Are family meal times a bit of a nightmare?  I can be just one more thing to add to the list of things you 'should' be doing.
 
Yes, creating a mealtime ritual is one way to help a family bond and bank some family social capital.  
 
But like many things it sounds simple but can prove challenging.  How does your mealtime look?  Depending on the ages and stages of your family I am guessing dinner may be anywhere between 5pm and 8pm (or even later) and may be done in split shifts.  One of my biggest challenges is that I tend to spread everything over the dining table throughout the day……  And then it's deciding what to cook that most people will eat....
 
Here are 10 things that may help you create a more positive family meal time.  Take what suits you and your family and leave the rest.

1. Clear and set the table.  Maybe even a candle, a floor, good crockery and cutlery (because seriously what are you saving it for?)
2. Everyone who is home to come and sit at the table. The YouTube live video, homework, group chat, etc can wait.
3. Make the dining room table device free.  Maybe having some background music or a show on (but not the news (or program where there may be breaking news) in the background which gives the family something to talk about or focus on instead of each other.
4. Serve something fresh, that looks (actually is) a vegetable, to remind us that all our food originally comes from the ground and nature.
5. Take a few deep breaths before sitting down, and if your children are still at the age where they think whatever you say is wonderful, encourage them to take a few breaths when they sit down at the table as well.
6. Give thanks for the food, for the ones who prepared it, harvested it, toiled the earth to give you nourishment.
7. Eat mindfully.  Savour, taste, smell, experience the food, enjoy.
8. Those who are the table give thanks for something that happened today.  It’s ok to start sharing something crappy if that reflects the day, but follow it up with something to be grateful for.  Gratitude is intertwined with happiness.
9. Everyone help clear and do the dishes (but if you want the one/s who prepared the meal to have an extra rest, that’s OK too).
10. Rest afterwards.  Take a moment after eating before rushing back to that YouTube live, homework, group chat, etc…

 
This is practical mindfulness.  Remember,  you don’t need to do it all.  

Choose one and see how it goes.  

Chat soon

Kim
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This week I practiced my strength of bravery and took on board the challenge of posting 5 vlogs in 5 days. I chose the theme of communicating with your children, and particularly teens, as this is a challenging area for many families. Mine included!  

​Now, these vlogs aren't perfect (as it is the first time I have done this). However, I have had feedback that the content is useful. They explore why we communicate with our children, whether our communication is parent or child centered, how we can set the scene for communication by making ourselves available, layering a conversation and how to respond when your teenager actually does talk to you!

I have posted a link to one of the videos below.  You can find the five of them at 
bit.ly/2vO8Iai.

I would love if you commented on what you found useful, and what else you would like me to vlog on.

Positive Young Minds will also be running practical workshops where the ideas in the videos will be expanded on and you have the opportunity to practice some mindful communication skills.  If you are interested drop me an email at [email protected].

Family connectedness starts with you.  You can be the calm one in the house.

Stop wishing for the perfect life, the perfect children, and perfect home.  If you find your inner voice saying things that include words like 'should' and 'it's not fair', 'if only' this is an indication that you are experiencing distorted thinking.  Distorted thinking is one of the underlying causes of depression.  If you are having these types of thoughts, chances are you are not feeling very happy.  If you are not feeling happy and positive, it is unlikely your family is happy either.

Start with where you are.  One way to move forward is to practice ABOLD approach.

A:  Awareness.  Notice the thoughts you are having e.g.. 'I wish my child would just do as they are told'.

B:  Breathe.  Take 3 deep breaths.

O:  Own your thought or feeling.  'Isn't that interesting.  I'm having the thought again that I wish my child would just do as they are told'.

L:  Let it go.  You are not your thought.  Often just acknowledging your thought will create a sense of release.  Otherwise there are a range of techniques you can practice.  The following are just a couple of suggestions.  Imagine putting that thought into an envelope and posting it or shaping into a balloon and releasing it.  Or imagine the thought in big letters and then shrinking it down so it fits in the palm of your hand. 

D: Do something.  Ground yourself in the here and now.  Sip water, wriggle your toes, hug your child, go for a walk.  Reclaim yourself and the situation for how it actually is.

Having worked with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents for over 17 years, Positive Young Minds offers private consultations where you can talk about your parenting challenges and your own self-care needs.  

Together creating calm, connection and confidence.

I have spoken a number of times about being BOLD and taking on new challenges.  Well, this week we had a new addition to our family.  Depending on the family member I can see Neil bringing out different strengths in all of us, including zest, teamwork, love of learning, perspective.  curiosity and appreciation of beauty and excellence.

His name is Neil and he is a guide dog.  We have taken on raising him for about the next 12 months before he is handed over (after a bit more intensive training) to his new owner.  

It is interesting to observe the comments and behaviours of my other family members.  I have heard the sentence, "if this is what it's like to have kids, I don't want any" a couple of times.  Sounds like this child may be developing a bit of perspective.

As a 'new mum' I have woken up in the middle of the night thinking - 'I have heard the dog.  I wonder if he's OK'.  Then I remember he is a dog and not a newborn I need to feed, change, console.  However, there is a similarity with the doubts about whether I am doing the right thing, and the different bits of advice you get from everyone.  Also the constant knowledge that even when he is asleep I need to be alert to his next needs.  

As puppy raisers we have someone on the end of the line we can call, we have a manual and there are scheduled training sessions, there is a puppy raiser Facebook page.  There are also five of us in the family to share the responsibility.  I can't help compare this with the limited support I had when bringing home my first baby (thank you to those who were there for me at the time - it was super appreciated).  I wasn't even part of Facebook then!

Having at least one person to support you is so important for your mental health.  It's one of the reasons Positive Young Minds exists, to be a friendly, accessible form of support.  Don't hesitate to contact me at [email protected] if you would like to connect.

Do your children like each?  How do you feel when they fight and argue?  As a mother I feel it is important that when my children grow up they will be there for each other.  That when one is stuck or upset they can pick up the phone or whatever is the most appropriate form of communication in 10+ years time, and know the person on the other end will be there for them.  Or when they have wonderful news they do the same.  That when they have something to celebrate they can do so with each other.  That together they have a supportive community.  Because if they can’t do this, why do we create families?
 
Wow, this a lot of expectation to put on children who are still growing up and developing their communication and interaction skills. 

 When I stop and look at my thinking behind these expectations I can hear thoughts like “My children should get on.”  If they don’t get on now, they will not have anything to do with each other in the future”.   “I am a terrible mother (and psychologist) because I can’t make my children like each other”.


Does thinking like this make me feel good?  Does it support me in my goal of creating the best family I can?  No, of course not.  These are examples of distorted/unhelpful thinking.  If I keep thinking like this I’m going to lose my optimism and hope. 
There are many types of distorted thinking..  Noticing them may not change the fact that my children are arguing, but it gives me space to take a breath and make some decisions about how I want to react (or not react to the situation).  This will vary depending on the age of the siblings, the issue, location, history, individual temperament, parenting philosophy etc.  As a parent when you are able to notice and pause it gives you a chance to tap into your own parenting wisdom.