Does the thought of Christmas make you break out in a sweat? Does the sight of mince pies and Advent calendars in the shops start your mind racing even when Christmas is over two months away? It’s hard trying to juggle work, being a mum, and Christmas preparations and Christmas overwhelm and anxiety is real. But, there are three things that you can do to create an awesome Christmas and reduce your stress:

• Start with deciding the one thing you must include in your Christmas season.
• Secondly, intentionally create and deepen your connection with yourself, others, the world around you, and the transcendental.
• And lastly, but not least(y) maintain your self-care. Don't scoff. Self-care fatigue may be real, but there are simple ways to include self-care as part of your life and practice self-care at Christmas. 

​Christmas is part of the year's rhythm, like Spring, birthdays, and the start of the school year. In Spring you start to swap your winter clothes out for lighter dresses and pack your heavier coats away (although not too far away if you live in Melbourne where our seasons tend to ignore their order on the calendar). At the end of the school year, there is space for reflecting on the achievements of the year, celebrating them with concerts, displays of artwork, and reports that provide a potted summary of the blood, sweat, and tears.

And before Christmas you plan, you shop, you get swept into the rhythm of what always happens at Christmas. You may work hard to recreate the magic of your childhood Christmas, or you may work hard to ensure your family experiences the joy you never did. You want to spend quality time with your loved ones, choose the right gifts, make people happy, and create wonderful memories.

Some years it works. And other years there are tears, exhaustion, disappointment, and arguments. The drive to make this ‘the most magical time of the year’ can take its toll, and in the pressure to do everything for everyone, your needs, and your rights, can get lost.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

• Becoming stressed if you can’t find the perfect gift, can’t do everything on the list, or people don’t want to do what is on your list.
• Replaying past arguments and disagreements and feeling angry or helpless.
• Continually being in problem-solving mode.
• Imagining being sick at Christmas time so you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.
• Saying things like “I'll just put it on the credit card and worry about it next year’, “or “I know it is more than what I want to pay, but they’re going to love it’.
• Putting your hand up for too many things – "I’ll host it. Don’t worry you don’t need to bring anything, I'll sort it out.
• Overcommitting to expensive gifts, food and drink to keep people happy or to make a good impression. Agreeing to drive to two different places on Christmas Day with young children so you can keep both sides of the family happy.
• Feeling guilty because you can't do enough or you've let someone down. 

​You may swing from avoidance to control, as your thoughts and feelings take up more of your mental space and lead you to old habits that have not served you well in the past.  Let's get started on what you can do to create a different, calmer, more enjoyable and awesome experience this Christmas.  

​What to do to reduce Christmas Stress
Simplifying as much as possible is a great place to start.  You can simplify gift giving, decorations, celebrations and expectations.  Following are 6 steps to simplify Christmas expectations. 
​
1. Awareness.
Take 10-20 minutes and connect with what you feel and what you think about all these expectations that you have created or bought into. What are the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about Christmas? Find something to write in and listen to what you are saying to yourself. It may look something like this

• “I’m feeling guilty because I don’t want to make my pudding this year, but I know everyone loves it and I should”.
• I’m feeling sad. I keep thinking how much I miss my mum and wish she was here’
• I’m feeling overwhelmed. There’s so much to do and I don’t know where I’m going to fit it in.
• I’m feeling angry. I don’t want to go to x/s house on Christmas Day. We always do and it’s not fair. I want to stay at y own home all day and let the kids play.
• "I'm feeling confused. I don't know how to keep everyone from not fighting on Christmas Day and I just wish it was all over.
• "I don't know where to start”.

Note:: If getting in touch with your feelings is difficult there can be a few reasons why that is happening.   You can come back to exploring your feelings in the future either with your GP, or mental health therapist, or if this is something you would like help with you are welcome to contact me for an appointment.

2. Reflection.
Once you’ve named and acknowledged your thoughts and feelings it’s time to reflect on what they might be trying to tell you about what is important to you at Christmas. 

Here are some simple guiding reflection questions.

• What are your best memories of Christmas's past?
• What would you have liked to have done last year that you didn’t get to do? What got in the way of that happening?
• Is there something different/special coming up this year that you are looking forward to?
• What was stressful?
• What would you like to change?
• What  is the most important thing about the Christmas season for you? Include everything in the  lead up to Christmas Day and the days after?

​3. Communication.
After you have listed what you want and your ideal Christmas, ask everyone else in your house, and/or those you know you want to celebrate Christmas with how they would answer the same questions. It's important to listen with curiosity and openness.  

4. Analysis
Compare the lists. Circle what there is in common, and those that are doable. Can you identify what matters most to everyone? Any surprises? How do you feel about what they said? It can be enlightening to realise that you don't always know what other people are thinking and that what you perceive isn't always true. Is it time to manage expectations – we’re not going to Disneyland. Sometimes it’s helpful to prompt, why do you want to go to Disneyland – oh, you’d like to get as far away as possible from all the drama that happened last year….

Don't forget - you're after an enjoyable, awesome Christmas, not one you've got through with gritted teeth, and can't wait until Boxing Day when it's all over.

5. Simplify. 
It's decision time. After the brainstorming, now it’s time to make some selections that you think will work best for the people who matter most – you and your family. Depending on the age of your children and who else is involved in your Christmas planning this will look a little different. You could have a family meeting or a family group chat, or perhaps the main parts of the day are decided by one or two people. The important part is that everyone's needs (including yours) are respected. The aim is for everyone to have one non-negotiable thing they will do/have/experience at Christmas.  Everything else is a bonus. 

6. Do.
The next step in the plan is to put it in place and monitor it as you go. Mark the things that matter on your Calendar and in your diary. Be prepared to be flexible whilst keeping in mind the things that have the greatest priority. Hold your sights firmly on your North Star and hold this plan lightly in your heart. Remember what matters most.

In the past our non-negotiable items in my family have been: Christmas light looking, celebrating Christmas with all the extended family, spending Christmas Day with partner, Midnight Mass, sausage rolls at Christmas lunch, It can be amazing when you strip it right back what the thing is people most remember and care about. Celebrating with others is usually comes up as a priority, although some years having space and time to oneself on the day takes priority, particularly for members who become easily overwhelmed.

When you strip back your expectations and focus on what really matters it invites calm into your life.  If you like to listen to podcasts, here is an episode where I talk about creating Christmas calm through managing expectations. ​

Mental health and well-being are strongly linked to how connected you feel to those around you. The centre of this is yourself. Following are suggestions for strengthening connections in each of the four layers of connection: connection with yourself, connecting with your family and friends, connecting with the natural world, and connecting with the transcendental.

1. Connecting with yourself.
The work you’ve just done on identifying what makes Christmas awesome for YOU, and being honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings around Christmas was a great way of connecting with yourself.

Three other ways to connect with yourself are:

• Checking in with yourself everyday and respecting your needs. You can do this through activities such as journalling or body scans. 
• Creating space for calmness through practicing mindful awareness of the small things
• Stop judging yourself.  Too often we speak to ourselves with the voice of the harshest critic.  It's time to bring the cheer leaders out. Sure life is messy, Christmas can be chaotic.  All thoughts and feelings are valid and welcome.  You are doing the best you can with your resources, your circumstances and your strengths.
• Maintaining your self-care routine (more on this later in this article).  

(Note: You may have found this an easy thing to do, but there may have been unexpected things that have popped up. If these reflections increased your stress or anxiety please check in with your GP, or counsellor or contact me for an appointment to help you work through it.)

2. Connecting with friends and family.
Some of the ways to connect with friends and family include:

• Checking in with your family's expectations, so that the times you do have together have the greatest potential to be enjoyable,
• Choosing the right gift  
• Working out a plan for managing people you don't want to see but can't avoid. For many people, social interaction and family challenges are the most stressful part of Christmas. 
• Here are seven easy ways you can connect with other people at Christmas.

How being with others will vary each Christmas as needs change due to factors such as new relationships, divorce and separation, illnesses, work commitments, and capacity.

Beyond your immediate circle of friends and family, there are several ways to connect with the broader community. These can include:

• Participating in Christmas Carols.
• Attending church services.
• Contributing to food drives.
• Attending Christmas festival.s
• Buying from local markets.
• Participating in neighbourhood get-togethers.

Or on a smaller scale:

• Making and/or writing Christmas Cards (one of my favourites).
• Giving homemade Christmas gifts to neighbours (I also really like doing this).
• Simply saying Merry Christmas.

Instead of the stress of juggling too many commitments at Christmas, other's find themselves feeling alone. If you’re by yourself at Christmas, there are other options to achieve this sense of connection and reduce loneliness.

Christmas demands can challenge your existing self-care routines, whilst also providing some unique opportunities for enhancement. All the stressors outlined earlier can undermine existing self-care routines, especially if they are newly established. And Christmas also effects the routine and habits of others around you.  You may find you're down a walking buddy, that Christmas treats are suddenly in your eyeline everytime you go shopping, that your loved ones are feeling broke or isolated. It's a shifting milieu.

This is where fierce self-care becomes important, especially if you are prone to Christmas stress and anxiety. Self-care is so much more than bubble baths and treating yourself. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's an act of self-love.  It encompasses everything you do to maintain and enhance your ability to function well in your day-to-day life and these actions are often talked about as healthy habits. Here's a quick overview of the five foundations of self-care.

The five foundations of self-care:

• Physical self-care: taking care of your body.  This includes exercise/movement, nutrition/diet, sleep, and regular medical check ups.  
• Psychological self-care: taking care of your mind. This includes setting boundaries, cultivating healthy thinking, managing stress, challenging yourself, learning new things.  
• Emotional self-care: managing your feelings.  This includes awareness and acceptance of emotions, resilience, finding joy, respecting and accepting self, 
• Connection: developing relationships with family, friends, others and community that minimise loneliness.  Connecting with nature and the transcendent world.   
• Meaning: finding the meaning in your life and reflecting your values in your actions.​

​Three questions to ask yourself repeatedly over Christmas
1. Is this what I need most? To avoid Christmas burnout, check in with your needs before saying yes. Does that social engagement provide connection opportunities that you are needing?  Or do you have enough and need a break? 
2. Will this help fill my self-care bucket or poke another hole in it? Running it past the five foundations list is a good rule of thumb.  Even better if it's an activity that ticks more than one of the five foundations.  Walking is great for this.   
3. Is this something I know helps me? Remind yourself of the benefits of your normal routine, of your why.  Prioritise the things you know work: keep walking, eating your veggies, journalling, meditating, talking with friends, doing your yoga, etc.

Opportunities to cultivate awe through mindfulness
Lean into mindfulness, which just happens to be one of the most powerful forms of self-care and takes very little time, because it is about the how of what you do, not the what. Mindfulness practices heighten your senses, and intensity your experiences, and are a gateway to awe. At Christmas mindful opportunities abound, including:

• Thinking about the stories behind the Christmas decorations as you dress the tree or your house
• Using cloth to wrap your gift and noticing the textures
• Thinking about the recipient as you wrap your gift
• Listening to carols and focusing on just one instrument
• Listening to your loved ones needs
• Putting your phone away and being fully present at the Christmas Performance
• Including everyone on creating a family Spotified Christmas list
• and many more...

A quick reminder in any situation is to use your senses to bring you back to the moment of what is actually happening.  

How simplifying, reducing expectations and prioritising activities; practicing connection and engaging in fierce self-care work together to help you make a simply awesome Christmas.

• Deliberately and intentionally reflecting on your needs.  This reinforces understanding and respect of self.
• Choosing your Christmas priority.  This taps into the self-care foundation of living your life's meaning, protects your energy and reduce decision making.
• Saying no and setting boundaries reduces the cognitive stress of incongruence and overwhelm and is a form of cognitive self-care.. 
• Christmas is a time when reaching out to others, even those you don't know that well, is encouraged. Saying Merry Christmas, smiling, waving, and engaging in microconnections of strangers is accepted and welcomed. What a wonderful way to boost your sense of belonging. 
• Practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and self-compassion. These are all facets of emotional self-care.
• Organising to catch up with others at a park, the beach or going for a walk.  (Walking ticks off all the self-care boxes!) can reduce costs, whilst helping you sleep, provide connection with nature and make it easy to practice mindfulness.

By reducing demands and expectations, looking after yourself, taking the time to reflect, and mindfully being present, you are well on your way to creating an awesome Christmas that works for you and your family. Along the way you may face some difficult challenges in letting things go, saying no, setting boundaries, maintaining self-care, and getting through the season.

​If you would like support with any of this I am happy to help. Positive Young Minds is open up until the 22nd of December and then closed for Christmas Week.

​For over 17 years, I have combined research and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents to help them understand and manage big emotions and create calmer homes.  Homes where big feelings are understood, needs are met so that Christmas can be celebrated, not dreaded.

You are welcome to book an appointment to discuss your concerns and your goals and work with me to make the change you are looking for.

Chat soon

​Kim 

PS. If you enjoyed this blog, then come over and join the Sprinkles of Wisdom for Wonderful Women Newsletter Club. You'll receive regular letters from me where I share insights, inspiration, reflections, support and do-able strategies on how you can create and integrate more calm, connection and confidence into your life without running away to Bali.

A reminder this blog is for general information and advice only. It is not designed to replace therapy in any way. For some people Christmas is not just stressful, it is also traumatic. The above advice is not meant to address Christmas trauma. If you are experiencing trauma, overwhelming Christmas anxiety, depression, or any other mental health concern please see your GP, or your mental health therapist, or see if you think I may be a good fit for you .

Are family meal times a bit of a nightmare?  I can be just one more thing to add to the list of things you 'should' be doing.
 
Yes, creating a mealtime ritual is one way to help a family bond and bank some family social capital.  
 
But like many things it sounds simple but can prove challenging.  How does your mealtime look?  Depending on the ages and stages of your family I am guessing dinner may be anywhere between 5pm and 8pm (or even later) and may be done in split shifts.  One of my biggest challenges is that I tend to spread everything over the dining table throughout the day……  And then it's deciding what to cook that most people will eat....
 
Here are 10 things that may help you create a more positive family meal time.  Take what suits you and your family and leave the rest.

1. Clear and set the table.  Maybe even a candle, a floor, good crockery and cutlery (because seriously what are you saving it for?)
2. Everyone who is home to come and sit at the table. The YouTube live video, homework, group chat, etc can wait.
3. Make the dining room table device free.  Maybe having some background music or a show on (but not the news (or program where there may be breaking news) in the background which gives the family something to talk about or focus on instead of each other.
4. Serve something fresh, that looks (actually is) a vegetable, to remind us that all our food originally comes from the ground and nature.
5. Take a few deep breaths before sitting down, and if your children are still at the age where they think whatever you say is wonderful, encourage them to take a few breaths when they sit down at the table as well.
6. Give thanks for the food, for the ones who prepared it, harvested it, toiled the earth to give you nourishment.
7. Eat mindfully.  Savour, taste, smell, experience the food, enjoy.
8. Those who are the table give thanks for something that happened today.  It’s ok to start sharing something crappy if that reflects the day, but follow it up with something to be grateful for.  Gratitude is intertwined with happiness.
9. Everyone help clear and do the dishes (but if you want the one/s who prepared the meal to have an extra rest, that’s OK too).
10. Rest afterwards.  Take a moment after eating before rushing back to that YouTube live, homework, group chat, etc…

 
This is practical mindfulness.  Remember,  you don’t need to do it all.  

Choose one and see how it goes.  

Chat soon

Kim
​

This week I practiced my strength of bravery and took on board the challenge of posting 5 vlogs in 5 days. I chose the theme of communicating with your children, and particularly teens, as this is a challenging area for many families. Mine included!  

​Now, these vlogs aren't perfect (as it is the first time I have done this). However, I have had feedback that the content is useful. They explore why we communicate with our children, whether our communication is parent or child centered, how we can set the scene for communication by making ourselves available, layering a conversation and how to respond when your teenager actually does talk to you!

I have posted a link to one of the videos below.  You can find the five of them at 
bit.ly/2vO8Iai.

I would love if you commented on what you found useful, and what else you would like me to vlog on.

Positive Young Minds will also be running practical workshops where the ideas in the videos will be expanded on and you have the opportunity to practice some mindful communication skills.  If you are interested drop me an email at youngminds.psychology@gmail.com.

Family connectedness starts with you.  You can be the calm one in the house.

Stop wishing for the perfect life, the perfect children, and perfect home.  If you find your inner voice saying things that include words like 'should' and 'it's not fair', 'if only' this is an indication that you are experiencing distorted thinking.  Distorted thinking is one of the underlying causes of depression.  If you are having these types of thoughts, chances are you are not feeling very happy.  If you are not feeling happy and positive, it is unlikely your family is happy either.

Start with where you are.  One way to move forward is to practice ABOLD approach.

A:  Awareness.  Notice the thoughts you are having e.g.. 'I wish my child would just do as they are told'.

B:  Breathe.  Take 3 deep breaths.

O:  Own your thought or feeling.  'Isn't that interesting.  I'm having the thought again that I wish my child would just do as they are told'.

L:  Let it go.  You are not your thought.  Often just acknowledging your thought will create a sense of release.  Otherwise there are a range of techniques you can practice.  The following are just a couple of suggestions.  Imagine putting that thought into an envelope and posting it or shaping into a balloon and releasing it.  Or imagine the thought in big letters and then shrinking it down so it fits in the palm of your hand. 

D: Do something.  Ground yourself in the here and now.  Sip water, wriggle your toes, hug your child, go for a walk.  Reclaim yourself and the situation for how it actually is.

Having worked with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents for over 17 years, Positive Young Minds offers private consultations where you can talk about your parenting challenges and your own self-care needs.  

Together creating calm, connection and confidence.

I have spoken a number of times about being BOLD and taking on new challenges.  Well, this week we had a new addition to our family.  Depending on the family member I can see Neil bringing out different strengths in all of us, including zest, teamwork, love of learning, perspective.  curiosity and appreciation of beauty and excellence.

His name is Neil and he is a guide dog.  We have taken on raising him for about the next 12 months before he is handed over (after a bit more intensive training) to his new owner.  

It is interesting to observe the comments and behaviours of my other family members.  I have heard the sentence, "if this is what it's like to have kids, I don't want any" a couple of times.  Sounds like this child may be developing a bit of perspective.

As a 'new mum' I have woken up in the middle of the night thinking - 'I have heard the dog.  I wonder if he's OK'.  Then I remember he is a dog and not a newborn I need to feed, change, console.  However, there is a similarity with the doubts about whether I am doing the right thing, and the different bits of advice you get from everyone.  Also the constant knowledge that even when he is asleep I need to be alert to his next needs.  

As puppy raisers we have someone on the end of the line we can call, we have a manual and there are scheduled training sessions, there is a puppy raiser Facebook page.  There are also five of us in the family to share the responsibility.  I can't help compare this with the limited support I had when bringing home my first baby (thank you to those who were there for me at the time - it was super appreciated).  I wasn't even part of Facebook then!

Having at least one person to support you is so important for your mental health.  It's one of the reasons Positive Young Minds exists, to be a friendly, accessible form of support.  Don't hesitate to contact me at youngminds.psychology@gmail.com if you would like to connect.

Do your children like each?  How do you feel when they fight and argue?  As a mother I feel it is important that when my children grow up they will be there for each other.  That when one is stuck or upset they can pick up the phone or whatever is the most appropriate form of communication in 10+ years time, and know the person on the other end will be there for them.  Or when they have wonderful news they do the same.  That when they have something to celebrate they can do so with each other.  That together they have a supportive community.  Because if they can’t do this, why do we create families?
 
Wow, this a lot of expectation to put on children who are still growing up and developing their communication and interaction skills. 

 When I stop and look at my thinking behind these expectations I can hear thoughts like “My children should get on.”  If they don’t get on now, they will not have anything to do with each other in the future”.   “I am a terrible mother (and psychologist) because I can’t make my children like each other”.


Does thinking like this make me feel good?  Does it support me in my goal of creating the best family I can?  No, of course not.  These are examples of distorted/unhelpful thinking.  If I keep thinking like this I’m going to lose my optimism and hope. 
There are many types of distorted thinking..  Noticing them may not change the fact that my children are arguing, but it gives me space to take a breath and make some decisions about how I want to react (or not react to the situation).  This will vary depending on the age of the siblings, the issue, location, history, individual temperament, parenting philosophy etc.  As a parent when you are able to notice and pause it gives you a chance to tap into your own parenting wisdom.