I have a question for you.

"How are you feeling right now?"
 
Many people have no idea, or provide an automatic response like, "I'm feeling good, I'm fine."  
 
If you have difficulties with knowing how you feel, you are not alone.  

​There are many reasons why you may not be able to easily identify what you are feeling - including the fact that many people who ask you how you are feeling, don't really care!  It's just a societal nicety to get out of the way.  

But knowing how you are feeling IS important.  

Combined with knowing what you are thinking and identifying what your body is experiencing, it's one of the key ways you make sense of the world around you.  This awareness is a part of living a more mindful life and  taking responsibility for your overall self-care.  

​Below are five habits or behaviours that might be getting in the way for you understanding what you are feeling.  Note, I do not discuss trauma in this article, or anxiety and other mental health conditions that can cause difficulties in accessing emotions.  The five habits discussed are behaviours and habits that everyone can fall into with realising it.  
 
5 feelings habits or behaviours
The first is DISTRACTION. There are so many things that distract us and take us out of ourselves on a day-to-day basis, not the least being, the 24 hour digital world we live in.  Whether it be social media, watching YouTube videos, Netflix or Foxtel, there's so much you can tune into any second of the day and never have to be alone with yourself, your thoughts and your feelings.  Distraction is a huge blockage that can get in the way of knowing how you really feel.
 
Did you know that the statistics around how often people pick up their phone is amazing.  It’s about once every five or 10 minutes. And the number of people who, the first thing they do in the morning is not check in with themselves, but check in with what random people are doing on Facebook or Instagram.  Hands up if you can relate to either of these things.  I know I definitely get hooked into this from time to time.

The next three obstacles I’m grouping together and calling them REASONS.  This covers justification, blame and shame.  In these situations you can identify what you are feeling but you are stepping into your logical mind instead of allowing yourself the experience.  

In JUSTIFICATION you are explaining your feelings.  For example.  “Oh, I'm feeling pretty tired, but I didn't sleep real well. And you know, maybe if I've gone to bed early or I wouldn't feel quite so tired” or “I'm feeling okay today, but you know, I had time to myself and I was able to go for a walk and unlike other days where I don't get that sort of time”. 
 
BLAME is when you are attributing your feelings to what someone else did.  For example, “I'm feeling really angry and it's your fault because you cut me off” or “it's your fault because you didn't do the dishes”. “I'm feeling really frustrated because they didn't ring me when they were supposed to”. So your emotion is all about what someone else did to you. 
 
I'm not saying some of these things didn't happen and some of them might not have contributed to your frustration or your anger or your happiness or whatever you're feeling. However, allowing yourself to go down this train of thought is taking you away from what you are feeling right now and interfering with your ability to experience that emotion fully. 
 
The next reasoning obstacle is SHAME.

Emotions are complex.  

Feelings can scare you so much you can shut them down and walk through life feeling numb.  Or may you live your live feeling trapped by anxiety or depression.  Or spend your time chasing the euphoria that comes from happiness, and by trying to create it, miss the moments where it actually exists.  
 
The following three factors are paramount in your emotional self-care:
1. Awareness and acceptance of your emotions;
2. Being able to express emotions in a healthy way;
​and,
3. Doing activities that cultivate joy/happiness.  
 
Let's talk briefly about these three factors.
Very young babies communicate first through their emotions.  Babies cry, scream, laugh ... way before they can talk.  It is how they let others know that they have desires - for food, comfort and sleep -  that need to be met.
 
From birth individual differences are apparent in how intensely babies feel and express their emotions.  Some are born screaming at the top of their lungs - ever notice that some babies don’t just cry a little bit when they are hungry, need changing or tired, they scream at the top of their lungs.  Whereas others are much more contemplative and seem to take it all in their stride.  .  
 
Over time as a baby learns that people will respond to their cries; as they begin first to use movement as communication, and then speech, their emotional response tends to reduce in intensity.  

However, the ability to express emotions varies.  

Emotional overwhelm (meltdowns) may occur when speech language development is delayed, when children are exhausted from not getting their needs (both real and perceived met) and/or when they are coping with high levels of stress.

And so it is with adults.  Have you ever noticed how much easier is to be calm and rational when you have had a full 9=8 hours restful sleep?
 
And lastly a quick look at doing activities that cultivate happiness.  To help you do this I have put some prompts below.  I invite you to actively journal and write down some of your responses.
 
Prompts
🌼When was the last time you felt happy?
🌼In whose company do you feel comfort?
🌼In what activities do you ‘flow’?
🌼When do you lose a sense of time and space and feel that you just 'are'’?
🌼Do you have something to look forward to?
🌼What excites you?
🌼Have you planned to do activities / made time for things that make you smile?
🌼Do you know when people are happiest?
🌼Have you planned to do activities / made time for things that are important to you?

Research indicates that doing what is most important, pursuing a meaningful life may be the true key to happiness.

It also shows that being present and fully in the moment, regardless of what you are doing is also linked to happiness.

Positive Young Minds combines evidence backed knowledge and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents, and parents for over 17 years when working with you and your child.  You can book a private consultation to talk about your concerns, and I can help you and your child with emotional understanding and management, and finding the joy in life. 

Working together to create calm, connection, and confidence.

​Kim Ross
Child Psychologist, Fierce Self-Care Advocate and Founder of Positive Young Minds​

PS. If you enjoyed this blog, then come over and join the The Sprinkles of Wisdom for Wonderful Women Newsletter Club.  You'll receive regular letters from me where I share insights, inspiration, reflections, support and do-able strategies on how you can create and integrate more calm, connection and confidence into your life without running away to Bali. 

So, you'd like to stop feeling guilty.

If you're like me you are not short of examples where motherhood guilt popped up its head.

As recently as last week I was at an all day event and about 11.30 I received a text from my youngest.

It read
'Mum, where are you?'  😳😳

So, yes.
I put my hand up for another vote towards the Worst Mother of the Year Award.

Well, first the bad news about feeling guilty...

You cant really stop it....

But....

You don't really want to.

Guilt is an emotion, and like all emotions it has a purpose - it is giving you feedback and guidance on your life.

 It is important that you feel guilt.

There are two question to ask yourself: 

1. What is this emotion telling you?  
2. Is this helpful in helping you lead YOUR best life?.  

 
Have a look at these two examples.

1. You forgot to call your mum for her birthday and now you’re feeling guilty.
2. You want to go out for lunch with your friend and your child doesn’t want you to go.  They cry and run after the car as you leave the driveway.  (They are staying home with their dad).

 

Do you feel part of a group of friends?

If you answer no, you are not alone..

Does Christmas find you feeling lonely? 

Are you looking for easy ways to connect with other people at Christmas?  

Feeling connected is important for your mental health, with strong links between loneliness and depression; social connectedness and feeling happier.  But where do you start?

Changing your mindset around loneliness is an important part of feeling more connected, but gift giving provides you with a unique opportunity to reach out to others in a practical and tangible way.  It's wonderful to be able to choose gifts that reduce Christmas stress, but here's one way you can look beyond traditional gift giving and strengthen your connections.  

​I admit it, I get annoyed, irritated, even angry, easily.  Some days it could be something as simple as missing a change of lights and getting stuck in the traffic; not knowing what I'm going to have for tea; my children asking me the same question 20 different times in an hour; or, something totally out of my control like the state of world politics.  Somedays I just wake up irritated due to other stresses.

My brain battles with the fact that the world is not how I would like it to be and is full of "whys and shoulds''.  

Now anger can be a great motivating force for change, however, when directed at things you can't change or don't have the time, energy or inclination to change, it is like banging your head against a brick wall.  

It's hard being angry and annoyed, it takes energy and it hurts the people around me when I am short with my patience or have no space in my world of indignation to listen and be with them. ​

Remembering to stop and breath is common advice, and when you can do this it helps.  

Why does breathing help calm you down? One of the reasons is that it creates a buffer between emotion and action.  But it is not the only way to create a buffer.  Here are three other strategies you can try to calm down.

1.    Awareness - recognise that you are feeling annoyed.  Labelling this emotion.
2.   Make sure you are eating, drinking and walking regularly.  Maintaining a balanced physiology is important for emotional regulation.
3.  Rate your annoyance - how important is it that you react to that perceived injustice/annoyance.  Try using a scale of 10. Interesting when I apply a rating most times it has only been about 2/3 out of 10.