Does the thought of Christmas make you break out in a sweat? Does the sight of mince pies and Advent calendars in the shops start your mind racing even when Christmas is over two months away? It’s hard trying to juggle work, being a mum, and Christmas preparations and Christmas overwhelm and anxiety is real. But, there are three things that you can do to create an awesome Christmas and reduce your stress:

• Start with deciding the one thing you must include in your Christmas season.
• Secondly, intentionally create and deepen your connection with yourself, others, the world around you, and the transcendental.
• And lastly, but not least(y) maintain your self-care. Don't scoff. Self-care fatigue may be real, but there are simple ways to include self-care as part of your life and practice self-care at Christmas. 

​Christmas is part of the year's rhythm, like Spring, birthdays, and the start of the school year. In Spring you start to swap your winter clothes out for lighter dresses and pack your heavier coats away (although not too far away if you live in Melbourne where our seasons tend to ignore their order on the calendar). At the end of the school year, there is space for reflecting on the achievements of the year, celebrating them with concerts, displays of artwork, and reports that provide a potted summary of the blood, sweat, and tears.

And before Christmas you plan, you shop, you get swept into the rhythm of what always happens at Christmas. You may work hard to recreate the magic of your childhood Christmas, or you may work hard to ensure your family experiences the joy you never did. You want to spend quality time with your loved ones, choose the right gifts, make people happy, and create wonderful memories.

Some years it works. And other years there are tears, exhaustion, disappointment, and arguments. The drive to make this ‘the most magical time of the year’ can take its toll, and in the pressure to do everything for everyone, your needs, and your rights, can get lost.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

• Becoming stressed if you can’t find the perfect gift, can’t do everything on the list, or people don’t want to do what is on your list.
• Replaying past arguments and disagreements and feeling angry or helpless.
• Continually being in problem-solving mode.
• Imagining being sick at Christmas time so you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.
• Saying things like “I'll just put it on the credit card and worry about it next year’, “or “I know it is more than what I want to pay, but they’re going to love it’.
• Putting your hand up for too many things – "I’ll host it. Don’t worry you don’t need to bring anything, I'll sort it out.
• Overcommitting to expensive gifts, food and drink to keep people happy or to make a good impression. Agreeing to drive to two different places on Christmas Day with young children so you can keep both sides of the family happy.
• Feeling guilty because you can't do enough or you've let someone down. 

​You may swing from avoidance to control, as your thoughts and feelings take up more of your mental space and lead you to old habits that have not served you well in the past.  Let's get started on what you can do to create a different, calmer, more enjoyable and awesome experience this Christmas.  

​What to do to reduce Christmas Stress
Simplifying as much as possible is a great place to start.  You can simplify gift giving, decorations, celebrations and expectations.  Following are 6 steps to simplify Christmas expectations. 
​
1. Awareness.
Take 10-20 minutes and connect with what you feel and what you think about all these expectations that you have created or bought into. What are the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about Christmas? Find something to write in and listen to what you are saying to yourself. It may look something like this

• “I’m feeling guilty because I don’t want to make my pudding this year, but I know everyone loves it and I should”.
• I’m feeling sad. I keep thinking how much I miss my mum and wish she was here’
• I’m feeling overwhelmed. There’s so much to do and I don’t know where I’m going to fit it in.
• I’m feeling angry. I don’t want to go to x/s house on Christmas Day. We always do and it’s not fair. I want to stay at y own home all day and let the kids play.
• "I'm feeling confused. I don't know how to keep everyone from not fighting on Christmas Day and I just wish it was all over.
• "I don't know where to start”.

Note:: If getting in touch with your feelings is difficult there can be a few reasons why that is happening.   You can come back to exploring your feelings in the future either with your GP, or mental health therapist, or if this is something you would like help with you are welcome to contact me for an appointment.

2. Reflection.
Once you’ve named and acknowledged your thoughts and feelings it’s time to reflect on what they might be trying to tell you about what is important to you at Christmas. 

Here are some simple guiding reflection questions.

• What are your best memories of Christmas's past?
• What would you have liked to have done last year that you didn’t get to do? What got in the way of that happening?
• Is there something different/special coming up this year that you are looking forward to?
• What was stressful?
• What would you like to change?
• What  is the most important thing about the Christmas season for you? Include everything in the  lead up to Christmas Day and the days after?

​3. Communication.
After you have listed what you want and your ideal Christmas, ask everyone else in your house, and/or those you know you want to celebrate Christmas with how they would answer the same questions. It's important to listen with curiosity and openness.  

4. Analysis
Compare the lists. Circle what there is in common, and those that are doable. Can you identify what matters most to everyone? Any surprises? How do you feel about what they said? It can be enlightening to realise that you don't always know what other people are thinking and that what you perceive isn't always true. Is it time to manage expectations – we’re not going to Disneyland. Sometimes it’s helpful to prompt, why do you want to go to Disneyland – oh, you’d like to get as far away as possible from all the drama that happened last year….

Don't forget - you're after an enjoyable, awesome Christmas, not one you've got through with gritted teeth, and can't wait until Boxing Day when it's all over.

5. Simplify. 
It's decision time. After the brainstorming, now it’s time to make some selections that you think will work best for the people who matter most – you and your family. Depending on the age of your children and who else is involved in your Christmas planning this will look a little different. You could have a family meeting or a family group chat, or perhaps the main parts of the day are decided by one or two people. The important part is that everyone's needs (including yours) are respected. The aim is for everyone to have one non-negotiable thing they will do/have/experience at Christmas.  Everything else is a bonus. 

6. Do.
The next step in the plan is to put it in place and monitor it as you go. Mark the things that matter on your Calendar and in your diary. Be prepared to be flexible whilst keeping in mind the things that have the greatest priority. Hold your sights firmly on your North Star and hold this plan lightly in your heart. Remember what matters most.

In the past our non-negotiable items in my family have been: Christmas light looking, celebrating Christmas with all the extended family, spending Christmas Day with partner, Midnight Mass, sausage rolls at Christmas lunch, It can be amazing when you strip it right back what the thing is people most remember and care about. Celebrating with others is usually comes up as a priority, although some years having space and time to oneself on the day takes priority, particularly for members who become easily overwhelmed.

When you strip back your expectations and focus on what really matters it invites calm into your life.  If you like to listen to podcasts, here is an episode where I talk about creating Christmas calm through managing expectations. ​

Mental health and well-being are strongly linked to how connected you feel to those around you. The centre of this is yourself. Following are suggestions for strengthening connections in each of the four layers of connection: connection with yourself, connecting with your family and friends, connecting with the natural world, and connecting with the transcendental.

1. Connecting with yourself.
The work you’ve just done on identifying what makes Christmas awesome for YOU, and being honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings around Christmas was a great way of connecting with yourself.

Three other ways to connect with yourself are:

• Checking in with yourself everyday and respecting your needs. You can do this through activities such as journalling or body scans. 
• Creating space for calmness through practicing mindful awareness of the small things
• Stop judging yourself.  Too often we speak to ourselves with the voice of the harshest critic.  It's time to bring the cheer leaders out. Sure life is messy, Christmas can be chaotic.  All thoughts and feelings are valid and welcome.  You are doing the best you can with your resources, your circumstances and your strengths.
• Maintaining your self-care routine (more on this later in this article).  

(Note: You may have found this an easy thing to do, but there may have been unexpected things that have popped up. If these reflections increased your stress or anxiety please check in with your GP, or counsellor or contact me for an appointment to help you work through it.)

2. Connecting with friends and family.
Some of the ways to connect with friends and family include:

• Checking in with your family's expectations, so that the times you do have together have the greatest potential to be enjoyable,
• Choosing the right gift  
• Working out a plan for managing people you don't want to see but can't avoid. For many people, social interaction and family challenges are the most stressful part of Christmas. 
• Here are seven easy ways you can connect with other people at Christmas.

How being with others will vary each Christmas as needs change due to factors such as new relationships, divorce and separation, illnesses, work commitments, and capacity.

Beyond your immediate circle of friends and family, there are several ways to connect with the broader community. These can include:

• Participating in Christmas Carols.
• Attending church services.
• Contributing to food drives.
• Attending Christmas festival.s
• Buying from local markets.
• Participating in neighbourhood get-togethers.

Or on a smaller scale:

• Making and/or writing Christmas Cards (one of my favourites).
• Giving homemade Christmas gifts to neighbours (I also really like doing this).
• Simply saying Merry Christmas.

Instead of the stress of juggling too many commitments at Christmas, other's find themselves feeling alone. If you’re by yourself at Christmas, there are other options to achieve this sense of connection and reduce loneliness.

Christmas demands can challenge your existing self-care routines, whilst also providing some unique opportunities for enhancement. All the stressors outlined earlier can undermine existing self-care routines, especially if they are newly established. And Christmas also effects the routine and habits of others around you.  You may find you're down a walking buddy, that Christmas treats are suddenly in your eyeline everytime you go shopping, that your loved ones are feeling broke or isolated. It's a shifting milieu.

This is where fierce self-care becomes important, especially if you are prone to Christmas stress and anxiety. Self-care is so much more than bubble baths and treating yourself. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's an act of self-love.  It encompasses everything you do to maintain and enhance your ability to function well in your day-to-day life and these actions are often talked about as healthy habits. Here's a quick overview of the five foundations of self-care.

The five foundations of self-care:

• Physical self-care: taking care of your body.  This includes exercise/movement, nutrition/diet, sleep, and regular medical check ups.  
• Psychological self-care: taking care of your mind. This includes setting boundaries, cultivating healthy thinking, managing stress, challenging yourself, learning new things.  
• Emotional self-care: managing your feelings.  This includes awareness and acceptance of emotions, resilience, finding joy, respecting and accepting self, 
• Connection: developing relationships with family, friends, others and community that minimise loneliness.  Connecting with nature and the transcendent world.   
• Meaning: finding the meaning in your life and reflecting your values in your actions.​

​Three questions to ask yourself repeatedly over Christmas
1. Is this what I need most? To avoid Christmas burnout, check in with your needs before saying yes. Does that social engagement provide connection opportunities that you are needing?  Or do you have enough and need a break? 
2. Will this help fill my self-care bucket or poke another hole in it? Running it past the five foundations list is a good rule of thumb.  Even better if it's an activity that ticks more than one of the five foundations.  Walking is great for this.   
3. Is this something I know helps me? Remind yourself of the benefits of your normal routine, of your why.  Prioritise the things you know work: keep walking, eating your veggies, journalling, meditating, talking with friends, doing your yoga, etc.

Opportunities to cultivate awe through mindfulness
Lean into mindfulness, which just happens to be one of the most powerful forms of self-care and takes very little time, because it is about the how of what you do, not the what. Mindfulness practices heighten your senses, and intensity your experiences, and are a gateway to awe. At Christmas mindful opportunities abound, including:

• Thinking about the stories behind the Christmas decorations as you dress the tree or your house
• Using cloth to wrap your gift and noticing the textures
• Thinking about the recipient as you wrap your gift
• Listening to carols and focusing on just one instrument
• Listening to your loved ones needs
• Putting your phone away and being fully present at the Christmas Performance
• Including everyone on creating a family Spotified Christmas list
• and many more...

A quick reminder in any situation is to use your senses to bring you back to the moment of what is actually happening.  

How simplifying, reducing expectations and prioritising activities; practicing connection and engaging in fierce self-care work together to help you make a simply awesome Christmas.

• Deliberately and intentionally reflecting on your needs.  This reinforces understanding and respect of self.
• Choosing your Christmas priority.  This taps into the self-care foundation of living your life's meaning, protects your energy and reduce decision making.
• Saying no and setting boundaries reduces the cognitive stress of incongruence and overwhelm and is a form of cognitive self-care.. 
• Christmas is a time when reaching out to others, even those you don't know that well, is encouraged. Saying Merry Christmas, smiling, waving, and engaging in microconnections of strangers is accepted and welcomed. What a wonderful way to boost your sense of belonging. 
• Practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and self-compassion. These are all facets of emotional self-care.
• Organising to catch up with others at a park, the beach or going for a walk.  (Walking ticks off all the self-care boxes!) can reduce costs, whilst helping you sleep, provide connection with nature and make it easy to practice mindfulness.

By reducing demands and expectations, looking after yourself, taking the time to reflect, and mindfully being present, you are well on your way to creating an awesome Christmas that works for you and your family. Along the way you may face some difficult challenges in letting things go, saying no, setting boundaries, maintaining self-care, and getting through the season.

​If you would like support with any of this I am happy to help. Positive Young Minds is open up until the 22nd of December and then closed for Christmas Week.

​For over 17 years, I have combined research and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents to help them understand and manage big emotions and create calmer homes.  Homes where big feelings are understood, needs are met so that Christmas can be celebrated, not dreaded.

You are welcome to book an appointment to discuss your concerns and your goals and work with me to make the change you are looking for.

Chat soon

​Kim 

PS. If you enjoyed this blog, then come over and join the Sprinkles of Wisdom for Wonderful Women Newsletter Club. You'll receive regular letters from me where I share insights, inspiration, reflections, support and do-able strategies on how you can create and integrate more calm, connection and confidence into your life without running away to Bali.

A reminder this blog is for general information and advice only. It is not designed to replace therapy in any way. For some people Christmas is not just stressful, it is also traumatic. The above advice is not meant to address Christmas trauma. If you are experiencing trauma, overwhelming Christmas anxiety, depression, or any other mental health concern please see your GP, or your mental health therapist, or see if you think I may be a good fit for you .

Self-care fatigue describes the exhaustion and guilt you feel when you can't fit self-care into your day or your budget. 

Going out for lunch, getting your nails done or a massage, even going for a walk. When all you want to do at the end of the day is to put your feet up and watch TV

Sometimes it is all just so far out of reach.

And the pressure to do it is yet another burden adding to the daily overwhelm.

The good news is that self-care doesn't have to be something else you fit into your day.

Mindful, integrated self-care is available to everyone, because self-care is not just about what you do, but how you do it.  It's not just about taking chunks out of your life, but making self-care integral to your life.  

What is mindful integrated self-care?

Mindful, integrated self-care encompasses:

• how you listen
• what you say
• how you manage your thoughts and feelings
• what you pay attention to
• how you choose to parent, work, live  

It's active and fierce, because to do it you need to:

• showing yourself compassion
• seeing the beauty in the ordinary
• say no to others expectations
• move away from judgement and towards understanding and acceptance
• simplify your life so that if reflects what matters most to you.

It can be challenging.  And while there are some things we know can improve our mental and physical health if we do them, it's never just about adding something to your to do list.  

It's about doing what you can to prioritise your mental and physical health

Here's a practical example.

Let's take sleep.

I go through up and down waves with my sleep. I'll have days when I'm awake between 3.30-4am, then my sleep pattern will reset.  

Sleep is super important for health and an integral part of self-care.  
I have a choice in how I manage my erratic sleep patterns.  I can stress over the fact that I am going through sleep deficit, knowing that that is 'not great self-care'.

Or I can accept that this is happening.

• I can accept at this happens to many women my age.
• I can give my self self-compassion and adjust my daily activity schedule to reflect less available energy, conserving it for the most important elements of my life.  
• I can check off my sleep preparation strategies and maybe increase some such as more exercise earlier in the day or less screen time (acceptance doesn't equal lack of action).

This process of acceptance, of self-compassion, of awareness of energy and capacity is ​all self-care. 

What do you think?  Do you experience self-care fatigue?  Would you like more information on mindful integrated self-care?  

Pop a comment in below or drop me an email.

For over 17 years, I have combined research and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents to help other women like you integrate mindfulness and prioritise self-care in  their busy lives. 

You are welcome to schedule a private session to stop stuffing self-care down the bottom of your to do list and switch to a more sustainable approach. 

Chat soon

Kim

ps I do have resources you can access:

The Self-Care Hub which caters for mental health professionals and mums (or if you're like me, both).
And the Creating Connection: Move, Eat, Sleep, Connect Podcast (100 episodes).

​A reminder this blog is for general information and advice only. It is not designed to replace therapy in any way. If you are experiencing any mental health concern please see your GP, or your mental health therapist, or see if you think I may be a good fit for you .

Does buying Christmas presents stress you out?  

If you love Christmas and the hope and magic it can bring, but buying presents is a nightmare, you are not alone!  

Some years the list of people I thought I just had to get presents for seemed to be never ending -  family, friends, work colleagues, teachers, staff, football coaches, not to  mention my own children the list went on and on.  

Buying Christmas presents is one of the many expectations you can feel at Christmas time and one of the many stressors and tasks that can lead to Christmas overwhelm.  

I have 14 suggestions to help you reduce the stress and anxiety of buying gifts, including what to buy your kids, but first the two most important things to keep in mind when buying Christmas gifts are:
​
🌟 Experiences that contribute to our happiness. Not more stuff! 
🌟The simplest way of making gifts easier is to reduce the number of gifts you buy and the number of people you give gifts too.  

Each year leading up to Christmas when we ask ourselves what we want for Christmas, I find is an inspiring time to actually look at what I have.  We know that if you are looking to increase the happiness in your life that putting time and energy into experiences rather than things is the way to go. 
 
However, things have a way of accumulating.  Whether you have bought them with good intentions or whether they have come to you as gifts or through other means.  And before you know it even things you love can just become part of ‘stuff everywhere’! 
 
Sitting back and looking at your stuff can be a great way of reconnecting with what is important to you.  By curating your stuff you can creating an environment that supports your current stage of life, your current interests and is uplifting.  
 
Let’s start by looking at books.  
 
Growing up we had a set of World Book encyclopedias.  I loved them.  You could open up at any page and learn something new about the world.  Looking at them gave me a sense of wonder and thirst for knowledge.  I probably loved my fantasy books (Enid Blyton anyone?) where I went into worlds where anything and everything was possible.  
 
It’s the promise contained in books that I love.
 
As I grew older my relationship with books became a bit more complicated.  Books I had to read – school novels, reference books.  Books I thought I should read – parenting books, self-help books.  And instead of being always about pleasure books also became a mirror reminding me of things I didn’t understand, couldn’t learn or highlighted my inadequacies. 
 
Do you love all your books?  Do you smile when you see them, refer to them regularly and rejoice in their wisdom?
 
OR
 
Are their books on your bookshelf that taunt you with reminders about your failures?  Cookbooks full of recipes you haven’t tried.  Self-help books with exercises you haven’t completed.  Novels you haven’t read.  Parenting books that seem to mock you.  Reference books you don’t use (or are way out of date). 
 
Why are you holding on to them?
 
Marie Kondo speaks of holding things to see if they spark joy.  And it’s an exercise I do every so often.  
 
You take the books down from the shelves and hold each one.  How does it feel?  Do you feel inspired when you hold it?  Or do you notice creeping thoughts such as I ‘should’ read that, followed by a sigh or accompanied by a self chastising ‘well that was a waste of money’. 
 
(If you have electronic books that you’ve downloaded, although you can’t hold them you can look at the titles and notice what thoughts and feelings arise.)
 
From here you have two choices. 
 
If you feel inspired, warm, joyful when you pick up the book - make the recipes, do the exercises, read the novels.  Reconnect with the reason why that book is on your shelf in the first place.   
 
OR
 
If you feel nothing, or the weight of the ‘shoulds’, move the book on.  Acknowledge your intentions when you bought the book.  Thank the book for the hope it inspired, acknowledge and release any guilt or disappointment in yourself.  Depending on the book you could donate them, give them to friends etc.  Notice how you feel when you do this.  
 
As you remove the stuff (and fluff) from your life that no longer matters, you make space for reconnecting to what is really important to you.  
 
If you do this I would love to know what you discover.  You can email me at kimdunn@positiveyoungminds.com.au.

NOMOPHOBIA
Nomophobia (no-mobile-phone phobia), not an official diagnosis, but refers to the anxiety people feel when they are separated from their mobile phone. This may be due to not having their phone, lack of service connection, or a dead battery. It can result in a range of anxiety symptoms. It can also be a symptom of social anxiety.

(Not to be confused with the existing, clinically accepted disorder of nomophobia which refers to a fear of laws, rules and regulations).

We all love being able to take photos on our phones, keep up to date with who is doing what, and share our lives quickly and vibrantly with our friends, family and anyone else who is interested.  However, it is easy for our phones to encroach too much into our lives.  The ironic and sad situation is that despite us wanting to use our phones to increase connections in our lives, it is easy for our phone use to interfere with our ability to feel and be connected.  How do you know if your phone use may be interfering with your life?