bit anxious. So perhaps you take on some of this uncertainty and carry it around with you for the rest of the day, or until you see them again. Does your child spill milk on the floor when they are preparing their breakfast, and you think, or say, “bugger, another mess to clean up”? Especially when you have a busy day ahead. Does this sound like you? Do you tend to automatically focus on the negative of a situation? Or do you think, “maybe they didn’t see me”; “isn’t it great he’s becoming independent”. Having a negative response bias is a type of distorted or helpful thinking style. We all may do this from time to time, but more so when we are under prolonged stress or feeling depressed. We may see our weaknesses and forget our strengths. When someone gives us feedback we focus on the negative and reject the positive. Noticing the positive is a choice, and it is also a skill we can develop. Maybe the next time you notice a negative thought, look for an alternative explanation, see a different perspective, choose to focus on the positive, and allow the negative thought to take a backwards role. photo by http://www.buddhadoodles.com
Do your children like each? How do you feel when they fight and argue? As a mother I feel it is important that when my children grow up they will be there for each other. That when one is stuck or upset they can pick up the phone or whatever is the most appropriate form of communication in 10+ years time, and know the person on the other end will be there for them. Or when they have wonderful news they do the same. That when they have something to celebrate they can do so with each other. That together they have a supportive community. Because if they can’t do this, why do we create families?
Wow, this a lot of expectation to put on children who are still growing up and developing their communication and interaction skills. When I stop and look at my thinking behind these expectations I can hear thoughts like “My children should get on.” If they don’t get on now, they will not have anything to do with each other in the future”. “I am a terrible mother (and psychologist) because I can’t make my children like each other”. Does thinking like this make me feel good? Does it support me in my goal of creating the best family I can? No, of course not. These are examples of distorted/unhelpful thinking. If I keep thinking like this I’m going to lose my optimism and hope. There are many types of distorted thinking.. Noticing them may not change the fact that my children are arguing, but it gives me space to take a breath and make some decisions about how I want to react (or not react to the situation). This will vary depending on the age of the siblings, the issue, location, history, individual temperament, parenting philosophy etc. As a parent when you are able to notice and pause it gives you a chance to tap into your own parenting wisdom. If you are a regular reader of my posts you'll notice I mention noticing a lot. To some people this sounds too simple to be of much help. It is simple, but that is no reason to dismiss it as not being effective. Noticing things tends to be the first strategy I teach my clients and it is a practice I use everyday in my own life. Today was the first day all three children were going to school. I tend to lay in bed in the morning and listen to them move around each other. This is not being lazy, this is helping them cultivate their own independence. Yes, it is. Also, just like their mother, at least one of them prefers to move around in their own little bubble not interacting with the world until they wake up properly, so sometimes adding more people into the morning mix is not helpful. However, as I lay in bed I can hear what is happening. Two children needed to be taken to school. There were two adults available to do the driving this morning and one child was saying they wanted their dad to take them. At this point I realised it would require another adult, me, to hop up so that arrangements could be made. As I put one foot on the floor I felt something shift inside me so I took a moment in between placing the other foot on the floor to check in on myself. When I did I noticed a spot of irritation starting to grow inside me, it was green and spikey. It was small, but threatened to get bigger. This feeling was also accompanied by a negative voice. It sounded a little like a whiney child - "here we go again, the demands are starting'. Now this was totally irrational and out of proportion to the situation. Here is the exciting bit.... As I placed my attention on to this spot I felt it stop growing and shrink back to nothing. My irritation disappeared. This all happened in the time it took to place my other foot on the floor. And I left my room calm I don't know what you think about this - but noticing, simple yes, effective yes, yes, yes. |
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Disclaimer* These articles are provided by Kim Ross, Psychologist for general information and education . They are not designed to be used for therapy.. If you are experiencing stress please contact your GP or mental health professional.
AuthorKim Ross is an Online Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Private Practice Sustainability. Archives
October 2023
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