So, you'd like to stop feeling guilty.

If you're like me you are not short of examples where motherhood guilt popped up its head.

As recently as last week I was at an all day event and about 11.30 I received a text from my youngest.

It read
'Mum, where are you?'  😳😳

So, yes.
I put my hand up for another vote towards the Worst Mother of the Year Award.

Well, first the bad news about feeling guilty...

You cant really stop it....

But....

You don't really want to.

Guilt is an emotion, and like all emotions it has a purpose - it is giving you feedback and guidance on your life.

 It is important that you feel guilt.

There are two question to ask yourself: 

1. What is this emotion telling you?  
2. Is this helpful in helping you lead YOUR best life?.  

 
Have a look at these two examples.

1. You forgot to call your mum for her birthday and now you’re feeling guilty.
2. You want to go out for lunch with your friend and your child doesn’t want you to go.  They cry and run after the car as you leave the driveway.  (They are staying home with their dad).

 

Trust – it’s a slippery little sucker.
 
What causes us to trust someone?
 
Do you trust people implicitly or does it take a long time to build up and develop trust that is quickly destroyed?
 
What do you trust people with – your secrets, your money, your heart, your life?
 
Trust and vulnerability are a cornerstone of connection.  
 
It starts at birth.
 
Babies trust their mothers to feed them, pick them up when they cry, cuddle them.  Responsiveness and predictability are key to attachment and connection.  
 
As a psychologist, the relationship between myself and my client is inherently trust based.
 
My clients trust that I will do the right thing by them.  That I will listen and seek to understand without judgement.  That I will value and respect their experiences, their goals, their vulnerabilities.  Within the clinic space they can let down their guards and don’t need to be strong.  They trust that I will guide them using proven methods and honour their journey.  That I will work within my expertise and the ethical and legal boundaries of the profession.  

Did you realise that 50% of ‘success’ in therapy is due to the relationship between therapist and client.  And when you think about how important trust is, this totally makes sense.  
 
Many years ago I sought out counselling through the services provided by my then work, and began seeing a therapist.  This person crossed boundary lines.  They crossed boundary lines in a number of ways.  I followed their behaviour up with a complaint, but that too was unsatisfactory.
 
This incident totally derailed the therapeutic process for me.  It destroyed the connection.  It created a mistrust of the counselling profession which I maintained for many years, and, a mistrust of my own experiences.

Why am I telling you this?
I have described an unequal power relationship which was abused by one party.  This wasn’t the first time I experienced this and it wasn’t the last.  It’s also not uncommon.

You may have experienced something similar. 
 
Here is what may help:

• Cultivate a go to person you trust – it might be a work mentor, a close friend, a sibling.
• Arm yourself with information.
• Don’t be afraid to put your hand up and ask for help or advocacy.
• Work on developing your assertiveness and confidence – particularly if people have taken advantage of you in the past.
• Know that it is OK to say no.
• Ask yourself – am I in equal and trusting relationships now?
• Work on helping your child know who to trust.  Knowing who to trust, being able to ask for help, are very valuable skills for a child to develop.  
• If something feels wrong in a session trust your gut.  You CAN leave, you have rights.  Inform your children of this right as well.  
• Keep an eye out for other people around you who you suspect may be going through a vulnerable time - maybe you can be their go to person.

 
If you are specifically looking for a mental health professional and want more information on professional and ethical conduct.: 

• Have a look at the AHPRA website https://www.ahpra.gov.au.  
• Try and see a therapist who is registered with AHPRA because they have a complaints feedback process.  

I hope this helps.  If you want to find out more about my story go to the latest podcast episode https://anchor.fm/kim-dunn/episodes/How-a-therapist-broke-my-trust---and-how-you-can-protect-yourself-against-something-similar-happening-to-you-ear293.

As always  you are welcome to email me or book an appointment on 0408533515.

Until next time, take care of yourself

​Kim

It’s not called the ‘weight’ of expectations for nothing!
 
Expectations are 'rules' we grow up with.  
 
They create boundaries and provide guidance.  

​For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months otherwise this is a clear sign of a problem with development.
 
You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. 
 
Society and families create many expectations to encourage behaviour and growth; for the good of your development and that of the broader community.  The general aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society.  
 
Then there are individual family differences of expectations based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc. 
 
As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood.  
 
Then you become an adult, and on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, and maybe your children.  
 
Then comes expectations from schools, sporting clubs, after school activities.  The more you are immersed in society, the bigger collection of expectations you are exposed to.
 
And, if that’s not enough you also have the thick layer of consumer ‘expectations’.  In a world where economic growth is still valued above all else we seem to have really internalised the ‘greed is good’ doctrine in our society.  You are encouraged to buy, to have more, to be good consumers.  It is an insidious expectation.
 
So, what happens when you step back, when you become the observer, when you listen to your noticing self and see the reality of your expectations?
 
You can see the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ for what they really are; they aren’t rules by which you HAVE to live by, they aren’t absolute truths, they are just THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS your mind is holding on to.  
 
By seeing this you can you can CHOOSE to let go of expectations that have no meaning or value for you.
 
Knowing this you can choose.  
 
You CAN choose to participate in activities that you value, whilst saying NO to things you don’t. 
 
You CAN choose to do things that bring joy to your heart and that of your family.  
 
You CAN choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness.  
 
There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make.  
 
We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable.  
 
That is one reason why deciding to choose which expectations you will meet, and which you will leave behind is difficult.  
 
It is your journey.
 
What expectations weigh on you?
 
Where do you find enforcing boundaries difficult?
 
What is most important to you in this world?
 
If you like this article, if these are questions that stir your soul, if you want to explore these and more issues that impact directly on your wellbeing, you are invited to join my new online Practical Wellbeing – 7 Simple Steps to Self-Care.  Click here for more information.  

There's one thing that's guaranteed to happen at Christmas...

Waiting...

• Waiting in a queue to purchase a gift
• Waiting in a queue at the shopping centre
• Waiting on the escalator that you would normally power walk down
• Waiting in the car park for a car to leave

And what can happen when you wait?

Frustration, impatience. There's so much to do, why can't everyone just hurry up or move quicker.

Well no matter how much you want that to happen, it's probably not going to.

So what can you do?

Believe it or not, this is a great time to practice tapping into your inner calm.  Here's one way to practice self-care on the go.

Simply roll your shoulders up and back and take a deep breath, then repeat the breathing. Focus your attention inward to your breath instead of outwards towards what is going on around you.

Yep, that's it - simple, on the go self-care that works.

Until next time, keep it simple and...

Take care of yourself.

​Kim

 Like me, do you feel the need for a pre-Chirstmas sort out?  

This is the time of the year I push myself to sort out my house and have a purge.  A few years ago, I worked through the Magic of Tidying Up, and I can tell you one thing – you need to keep on top of it.
 
My family and I have lived in the same house for almost 20 years, and when you don’t move regularly there’s not that huge opportunity to cull. 
 
So, on school holidays, and particularly in November I revisit this.  A couple of my aims are to clear a whole bookshelf, one clothes drawer (I have three), and digitalise a filing cabinet drawer.

1. Before you get rid of things, see if they can be recycled – you might be surprised.  As part of the Pre-Christmas cull I take the recycles that I have been collecting to the places that accept them.  

 
Here’s some things that can be recycled (not an exhaustive list), but that you can’t put out with your recycle bin:

• Batteries
• Light globes
• Toothbrushes, dental floss and toothpaste tubes Textas, markers, pens
• Bread Tags
• Printer cartridges and other ewaste  
• Cameras
• Mobile Phones
• Cables (all those ones you no longer know what to do with…)

And paint tins!  Both empty and those who some paint in them.  I think we have about 20 in the shed.
 
To find out where you can recycle many of these items have a look at https://recyclingnearyou.com.au and https://www.terracycle.com/en-AU and your local council website. 

Happy culling

Kim

ps if you're feeling that not just the house, but everything else is getting a bit too much, you may be interested in getting your self care sorted for 2020.  

...and shame on society for making it worse.
​
Maybe like me, you’ve been helping someone to ‘adult’.  Taking them by the hand and walking them through bureaucracy, banking and all things that can no longer be avoided.
 
Welcome, to the big, bad world.
 
Yesterday we walked away from an encounter with a public service and my fledging adult commented that they really thought when I had reexplained my question clearly that I would get a clear and accurate answer…..
 
…. But no.
 
Welcome to bureaucracy I said. 
 
My fledging commented that the people behind the counters looked so grumpy and unhelpful.
 
‘Yes’ I said.
 
And, wait we are getting closer to the ‘shame on you’ moment.
 
We were opening a new bank account.  The person helping us was going through the standard questions, and then it took a left turn.  They then started asking my fledging about other people in the house.
 
My trusting, innocent fledging started answering.
 
At this point I sat forward and said ‘do you need to know this?’  ‘is this a legal requirement?’
 
‘…no’.
 
I turned to my fledging and said – 
 
You do not have to answer this.  This is private information.
 
So the SHAME on society?
 
I (naively) thought that we (society) had tightened up the banking industry.
 
Where is the clarity?
 
The sentence that says ‘I am going to ask you some questions.  These ones we are required to ask you by law; these ones help us contact you and are the minimum we need to manage your account; and these ones are optional’.
 
I think it’s called….that’s right – informed consent.
 
Or in this day of letting it all hang out on social media is informed consent still an important concept??
 
STOP taking advantage of my precious fledgings by bamboozling them; assuming they know things they don’t; and capitalising on their innocence.
 
The example I have given is just one, out of many I could give.
 
SHAME on you society.  My fledgings are precious and I ask you to help them, acknowledge that they are still developing and not take advantage of them.

ps, This video is the first in a 90 day vlog on Connection. To be a part of the connection movement and reduce isolation in society you are invited to subscribe to receive these vlogs and articles direct to your email box https://mailchi.mp/67ae1ec0bbe0/connections.

I also provide Connections Coaching email Kim at youngminds.psychology@gmail.com for a free 15 minute consultation .