Helping your child own their school anxiety.
In this step the aim is to take your child from recognising and being comfortable enough to talk about or communicate their feelings to acceptance and ownership of their current state. For your child to have ownership it involves you letting go of feeling responsible for their feelings.
The big question to remember is Whose feeling is it?
As discussed in the Empathy Step, you will have a response to your child's anxiety. This is yours to take responsibility for. Your child's emotion is their feeling. The challenge as a parent is to access your own Calm Dynamic and stay away from being sucked into their emotional vortex
Remember, You're Not Alone. Helping your child through school anxiety can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to go it alone. The NEON Pathway is a great starting point, and you can make an appointment at any time.
The big question to remember is Whose feeling is it?
As discussed in the Empathy Step, you will have a response to your child's anxiety. This is yours to take responsibility for. Your child's emotion is their feeling. The challenge as a parent is to access your own Calm Dynamic and stay away from being sucked into their emotional vortex
Remember, You're Not Alone. Helping your child through school anxiety can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to go it alone. The NEON Pathway is a great starting point, and you can make an appointment at any time.
For your child to have ownership it involves you letting go of feeling responsible for their feelings.
How your child can develop and show Ownership
There are degrees of ownership. Ownership is the difference between your child saying “that is making me anxious” and “I am feeling anxious”. It's the difference between saying 'I don't want to go to school. You can't make me' and "I dont' want to school because I'm worried about speaking in front of class'.
This is not to ignore the fact that there is not a reason your child is having this anxious feeling. Or diminishing the possible seriousness of this reason. For example, if they are thinking that when they go to school the bully will kick them, their anxiety is understandable. Similarly, being worried about doing a presentation is a ‘normal’ response.
However, owning their feelings is still important. Why? Because if someone else is responsible for this feeling your child has lost control of it, which means they’ve lost the link in their chain to calm.
Ways your child can develop and show ownership include:
That's take a closer look at these three strategies.
This is not to ignore the fact that there is not a reason your child is having this anxious feeling. Or diminishing the possible seriousness of this reason. For example, if they are thinking that when they go to school the bully will kick them, their anxiety is understandable. Similarly, being worried about doing a presentation is a ‘normal’ response.
However, owning their feelings is still important. Why? Because if someone else is responsible for this feeling your child has lost control of it, which means they’ve lost the link in their chain to calm.
Ways your child can develop and show ownership include:
- Using empowering language such as ‘I am feeling….’, ‘I am thinking….’.
- Monitoring their own levels of School Anxiety.
- Choosing to journal, draw their feelings.
That's take a closer look at these three strategies.
Using Empowering Language
Using 'I' is assertive, and a clear sign of ownership. However, it is important that it is accompanied by words that contain the feeling. For example 'I am feeling worried about my test', places the feeling in the context of a particular event and attaches the physical symptoms that are accompanying them to this event.
Doing this reinforces that worry is a state that comes and goes, and not a permanent trait. It's the difference between saying 'I am feeling worried' and 'I am a worry wart'. Placing worry as a temporary state means there is more scope for change. |
It's the difference between saying 'I am feeling worried' and 'I am a worry wart'.
Monitoring their own levels of anxiety
One of the tools I use in therapy to help children develop their understanding of anxiety is to measure it. There almost as many tools as their are children as they can be modified to be more appropriate and/or appealing. A list of these can be found in the Creative Communication section of the Noticing Step. Here are three examples:
In young children fully independently knowing how to measure their anxiety and what level it is, is not appropriate. Instead increased ownership may be shown in cooperation with parents guidance, or initiation such as asking for help.
Ownership evolves from children not understanding they are worried, to them being able to tell or show you the extent of their worries.
- On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you? If a 10 is you are worried you will stand up in class, forget your words, everybody will laugh at you and you start to cry, how worried are you.
- For younger children they may use their hands to show how big the worry is.
- You may also be familiar with the Zones of Regulation which can be used by chidren to indicate to adults what their current emotional state is.
In young children fully independently knowing how to measure their anxiety and what level it is, is not appropriate. Instead increased ownership may be shown in cooperation with parents guidance, or initiation such as asking for help.
Ownership evolves from children not understanding they are worried, to them being able to tell or show you the extent of their worries.
Choosing to draw or journal
Whereas measurement focuses on perspective and comparison, choosing to draw or journal anxious thoughts is about developing a more intimate relationship with worries. Journalling is a powerful tool that has been shown to enhance understanding and acceptance, and create an unhooking process from thoughts and feelings that seem attached to all aspects of self.
Creating a habit to do this can be difficult, like any habit, but if your child does pursue this, it's a sign of acceptance and ownership of their internalised processing. |