The Five Keys to Noticing your Child's Worries

Noticing your child's thoughts, feelings and experiences and supporting them to notice them is the first step. This awareness brings empowerment and self-agency and is the key to good mental health and stress management. 

1. Be a mirror. Repeat back what your child has said in a calm, non-judgemental and curious way. Pause and allow time for them to follow up.
2. Create a Safe Space to Talk.  Find a private moment and let them know you're there to listen.
3. Understanding your child's reactions. They might deny feeling anxious, get frustrated, or even cry. These reactions are all normal. It doesn't mean they're not worried, it just means they might be struggling to express themselves.
   
4. Help Your Child Express Themselves Creatively. Not all kids are comfortable or able to talk about their feelings. Drawing, journalling, toys and other tools can help them share what's on their mind.
5. Build a Supportive Home Environment. Make your home a safe space for emotions. Talk openly and age appropriately about your own feelings and encourage them to do the same. Read books together about emotions and how to manage them.

Remember, You're Not Alone. Helping your child through school anxiety can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to go it alone. The NEON Pathway is a great starting point, and you can make an appointment at any time.

Following is more detail about each of the five key points. 

Use the power mirror approach to gently uncover your child’s feelings

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A mirror reflects back what it sees, it doesn’t judge or ask questions. When your child says something, say it back to them, then pause allowing them time to respond. Tone is important here.  A curious or interested tone rather than a monotone shows that you are listening, you have heard what they’ve said and you’re open to hearing more.  It’s a powerful tool used widely including therapy, business and even in hostage negotiation.

Create a safe place and time to talk

Pick your moment.  If your child is hungry, tired or engaged in their favourite game…not then.  Having quiet one on one time is best. That might look like driving in the car, going for a walk, or doing a mundane household task like washing and drying the dishes. Remember, turn off your phone, put it an another room.  Show your child they have your full attention. 

 Understanding Your Child's Responses.

When you start talking with your child and point out to them that they are looking or sounding anxious their response might look like this:
Denial: No, I’m not
Confusion: What do you mean?
Relief: Yep. I’m worried about….
Anger: a seemingly unrelated outburst.

If you receive a relief response, that opens things up to a conversation and empathy step. If this is a new type of conversation for you, you probably won’t get a relief response. And that’s OK.

Any response other than a 'yes I'm worried and here's why' may mean:

• you got it wrong and they’re not worried.  Sometimes what seems like worry signs can mean something else such as language processing or memory difficulties. Tears may mean tiredness, pacing may be hyperactivity.  There's a cross over and nuance about emotions that can be difficult to untangle.
  
• they’re worried and don’t recognize it. This can be attributable to a range of factors including age, developmental delays, difficulties with interoception, lack of general emotional education, and/or trauma. or
• they know they are worried but don’t want to talk about it, Many children and adolescents (and adults) struggle to express their feelings. Ideas for what to do next are below.  

 If you receive a relief response that opens things up to a conversation and empathy step. If this is a new type of conversation for you, you probably won’t get a relief response. And that’s OK.

 

 Creative Communication for Worried Kids: When Words are Too Hard.

Verbal expression of emotions is only one way for your child to communicate. Alternative methods include:

• drawing and other craft work;
• journalling
• reading books and discussing themes and characters;

• hand gestures;
• feelings charts;
• rating or colour scales;
• using toys allows your child to act out scenarios;
• providing a checklist of possible reasons for their worrying;
• and using crafted templates such as the Feelings on Leaves. You are welcome to download the Feelings on Leaves activity at no $ cost.  

 Building a Supportive Home Environment.

Create a culture at home where emotions are noticed and accepted. Practice reflecting all family members' emotions back to them, talk about your emotions aloud, and share age-appropriate books with them. This open and supportive environment helps your child feel understood and equipped to manage their anxiety.

An Example of Noticing in Action

A lovely story that shows acknowledgement in action was told to me recently of a primary school aged child who on hearing a fellow student tell a teacher that her stomach wasn’t feeling well, said to the student ‘are you feeling worried? I feel worried too. Do you want to come and sit on the mat with me?’ They then took their hand and both went and sat on the mat. This is a great example of how acknowledgement with compassion led to tuning into the class activity. Of note, is that the student who took the lead in this had been recently encouraged by the teacher to name their anxiety as “I’m feeling worried’. They were then able to use a similar strategy to coach their fellow student.

 My child doesn’t want to talk about their anxiety.

If you know they’re anxious and your child doesn’t want to talk about it there are many reasons why this occurs. They may be feeling a secondary emotion such as shame or hopelessness. Maybe they’ve brought up their concerns before and they felt they weren’t taken seriously. Or maybe they don't think talking about them will change anything. For example, many children who are bullied believe there is nothing adults can do to help them. 

Other key points to consider.

• Is your questioning/reflection coming from a calm, connected space within you?
• Do you have a culture/history of checking in, sharing tricky thoughts and feelings, and fully listening?
• Are you trying to talk with them in a private, quiet space?
• Are you giving your child enough time to respond?
• Are they able to connect with and recognize their feelings? 
• How is their general knowledge about emotions?
• How is their overall mental health?
• Is their response age-appropriate? 
• Are your expectations of them in line with their abilities?
  
• Are you practicing good listening skills?
  
  

The Next Step: Moving on to Empathy

Once your child has expressed to you their anxiety about school there are a still a few steps left before jumping into action.  The next step, Empathy, provides a wonderful opportunity for connecting with your child.