Did you always want to be a mum?
I did. And I was so sure I would be a wonderful mum. But... It was so much harder than what I could have imagined or expected. Transitioning to be a parent is a HUGE step. And one of the first lies of motherhood is.... You'll know what do. Your maternal instinct will guide you. Well maybe if you had your children in a country where there was no social media, you didn't need to work and you had people around to take care of you after birth. ...and maybe you did... ...but you probably didn't.... So, why talk about motherhood myths and lies? Why does it matter? The main reason is that when you carry the lies, myths, expectations it gets in the way of your actual experience. It gets in the way of connecting with yourself - the mother you truely are - and then it gets in the way of connecting with your family. Buying into other people's beliefs, listening to the things you 'should' be doing, does you NO service. Learning to trust yourself, your rhythms, your children's rhythms is not always easy, particularly in this complex world we now live in. There are however simple things you can do to start doing this, including identifying what beliefs, expectations, myths and lies you may be carrying around. If you would like some help in reducing your overwhelm you are invited to book an appointment with me, just for you. Until next time Kim
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It's been far from a care free summer holiday this year. Instead we are facing a natural disaster the prolonged likes of which we haven't seen before in Australia As a parent it can be difficult to know what to do for the best. Here is a video from me outlining some practical strategies, suitable for all children. It’s not called the ‘weight’ of expectations for nothing!
Expectations are 'rules' we grow up with. They create boundaries and provide guidance. For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months otherwise this is a clear sign of a problem with development. You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. Society and families create many expectations to encourage behaviour and growth; for the good of your development and that of the broader community. The general aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society. Then there are individual family differences of expectations based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc. As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood. Then you become an adult, and on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, and maybe your children. Then comes expectations from schools, sporting clubs, after school activities. The more you are immersed in society, the bigger collection of expectations you are exposed to. And, if that’s not enough you also have the thick layer of consumer ‘expectations’. In a world where economic growth is still valued above all else we seem to have really internalised the ‘greed is good’ doctrine in our society. You are encouraged to buy, to have more, to be good consumers. It is an insidious expectation. So, what happens when you step back, when you become the observer, when you listen to your noticing self and see the reality of your expectations? You can see the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ for what they really are; they aren’t rules by which you HAVE to live by, they aren’t absolute truths, they are just THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS your mind is holding on to. By seeing this you can you can CHOOSE to let go of expectations that have no meaning or value for you. Knowing this you can choose. You CAN choose to participate in activities that you value, whilst saying NO to things you don’t. You CAN choose to do things that bring joy to your heart and that of your family. You CAN choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness. There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make. We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable. That is one reason why deciding to choose which expectations you will meet, and which you will leave behind is difficult. It is your journey. What expectations weigh on you? Where do you find enforcing boundaries difficult? What is most important to you in this world? There's one thing that's guaranteed to happen at Christmas...
Waiting...
And what can happen when you wait? Frustration, impatience. There's so much to do, why can't everyone just hurry up or move quicker. Well no matter how much you want that to happen, it's probably not going to. So what can you do? Believe it or not, this is a great time to practice tapping into your inner calm. Here's one way to practice self-care on the go. Simply roll your shoulders up and back and take a deep breath, then repeat the breathing. Focus your attention inward to your breath instead of outwards towards what is going on around you. Yep, that's it - simple, on the go self-care that works. For over 17 years, I have combined research and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents to help other women like you integrate mindfulness and prioritise self-care in their busy lives. You are welcome to book a private consultation to discuss your concerns and your goals and work with me to make the change you are looking for. Until next time, take care of YOI Kim A reminder this blog is for general information and advice only. It is not designed to replace therapy in any way. If you are experiencing any mental health concern please see your GP, or your mental health therapist, or see if you think I may be a good fit for you. Like me, do you feel the need for a pre-Christmas sort out? It's one of the best strategies for organising your Christmas Gift list.
This is the time of the year I push myself to sort out my house and have a purge. A few years ago, I worked through the Magic of Tidying Up, and I can tell you one thing – you need to keep on top of it. My family and I have lived in the same house for over 20 years, and when you don’t move regularly there’s not that huge opportunity to cull. So, on school holidays, and particularly in November I revisit this. A couple of my aims are to clear a whole bookshelf, one clothes drawer (I have three), and digitalise a filing cabinet drawer.
Here’s some things that can be recycled (not an exhaustive list), but that you can’t put out with your recycle bin:
And paint tins! Both empty and those who some paint in them. I think we have about 20 in the shed. Note: I updated the links in this in 2023 and have only just taken these paint tins to the paint drop off centre! Take this as hope that you will get there eventually. To find out where you can recycle many of these items have a look at https://recyclingnearyou.com.au and https://www.terracycle.com/en-AU and your local council website. Happy culling Kim Updated 20th October 2023 ...and shame on society for making it worse.
Maybe like me, you’ve been helping someone to ‘adult’. Taking them by the hand and walking them through bureaucracy, banking and all things that can no longer be avoided. Welcome, to the big, bad world. Yesterday we walked away from an encounter with a public service and my fledging adult commented that they really thought when I had reexplained my question clearly that I would get a clear and accurate answer….. …. But no. Welcome to bureaucracy I said. My fledging commented that the people behind the counters looked so grumpy and unhelpful. ‘Yes’ I said. And, wait we are getting closer to the ‘shame on you’ moment. We were opening a new bank account. The person helping us was going through the standard questions, and then it took a left turn. They then started asking my fledging about other people in the house. My trusting, innocent fledging started answering. At this point I sat forward and said ‘do you need to know this?’ ‘is this a legal requirement?’ ‘…no’. I turned to my fledging and said – You do not have to answer this. This is private information. So the SHAME on society? I (naively) thought that we (society) had tightened up the banking industry. Where is the clarity? The sentence that says ‘I am going to ask you some questions. These ones we are required to ask you by law; these ones help us contact you and are the minimum we need to manage your account; and these ones are optional’. I think it’s called….that’s right – informed consent. Or in this day of letting it all hang out on social media is informed consent still an important concept?? STOP taking advantage of my precious fledgings by bamboozling them; assuming they know things they don’t; and capitalising on their innocence. The example I have given is just one, out of many I could give. SHAME on you society. My fledgings are precious and I ask you to help them, acknowledge that they are still developing and not take advantage of them. |
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Disclaimer* These articles are provided by Kim Ross, Psychologist for general information and education . They are not designed to be used for therapy.. If you are experiencing stress please contact your GP or mental health professional.
AuthorKim Ross is an Online Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Private Practice Sustainability. |