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Does your child come home from school complaining about doing mindfulness? Isn't mindfulness meant to be relaxing and fun? Well, that depends.... So why when I start to talk to adolescents about using mindfulness as part of therapy, am I frequently hearing the response "ugh"? So why when I start to talk to adolescents about using mindfulness as part of therapy, am I frequently hearing the response "ugh"? When I ask about this response, it is generally because they did mindfulness meditation at school and didn’t really like it. Some say it was boring - which is usually teen speak for a range of things (they didn't understand it, it made them feel uncomfortable, they couldn't 'do it', and sometimes it means it was just boring).
Some clients say that it increased their anxiety and made them feel worse. When you stop and think about it most people put a lot of time and effort into distracting themselves from distressing thoughts and feelings. Whereas mindfulness can involve tuning into thoughts and feelings. So, is it any wonder they can experience increase in anxiety and stress, when suddenly in the middle of school they are encouraged to stop, be calm and spend time on introspection. Even though Christmas Day it is still over a month away, the anticipation and lead up to it can cause stress and anxiety. Depending on the amount of stress and anxiety the though of Christmas Day causes, it may be taking up quite a bit of your time and energy now.* There are three main steps to reducing stress on Christmas Day. The first step is to zoom in and identify exactly what is stressing you. Throwing your hands up and saying I hate Christmas, it's all too hard isn't actually that helpful. What exactly is causing the stress. Let's have a closer look at this. There can be complex reasons why this is not a great time for people. There are six listed below. How many stresses on the following list can you identify with? What else not on the list i cuasing you stress. 1. Finalising the hosting arrangements. Where to be, who is hosting it? Delegation of tasks. Who is bringing the pudding? Who is attending? In some families this is fairly stable, in other families it swaps and changes every year. 2. Working out the logistics of travel. Are you at one place for the day, or does your Christmas Day involve driving? Do you have enough time to digest before going from one Christmas meal to the next? 3. Loss. How can you honour someone who is no longer with you? How do you deal with grief, your own and others around you?  Do you feel part of a group of friends? If you answer no, you are not alone.. Nearly 30% of Australians over 18 years of age reported that they rarely or never felt part of a group of friends. Loneliness is not just caused by not having enough friends. Hence the saying that you can feel lonely in a crowd. Feelings of loneliness are to a large extent caused by our perception of our social connectedness. It is related to how connected we feel. The good news is by working on your thinking about social situations you can change how lonely you feel.  Photo by Fabrizio Verrecchia on Unsplash It's one thing to know that changing our thinking can help reduce our feelings of loneliness.
But how do you change your thinking? Announce that this year there are no gifts
PLUS A BONUS TIP KEEP THE RECEIPT You don’t want to be the parent when the gift doesn’t work, and have to line up in JB-HiFi to replace it on Boxing Day, only to be told that they are out of stock.  What is a Kris Kringle? *A Kris Kringle is when each person buys a gift for just one person in a group, hence reducing excess and cost. There are many variations.
If it is pot luck , here are three variations of how to distribute the gifts.
Christmas Day is not really the day to lecture people about resilience. What is your number one tip to reduce Christmas gift stress? Have you tried the 'no gifts this Christmas' one? If you would like to continue this conversation you are welcome join the discussion at the Facebook group Creating Christmas Calm. Do you have children aged 5-25? Would you like to share your parenting journey with other parents? You can subscribe and be kept informed about what is coming up in the Positive Young Minds community here. You can also pop over and join us on Facebook.
 Early intervention can make an enormous difference in children's lives. Anxiety and depression impact on functioning. They reduce cognitive flexibility, impair decision making, reduce attention and concentration, impact negatively on friendships, create loneliness. Early intervention helps your child learn about the mind body connection; how thoughts and feelings are connected; and positive strategies for managing their anxiety and depressive symptoms. It can give them tools for life. Your child or adolescent may seem fine on the outside, but if they are asking for help, trust that they need it. Therapy at a young age is playful, engaging, and practical. And depending on the situation, it can be very short term, a couple of sessions can make a difference.
Don't wait to see if they 'grow out' of it. Contact Kim at Positive Young Minds on 0408533515 or email youngminds.psychology@gmail.com to book an appointment to discuss your child's needs. Do you have children aged 5-25? Would you like to share your parenting journey with other parents? You can subscribe and be kept informed about what is coming up in the Positive Young Minds community here. You can also pop over and join us on Facebook. Carrying around the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have to’ of Christmas is exhausting, stressful and can cause anxiety. There are ways to manage this, particularly using mindful awareness and self-compassion and create some Christmas calm. It’s not called the ‘weight’ of expectations for nothing! So what are expectations? Expectations are guidelines, written and unwritten rules about behaviour. They create boundaries and provide guidance. For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months and be talking before starting kindergarten. . You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. You are expected to obey the law, be a good neighbour, a good friend. Is there a purpose to expectations? Expectations are one way society and families encourage behaviour and growth for the good of your development as a child and teenager, and that of the community. The broad aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society. Then there are individual family differences based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc. For example in some cultures girls are expected to be married young, and not pursue further education. As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood. In adulthood, on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, and maybe your children.  Child and Christmas Tree. Creating Christmas Calm. And then there's consumer expectations. And, if that’s not enough you also have the thick layer of consumer ‘expectations’. In a world where economic growth is still valued above all else we seem to have really internalised the ‘greed is good’ doctrine in our society. You are encouraged to buy, to have more, to be good consumers. It is an insidious expectation. It is difficult, but not impossible, to take a mindful approach ad actually see expectations for what they are. How can we manage all these expectations? First, step back. What happens when you simple observe and notice all the expectations and it feels to have them? Look at them again. Where have they come from? Are they necessary, important, do they add to your life? You can see the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ for what they really are; they aren’t rules by which you have to live by, they aren’t absolute truths, they are just thoughts your mind is holding on to. By seeing this you can you can choose to let go of expectations that have no meaning or satisfaction for you. And knowing this you can choose. Making your own choices You can choose to participate in activities leading up to Christmas that you value. That bring joy to your heart and that of your family. You can choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness. You don’t need to be religious to tap into the good will that exists at this time of the year, where most people are actually actively trying to make other people happy. There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make. We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable. I think that is one reason why treading your own path at Christmas, in line with your values and not others expectations, is so difficult, but for you, it might be the path to your Christmas calm..  Combi Van with Christmas Tree. Creating Christmas Calm. Step One. Work out what is your most important family tradition. The expectations around Christmas are very real. The great thing is that as an adult you are free to make your own choices about which expectations you will take on, and which you will choose to ignore. To increase your Christmas Calm decide what is the most important tradition for you family. Find out what activities your family love doing in the lead up to Christmas and do it! Do you know the number one thing each member in your family loves about Christmas? What do you love most about Christmas? Making and following traditions and sharing experiences are two of the glues that keep families together; and Christmas is tradition central! In fact it can be tradition overwhelm. But when you know what each person in your family loves and wants to do, you reduce the overwhelm and create Christmas Calm.  ...following traditions and sharing experiences are two of the glues that keep families together, |
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Disclaimer* My aim is for these posts is meant to useful, interesting and/or inspiring. They are not designed to be used for therapy..
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October 2020
AuthorKim Dunn is a Child Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds. |
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