Learn how to show empathy and support your child who is struggling with school anxiety.

Ok, so you have noticed and acknowledged that your child is experiencing School Anxiety. Now what? Now it’s time for empathy.  In this step you:

• let them know you understand that they are feeling worried;
• strengthen your connection; and
• end with compassion.

This is the case regardless of what their worry is.

Remember, You're Not Alone. Helping your child through school anxiety can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to go it alone. The NEON Pathway is a great starting point, and you can make an appointment at any time.

What is Empathy?

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Empathy is the ability to understand and sometimes even feel another person’s emotional response.  You feel empathy for your child when your heart aches for them in their distress, when you know what they are feeling without them telling you, or when you feel your anxiety increase when they are telling you how anxious they are.
  
Compassion can spring from empathy as you are motivated to relieve your child’s suffering.  Not feeling very compassionation? Lack of compassion can indicate parental burnout, or underdeveloped empathy skills.

What do I say when my child tells me they are worried about school?

Encouragement, reassurance and positive self-belief can all be useful strategies.  You may be using words such as ‘you’ll be Ok, you’ve got this. You’ve done it before”, or you might be taking a minimising approach: "don't worry about it, you’re a big boy or girl, and there’s nothing to worry about". Some children will respond well to these approaches.  You'll see them gather up their courage and do the hard thing.

However, even with the best of intentions, encouragement can be a form of toxic positivity. Repetition of reassurance, dismissing or minimising their thoughts or feelings can teach your child that their feelings don't matter or it’s not safe for them to share their feelings.  When your child tells you they are worried about school it’s time for empathy through:

• Connection;
• Acceptance; and,
• Compassionate Acknowledgement.
  

You will have your own reaction to what they are telling you and I'll take a dive into why you might be finding empathy hard, and how to be empathetic when you've run out of empathy.

Connection

Listening is a key part of connecting with others. Tuning in and listening with your whole self. It's not as simple as it sounds. In fact, it's a bit of an art. And in this world of digital distraction, it's a gift.

Some ways to manage distraction and tune in include:

1. Taking the conversation to a quiet and private place
2. Put down your phone. 
3. Turn off the ipad/TV. 
4. Or if now is not a great time, make a time. Eg. “I’m all yours in five minutes" (set a timer).
5. Check your thoughts and feelings and try to access your Calm Dynamic space. Is there anything else you need to do this?
6. Bring your curiosity and don’t try and preempt what your child is going to say.

When someone is listened to in a way that shows they are heard and nderstood, without judgment and with compassion. Practice being a mirror. A mirror reflects feelings, thoughts and behaviours and creates a connection. Your child will feel heard. This is a continuation of the step you started in the Noticing process.

  Listening with your whole self. It's not as simple as it sounds. In fact, it's a bit of an art.
And in this world of digital distraction, it's a gift.

Acceptance

Accept your child's thoughts and feelings, acknowledge their stress and worries without trying to change it, remove it or jump in and fix it. 

• Don’t reassure
  
• Don’t encourage
  
• Don’t compare. 
  
• Do give them physical touch, if appropriate.
  
• Do give them non-verbal feedback such as gently nodding your head.
  

Your acceptance of their Anxiety reaffirms that they are in a safe place.  And helps your child release any tension that’s been surrounding the holding in of the worries.  That release of tension can reduce your child's internal shaming and blaming, which allows their defensiveness to drop. This means your child will feel less stressed and anxious, and it allows them to feel less isolated and alone. In this moment you are gifting them a safe space which lets them be vulnerable and open.

Compassionate Acknowledgement

This step is a win for you and your child.
You know how you want to do so something to make it stop? Do this.

• Do acknowledge the suffering.  Eg. "This sucks for you. This is really hard.  This sounds painful.."
• Don’t promise to make it better.
• Do tell them that you are with them and they don’t have to go through it alone.
• Don’t qualify.  Eg. Don’t say it will pass.
• Do stay in the moment.
  
• Don’t tell them it’s unfair.
• Do follow up with kindness.  This could be a gentle touch, a hug, a shoulder massage.

 WHY EMPATHY CAN BE HARD

Are your emotions getting in the way of helping your child?

Ask any parent what they want for their child and it is for them to be happy and healthy. When your child is overwhelmed by their anxiety your natural response is to want to help them feel better as quickly as possible, but trying to rush an emotion out the door doesn’t work.  It wants to be heard, seen and understood before it leaves. 

It makes it easier to guide your child through the NEON pathway when you can understand your own feelings, thoughts and experiences.  When you are helping your child manage their anxiety, being able to access your own Calm Dynamic space will help you tune in with your whole self.  If this is something you struggle with, you might be burnout. Difficulties with feeling empathy is a key burned out symptom. If this is you, reach out, to me, your GP or existing mental health practitioner.

 The NEON Pathway provides a guide to help keep you in the moment and focused on your child, but it’s easy for your own reactions to veer you off the path and away from empathy. 

Five responses blocking your empathy

The way you respond to your child's worries will vary depending on your history, personality, what else is going on in your life, your energy levels and your capacity to give more than what you are giving.  Here are five different ways you might respond (note: this is not an exhaustive list)
1. Is that all. That's not a big deal. (Relief)
2. OMG. I have no idea how to fix this. (Overwhelmed)
3. OK, I can fix this. (Powerful)
4. Not again.  (Exhaustion)
5. We’ve got this (Hopeful).

Now let's take a closer look at the five different responses, the reasons behind your response and how it could be getting in the way of the empathy step.

Why you might be feeling relief and how it can get in the way of empathy

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Your child naming something that sounds to you like it’s small and not worth worrying about, can be a relief.

However, you may find it hard to understand why they are worried about something that you see as quite trivial, especially if you have a running tally in your head of all the things you are worried about.

Why you might be feeling overwhelm and how that can get in the way of empathy

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Your child’s anxiety may trigger overwhelm by starting a cascade of your own thoughts and feelings including: anxiety caused by your own past school experiences; recent negative experiences with your child’s teacher or school; sadness or helplessness.  as you are thinking that you don’t know how to fix this. Or you may have feelings of hopeless as you experience a sinking feeling wondering why your child keeps bring up the same thing.

Why you might be feeling powerful and how it can get in the way of empathy

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Feeling your power as a parent can be intoxicating.  Many times when my children were younger I felt like I’d fulfilled my duty rushing to their defence and standing up for them.  Sometimes it was needed, the situation was way beyond anything a child could be expected to manage.

  However, school stress is normal and helping them to navigate these stressors is an important part of development. It can be harmful if your parent power swamps their developing child power. 

Learning to know when to step in matters (more about this later down the NEON pathway).  

Why you might be feeling exhaused and how that can get in the way of empathy

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If your child is experiencing recurring school anxiety, you’re exhausted, and a tad frustrated, by continually helping them to escape the tyranny of the ‘what ifs’.

Lack of emotional energy sits hand in hand with reduced patient and the tolerance to listen in and tune in with your whole self.

Hope and how it can get in the way of empathy

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Hope: Sounds like a weird emotion to get in the way of empathy.  Isn't hope a good thing? Stay with me. 

If your child has a history of experiencing School Anxiety and doing the thing anyway; if they’ve built up small ‘wins’; if you’ve been working on their communication skills, coping skills or any other area; and you know they can manage this stress successfully, with a little support, seeing them do this can be exciting.
 
So exciting, that you just skip over how your child is feeling in the moment.

 Hope is a wonderful emotion, just make sure you don't miss the empathy step in your excitement.

 Can you fake empathy?

Yes and no.

Empathy is a feeling and the cognitive ability to see perspectives.  You may not be able to understand why your child is reacting the way they are, but you can remind yourself that in the moment the feeling is real for them.  That their perspective is different from yours, and your job is to be a mirror and walk them down the NEON pathway.  You don't need to take on and experience their feelings and fear. 

What comes next?

You've walked through the Noticing and Empathy Steps, the next step to helping your child access their Calm Dynamic is Owning it.