Does the thought of Christmas make you break out in a sweat? Does the sight of mince pies and Advent calendars in the shops start your mind racing even when Christmas is over two months away? It’s hard trying to juggle work, being a mum, and Christmas preparations and Christmas overwhelm and anxiety is real. But, there are three things that you can do to create an awesome Christmas and reduce your stress:

• Start with deciding the one thing you must include in your Christmas season.
• Secondly, intentionally create and deepen your connection with yourself, others, the world around you, and the transcendental.
• And lastly, but not least(y) maintain your self-care. Don't scoff. Self-care fatigue may be real, but there are simple ways to include self-care as part of your life and practice self-care at Christmas. 

​Christmas is part of the year's rhythm, like Spring, birthdays, and the start of the school year. In Spring you start to swap your winter clothes out for lighter dresses and pack your heavier coats away (although not too far away if you live in Melbourne where our seasons tend to ignore their order on the calendar). At the end of the school year, there is space for reflecting on the achievements of the year, celebrating them with concerts, displays of artwork, and reports that provide a potted summary of the blood, sweat, and tears.

And before Christmas you plan, you shop, you get swept into the rhythm of what always happens at Christmas. You may work hard to recreate the magic of your childhood Christmas, or you may work hard to ensure your family experiences the joy you never did. You want to spend quality time with your loved ones, choose the right gifts, make people happy, and create wonderful memories.

Some years it works. And other years there are tears, exhaustion, disappointment, and arguments. The drive to make this ‘the most magical time of the year’ can take its toll, and in the pressure to do everything for everyone, your needs, and your rights, can get lost.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

• Becoming stressed if you can’t find the perfect gift, can’t do everything on the list, or people don’t want to do what is on your list.
• Replaying past arguments and disagreements and feeling angry or helpless.
• Continually being in problem-solving mode.
• Imagining being sick at Christmas time so you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.
• Saying things like “I'll just put it on the credit card and worry about it next year’, “or “I know it is more than what I want to pay, but they’re going to love it’.
• Putting your hand up for too many things – "I’ll host it. Don’t worry you don’t need to bring anything, I'll sort it out.
• Overcommitting to expensive gifts, food and drink to keep people happy or to make a good impression. Agreeing to drive to two different places on Christmas Day with young children so you can keep both sides of the family happy.
• Feeling guilty because you can't do enough or you've let someone down. 

​You may swing from avoidance to control, as your thoughts and feelings take up more of your mental space and lead you to old habits that have not served you well in the past.  Let's get started on what you can do to create a different, calmer, more enjoyable and awesome experience this Christmas.  

​What to do to reduce Christmas Stress
Simplifying as much as possible is a great place to start.  You can simplify gift giving, decorations, celebrations and expectations.  Following are 6 steps to simplify Christmas expectations. 
​
1. Awareness.
Take 10-20 minutes and connect with what you feel and what you think about all these expectations that you have created or bought into. What are the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about Christmas? Find something to write in and listen to what you are saying to yourself. It may look something like this

• “I’m feeling guilty because I don’t want to make my pudding this year, but I know everyone loves it and I should”.
• I’m feeling sad. I keep thinking how much I miss my mum and wish she was here’
• I’m feeling overwhelmed. There’s so much to do and I don’t know where I’m going to fit it in.
• I’m feeling angry. I don’t want to go to x/s house on Christmas Day. We always do and it’s not fair. I want to stay at y own home all day and let the kids play.
• "I'm feeling confused. I don't know how to keep everyone from not fighting on Christmas Day and I just wish it was all over.
• "I don't know where to start”.

Note:: If getting in touch with your feelings is difficult there can be a few reasons why that is happening.   You can come back to exploring your feelings in the future either with your GP, or mental health therapist, or if this is something you would like help with you are welcome to contact me for an appointment.

2. Reflection.
Once you’ve named and acknowledged your thoughts and feelings it’s time to reflect on what they might be trying to tell you about what is important to you at Christmas. 

Here are some simple guiding reflection questions.

• What are your best memories of Christmas's past?
• What would you have liked to have done last year that you didn’t get to do? What got in the way of that happening?
• Is there something different/special coming up this year that you are looking forward to?
• What was stressful?
• What would you like to change?
• What  is the most important thing about the Christmas season for you? Include everything in the  lead up to Christmas Day and the days after?

​3. Communication.
After you have listed what you want and your ideal Christmas, ask everyone else in your house, and/or those you know you want to celebrate Christmas with how they would answer the same questions. It's important to listen with curiosity and openness.  

4. Analysis
Compare the lists. Circle what there is in common, and those that are doable. Can you identify what matters most to everyone? Any surprises? How do you feel about what they said? It can be enlightening to realise that you don't always know what other people are thinking and that what you perceive isn't always true. Is it time to manage expectations – we’re not going to Disneyland. Sometimes it’s helpful to prompt, why do you want to go to Disneyland – oh, you’d like to get as far away as possible from all the drama that happened last year….

Don't forget - you're after an enjoyable, awesome Christmas, not one you've got through with gritted teeth, and can't wait until Boxing Day when it's all over.

5. Simplify. 
It's decision time. After the brainstorming, now it’s time to make some selections that you think will work best for the people who matter most – you and your family. Depending on the age of your children and who else is involved in your Christmas planning this will look a little different. You could have a family meeting or a family group chat, or perhaps the main parts of the day are decided by one or two people. The important part is that everyone's needs (including yours) are respected. The aim is for everyone to have one non-negotiable thing they will do/have/experience at Christmas.  Everything else is a bonus. 

6. Do.
The next step in the plan is to put it in place and monitor it as you go. Mark the things that matter on your Calendar and in your diary. Be prepared to be flexible whilst keeping in mind the things that have the greatest priority. Hold your sights firmly on your North Star and hold this plan lightly in your heart. Remember what matters most.

In the past our non-negotiable items in my family have been: Christmas light looking, celebrating Christmas with all the extended family, spending Christmas Day with partner, Midnight Mass, sausage rolls at Christmas lunch, It can be amazing when you strip it right back what the thing is people most remember and care about. Celebrating with others is usually comes up as a priority, although some years having space and time to oneself on the day takes priority, particularly for members who become easily overwhelmed.

When you strip back your expectations and focus on what really matters it invites calm into your life.  If you like to listen to podcasts, here is an episode where I talk about creating Christmas calm through managing expectations. ​

Mental health and well-being are strongly linked to how connected you feel to those around you. The centre of this is yourself. Following are suggestions for strengthening connections in each of the four layers of connection: connection with yourself, connecting with your family and friends, connecting with the natural world, and connecting with the transcendental.

1. Connecting with yourself.
The work you’ve just done on identifying what makes Christmas awesome for YOU, and being honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings around Christmas was a great way of connecting with yourself.

Three other ways to connect with yourself are:

• Checking in with yourself everyday and respecting your needs. You can do this through activities such as journalling or body scans. 
• Creating space for calmness through practicing mindful awareness of the small things
• Stop judging yourself.  Too often we speak to ourselves with the voice of the harshest critic.  It's time to bring the cheer leaders out. Sure life is messy, Christmas can be chaotic.  All thoughts and feelings are valid and welcome.  You are doing the best you can with your resources, your circumstances and your strengths.
• Maintaining your self-care routine (more on this later in this article).  

(Note: You may have found this an easy thing to do, but there may have been unexpected things that have popped up. If these reflections increased your stress or anxiety please check in with your GP, or counsellor or contact me for an appointment to help you work through it.)

2. Connecting with friends and family.
Some of the ways to connect with friends and family include:

• Checking in with your family's expectations, so that the times you do have together have the greatest potential to be enjoyable,
• Choosing the right gift  
• Working out a plan for managing people you don't want to see but can't avoid. For many people, social interaction and family challenges are the most stressful part of Christmas. 
• Here are seven easy ways you can connect with other people at Christmas.

How being with others will vary each Christmas as needs change due to factors such as new relationships, divorce and separation, illnesses, work commitments, and capacity.

Beyond your immediate circle of friends and family, there are several ways to connect with the broader community. These can include:

• Participating in Christmas Carols.
• Attending church services.
• Contributing to food drives.
• Attending Christmas festival.s
• Buying from local markets.
• Participating in neighbourhood get-togethers.

Or on a smaller scale:

• Making and/or writing Christmas Cards (one of my favourites).
• Giving homemade Christmas gifts to neighbours (I also really like doing this).
• Simply saying Merry Christmas.

Instead of the stress of juggling too many commitments at Christmas, other's find themselves feeling alone. If you’re by yourself at Christmas, there are other options to achieve this sense of connection and reduce loneliness.

Christmas demands can challenge your existing self-care routines, whilst also providing some unique opportunities for enhancement. All the stressors outlined earlier can undermine existing self-care routines, especially if they are newly established. And Christmas also effects the routine and habits of others around you.  You may find you're down a walking buddy, that Christmas treats are suddenly in your eyeline everytime you go shopping, that your loved ones are feeling broke or isolated. It's a shifting milieu.

This is where fierce self-care becomes important, especially if you are prone to Christmas stress and anxiety. Self-care is so much more than bubble baths and treating yourself. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's an act of self-love.  It encompasses everything you do to maintain and enhance your ability to function well in your day-to-day life and these actions are often talked about as healthy habits. Here's a quick overview of the five foundations of self-care.

The five foundations of self-care:

• Physical self-care: taking care of your body.  This includes exercise/movement, nutrition/diet, sleep, and regular medical check ups.  
• Psychological self-care: taking care of your mind. This includes setting boundaries, cultivating healthy thinking, managing stress, challenging yourself, learning new things.  
• Emotional self-care: managing your feelings.  This includes awareness and acceptance of emotions, resilience, finding joy, respecting and accepting self, 
• Connection: developing relationships with family, friends, others and community that minimise loneliness.  Connecting with nature and the transcendent world.   
• Meaning: finding the meaning in your life and reflecting your values in your actions.​

​Three questions to ask yourself repeatedly over Christmas
1. Is this what I need most? To avoid Christmas burnout, check in with your needs before saying yes. Does that social engagement provide connection opportunities that you are needing?  Or do you have enough and need a break? 
2. Will this help fill my self-care bucket or poke another hole in it? Running it past the five foundations list is a good rule of thumb.  Even better if it's an activity that ticks more than one of the five foundations.  Walking is great for this.   
3. Is this something I know helps me? Remind yourself of the benefits of your normal routine, of your why.  Prioritise the things you know work: keep walking, eating your veggies, journalling, meditating, talking with friends, doing your yoga, etc.

Opportunities to cultivate awe through mindfulness
Lean into mindfulness, which just happens to be one of the most powerful forms of self-care and takes very little time, because it is about the how of what you do, not the what. Mindfulness practices heighten your senses, and intensity your experiences, and are a gateway to awe. At Christmas mindful opportunities abound, including:

• Thinking about the stories behind the Christmas decorations as you dress the tree or your house
• Using cloth to wrap your gift and noticing the textures
• Thinking about the recipient as you wrap your gift
• Listening to carols and focusing on just one instrument
• Listening to your loved ones needs
• Putting your phone away and being fully present at the Christmas Performance
• Including everyone on creating a family Spotified Christmas list
• and many more...

A quick reminder in any situation is to use your senses to bring you back to the moment of what is actually happening.  

How simplifying, reducing expectations and prioritising activities; practicing connection and engaging in fierce self-care work together to help you make a simply awesome Christmas.

• Deliberately and intentionally reflecting on your needs.  This reinforces understanding and respect of self.
• Choosing your Christmas priority.  This taps into the self-care foundation of living your life's meaning, protects your energy and reduce decision making.
• Saying no and setting boundaries reduces the cognitive stress of incongruence and overwhelm and is a form of cognitive self-care.. 
• Christmas is a time when reaching out to others, even those you don't know that well, is encouraged. Saying Merry Christmas, smiling, waving, and engaging in microconnections of strangers is accepted and welcomed. What a wonderful way to boost your sense of belonging. 
• Practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and self-compassion. These are all facets of emotional self-care.
• Organising to catch up with others at a park, the beach or going for a walk.  (Walking ticks off all the self-care boxes!) can reduce costs, whilst helping you sleep, provide connection with nature and make it easy to practice mindfulness.

By reducing demands and expectations, looking after yourself, taking the time to reflect, and mindfully being present, you are well on your way to creating an awesome Christmas that works for you and your family. Along the way you may face some difficult challenges in letting things go, saying no, setting boundaries, maintaining self-care, and getting through the season.

​If you would like support with any of this I am happy to help. Positive Young Minds is open up until the 22nd of December and then closed for Christmas Week.

​For over 17 years, I have combined research and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents to help them understand and manage big emotions and create calmer homes.  Homes where big feelings are understood, needs are met so that Christmas can be celebrated, not dreaded.

You are welcome to book an appointment to discuss your concerns and your goals and work with me to make the change you are looking for.

Chat soon

​Kim 

PS. If you enjoyed this blog, then come over and join the Sprinkles of Wisdom for Wonderful Women Newsletter Club. You'll receive regular letters from me where I share insights, inspiration, reflections, support and do-able strategies on how you can create and integrate more calm, connection and confidence into your life without running away to Bali.

A reminder this blog is for general information and advice only. It is not designed to replace therapy in any way. For some people Christmas is not just stressful, it is also traumatic. The above advice is not meant to address Christmas trauma. If you are experiencing trauma, overwhelming Christmas anxiety, depression, or any other mental health concern please see your GP, or your mental health therapist, or see if you think I may be a good fit for you .

Have you been told you "really should" walk, but you can't seem to make it happen?

What stops you from walking?

It's normal to feel hesitant or unsure about starting something new.

In this article I share strategies to help you get out the door, what to do when you're feeling uncomfortable or feeling anxious about what lies beyond your front door..  

​How to reduce anxiety about walking. 
You can become comfortable with walking and develop a strong habit, but be patient with yourself.  

If this is difficult for you, it can take time to feel this comfort.  

Below you will find some tips to first help you get comfortable enough to walk and then ways you can play with  discomfort on your walk.

But first chose the simplest walk to get started on.

I have this normal, routine walk in the morning that I think I could actually walk with my eyes closed, even stopping subconsciously before crossing the road, because I have done this walk literally thousands of times.  My brain knows where we are going, so it's really comfortable with this route. It's like, yep, I've got this, I know what we're doing. This frees me up to do other things whilst walking, like chat on the phone, listen to podcasts, practice mindfulness, let my mind wonder and dip into creativity.  It's amazing what you can do on a walk once you get out the door.

Six tips to prepare to walk
There are certain things you can do to prepare for walking to reduce your anxiety and increase your level of comfort and safety. 

1. Check the weather.  Look at the weather and the weather app.  If it's pouring rain, but it's going to stop shortly and you can wait, wait.  If this is your only chance to walk, walk, with your raincoat and your most waterproof shoes, accepting that you may need to change when you come home. If it's freezing cold, you could have a hot shower first to warm yourself up, or put your fleecy pants on. 
2. Check out your walking route.  One reason I walk the path I do is because, touch wood, although there's frequently people walking dogs, there's normally no unleashed dogs. I feel safe there. it's lit, it's populated.
3. Choose a time that works for you.  If you like walking with lots of people time your walk for a popular walking time. School drop off and pick up time can work, or earlier when people are walking their dogs.  If you don't like walking where there are lots of people, avoid those times.  It will take a little trial and error to find the best time.
4. Be sensible.  Don't walk paths that are isolated and screened from the public if you are walking by yourself.  Don't walk in the dark.  I knew someone who would go running in the dark because that was their preference, I prefer the light and stay aware of potential hazards.
5. Be flexible. If it's dark, wait till it's light, or do your walk before it's dark. So the time you walk can vary as the seasons change.
6. Walking by yourself is the most flexible and convenient way to consolidate a daily habit, but if that is too much, tee up to walk with a friend/neighbour.

Next, I list a few obstacles that may be getting in your way, and some strategies for becoming more comfortable with walking.  

Potential Obstacles your Mind provides to Walking 
Social Anxiety - what if I see people I know and they want to talk to me? I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't know what to say. I just want to be left alone. 

Generalised Anxiety - Where should I walk? When should I walk? What if I meet a dog? What if I fall over? What if someone comes to visit and I'm not at home? What if someone attacks me? What if my feet hurt? What if I get too hot, too cold, too wet, too sweaty? What if.....?
 
Energy levels - I dont have the spoons to talk or interact with anyone today. I can either choose to use my energy to shower and get dressed 'properly', or I can walk. And if I walk without showering or putting on a bra, I don't want anyone to see me.
 
Self-Image - what will people think of me? People will judge me. I've put on weight. I'm injured and can't walk how I usually walk - I look stupid. I have a disability and look different from other people and people will stare at me. I have daggy clothes and everyone in my neighbourhood is wearing name brand exercise clothes.
 
Identity - I'm not someone who usually does exercise, if I go for a walk people will wonder what on earth I am doing.
 
Depression. If I walk, I have to walk by myself and people will think I don't have any friends. It's boring and pointless.  I'll never be (fit/skinny) enough. 
 
Can you recognise yourself in any of these?
​
Your mental health, your mindset, the way you talk to yourself, your physical fitness and the way you see yourself, are some of the real challenges that people face when wanting to walk.  I address all these challenges and more when helping clients create and sustain a walking habit, but in this blog let's drill down a little into anxiety and being uncomfortable.

What to do when you're feeling uncomfortable
Notice what you are experiencing, thinking and feeling.

​Now this sounds simple, but it does require practice, especially when you're not feeling stressed.  Practicing awareness is the key. 

​Here's an example of how I did this the other day.

I turned right instead of left at the end of my street.  

When my mind realised this and flagged that something was different, I noticed my inside lurched. And this little voice said, 'hmm, what are you doing? What are you doing? This isn't what we know, this isn't safe.'  When I noticed this I sat back and observed,

Wow, that's interesting. I'm noticing a lurching in my body. I'm noticing a resistance in my brain.  This is the physicality of the emotion, know as interoception, You can feel it. It's a physicality of anxiety 'Are you sure? Are we gonna be okay? What, what if, what if?'  My practice on my walk is to listen to that and notice it and keep going.

Sometimes changing direction isn't your choice. The way I normally walk is actually blocked off by construction at the moment. Meaning I needed to change my route.  When I first observed this, the voices started up, 'oh, can't do that. Can't go there. Where else can we go? Will this way be okay?'.  I observed my mind chattering away to me.  I then tuned in to the part of me that observes what is going on and that sounded a bit like this, 'hmm, I notice you're sounding quite anxious there. It's okay. We've got this.'

Learning how to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and experiences in a mindful non judgemental way, may be the key to all the changes you wish to make.

How do you move from overwhelm to calm?

It can feel so daunting.

All the steps, the time and energy involved.  It's all just too much.

Yes, there are many steps.
Yes, any change requires time and energy, discipline and commitment.

And yes, the thought of all these things is often enough to stop you from doing anything.

But,
what if you were to focus on mastering just one skill?

Whether you want to reduce overwhelm, increase your health, increase calm, improve your confidence, deepen connections, or create more sustainable work habits, it all starts with this one thing.

The power of paying attention.

If paying attention is so powerful, why don't we do it?
If you're like me, (and everyone else!), you probably do things that take you away from paying attention. 

Things like binge watching, gaming, reading, gambling, drinking, scrolling, eating.

You engage in avoidance behaviour because it's safe, it offers comfort, it's easy. Binge watching or playing Candy Crush feel great. That chocolate, mmmmm; the thrill of winning; the pleasure of escaping into fantasy.  

These activities give you short hits of dopamine, they balance your central  nervous system.  

And this can be extremely useful. Especially in the short term.

Because life is stressful.  Feelings are hard.  People are tricky.  Managing competing demands is demanding.

There's reasons why you are drawn to fun, simple, easy.

And any behaviour that takes you away from what you are feeling, thinking, experiencing can be helpful. After dipping into the soothing and relaxing you can return to the demanding feeling refreshed. Well that's the plan.

But what happens when you spend too much time in the safe bubble?

I really believe in self-care, but find I can get to the end of the day and realise I actually haven't done it.  Running a small business and medium sized family looking after myself is really important, or I will get burnt out.
 
So, I thought this week I would schedule it in.  

I sat down at the beginning of the week and thought Wednesday morning and Friday afternoon, they look like good times to have a few hours break to myself.  Monday and Tuesday I will work on my business doing admin, marketing, exploring possible new sub contractors etc.  Wednesday afternoon I have private clients, Thursday I need to work on assessments and client notes/plan, Friday assessment to do. 
 
So welcome to Wednesday morning.  My youngest has had ongoing minor medical health issues.  These popped up again on Tuesday, so first priority this morning was to make an appointment for him and take him.  Then my middle child informs me that they, and a number of other students, were excluded from important career sessions at school and they have not been informed of when they will be allowed to catch up.  So,  parenting task no.2. 
 

.

Family connectedness starts with you.  You can be the calm one in the house.

Stop wishing for the perfect life, the perfect children, and perfect home.  If you find your inner voice saying things that include words like 'should' and 'it's not fair', 'if only' this is an indication that you are experiencing distorted thinking.  Distorted thinking is one of the underlying causes of depression.  If you are having these types of thoughts, chances are you are not feeling very happy.  If you are not feeling happy and positive, it is unlikely your family is happy either.

Start with where you are.  One way to move forward is to practice ABOLD approach.

A:  Awareness.  Notice the thoughts you are having e.g.. 'I wish my child would just do as they are told'.

B:  Breathe.  Take 3 deep breaths.

O:  Own your thought or feeling.  'Isn't that interesting.  I'm having the thought again that I wish my child would just do as they are told'.

L:  Let it go.  You are not your thought.  Often just acknowledging your thought will create a sense of release.  Otherwise there are a range of techniques you can practice.  The following are just a couple of suggestions.  Imagine putting that thought into an envelope and posting it or shaping into a balloon and releasing it.  Or imagine the thought in big letters and then shrinking it down so it fits in the palm of your hand. 

D: Do something.  Ground yourself in the here and now.  Sip water, wriggle your toes, hug your child, go for a walk.  Reclaim yourself and the situation for how it actually is.

Having worked with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents for over 17 years, Positive Young Minds offers private consultations where you can talk about your parenting challenges and your own self-care needs.  

Together creating calm, connection and confidence.