Do you find buying Christmas presents stressful?  if you do, you are not alone!  

Whether it's buying gifts for adults, friends, relatives, work colleagues or your own children the list can seem never ending.  It's one of the many heavy expectations you can feel at Christmas time.  Below are 14 tips to help you tame that anxiety around Christmas gift shopping and reduce the stress associated with Christmas. 

The two key things to keep in mind when buying Christmas gifts:
🌟 It is experiences that contribute to our happiness. Not stuff! 
🌟The simplest way of making gifts easier is to reduce the number of gifts you buy, and the number of people you give gifts too.  
 
General Tips to reduce Christmas Present Stress

1. Make a list of everyone you feel you should buy for.
2.  Have a look at the list. Why do you feel you need to buy for this person? If it is a coach, a teacher or someone you want to thank, thank them! Either yourself or your child can thank them. Depending on the age of your child they could make a drawing or write them a letter, or write inside a home-made Christmas card. This will be something they treasure.
3. Have another look at your list. How many of the people left on the list to do you buy obligation presents for, and how many are people who are never pleased with what you buy them? Don’t turn yourself inside out trying to please them. Either strike them off your list, give them a pig (goat, chicken, fresh water) from an aid organisation such as World Vision, or buy them something inherently practical. Have a look at this website for ideas https://hereandtheremakers.com. (I can personally vouch for the produce bags.)
4. Who is left on your list? Can you remove them?
5. Can you do a Kris Kringle? There are lots of variations on this *
6. Buy everyone the same thing.  Think a beach towel, movie tickets, itune voucher
7. Remember think reduce. No-one needs more clutter and very few of us need more stuff. 
8. What experience can you give? E.g. A baby sitting voucher, movie tickets, bowling games, a cooking class, bicycle or car maintenance? 
9. Is there something you can make? E.g. Homemade granola, a pot of lavender, a mini herb garden, a chopping board. 
10. Buy from local craft markets.  
11. Buy consumables.  Homemade sauces, jams, theatre tickets etc.
12. Stick to a budget.
13. Keep the receipt.
14. Do you have friends who would be open to putting a challenge on the gift that it has to be second hand, either something you already own or bought from a charity or second hand shop?

*What is a Kris Kringle
A Kris Kringle is when each person buys a gift for just one person in a group, hence reducing excess and cost.  There are many variations.  Names can be drawn and allocated (Secret Santa) or it can be pot luck – everyone brings a gift.  If it is pot luck , here are three variations of how to distribute the gifts.

1. Put the gifts in a row.  If there are 10 gifts write the numbers 1 to 10 on pieces of paper and put them in a hat/bowl.  Everyone draws a number.  People then take turns to choose a gift depending on the number they received in the draw.  So if you drew number one, you go first.
2. The person whose turn it is has a choice of choosing a wrapped gift or taking an already opened gift from someone (pays to go last in this variation!).  ps I would only recommend this option if people are going to have fun with it, and not be upset when someone takes ‘their’ gift.  Christmas Day is not really the day to lecture people about resilience.
3. Put a number on the gift and match it up with the number drawn from the hat.

How to reduce stress when selecting children's gifts
Stress around buying children's gifts comes from a range of sources - wanting to make Christmas special; being presented with a long list of items from your children; you children not knowing what they want; your children having too much stuff (read previous email about a pre-Christmas cull); not having the money to buy what you would like; trying to make up for Christmas' where you have felt disappointed; trying to make Christmas make up for the stressful year you might have had....COVID anyone???

Or maybe you really dislike making decisions and your thinking might go something like mine does on occasion -  This is me looking at underwear - "how much cotton is in this?", "is it organic and/or sustainable cotton", "how much is it?"  "what size are they?", "what style would they like best?"  "what colour /pattern will they like?"  "do they really need them?", "if I buy them this, does that mean I need to buy the others underwear as well?", "do the others need underwear?", "but I only recently bought underwear".  Maybe I won't buy underwear, and then I leave the shop....  

To reduce stress around buying your children gifts start by:

• Identifying where your stress is coming from
• Check your expectations against reality, 
• Create some guidelines for yourself.  Think budget, number of gifts, type of gifts.  The budget is entirely up to you, but remember younger children don't care how much you spend, and older children are nearly always going to put things on the list you can't afford.  
• Remember the law of diminishing satisfaction.  The first present your children unwrap will usually give them the greatest joy. ​
• Introduce a giving practice for your children.  Eg donating a toy, or good, making a card for a neighbour.

What to buy

1. What does your child need? Very young children do not really need much at all, and if you set the tradition early that Christmas is not about how much you get, but about what you do, it won’t be such a big deal as they get older.  And don't be scared to hold gifts back, if you look at what you have bought and it looks too much.
2. Think natural and classic.  Did you know the latest classic toy introduced to the Strong National Museum of Play ....sand.  My kids loved their sand pit when they were little.   Other classic toys include sticks, balls, blankets and playing cards. 
3. Don’t buy something electronic, or if you do, don’t make it the biggest gift.  Why?  You don’t want to be the parent when the gift doesn’t work, and have to line up in JB-HiFi to replace it on Boxing Day, only to be told that they are out of stock.  I've been behind that woman, and it's not a happy moment.
4. If you are buying something with batteries, provide rechargeable batteries as part of the gift, and if possible try to test it beforehand.
5. So what do you do with all the ads on tv and the demands for the latest and greatest? Set the limit, say that Santa/or mum and dad brings three things per child – E.g. a game, a toy/sporting equipment, a book. And stick to it! You may choose to do a stocking with some practical things such as undies, socks, hankies, soaps etc

🌟 Remember the law of diminishing satisfaction.  

The first present your children unwrap will usually give them the greatest joy.  

Of course, gifts are not the only potential stress at Christmas, maybe the Christmas Tree presents a dilemma for you.  I've got that covered as well - with Three Tips to Reduce Christmas Decoration Stress.

Chat soon


Kim
Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds

ps This year I am having a break from the 17th December to the 11th January.  If Christmas is causing you stress, book a time now for some support.  There are limited spots available.    

*updated 6th December 2021

As part of the 12 gifts of Christmas series, I asked someone what gift they wanted to give themselves, they said gratitude sounded boring.  
 
So what would you give yourself?
 
They didn’t hesitate – self-confidence.
 
So that is today’s gift we give to you.
 
The gift of believing in yourself and allowing yourself to do what is important to you.
 
Christmas can be a huge time of self-doubt and events that seem to conspire to delete our self-confidence.  Personally when I see people go out to fun work events, or doing wonderful things with their family I can hear this nagging voice that says “see that, why aren’t you doing that?  Why don’t you have the ability to make things that like that happen”.  

Maybe you are estranged from your family, too ill to create anything special at Christmas, don’t have work and struggle to find money to pay for gifts, are single and despair of finding a partner, or even more simply can’t make a gingerbread house to save your life.  

​Maybe you are lacking the confidence to have the Christmas you want to have, not what is expected from you.

Or it can be that when we catch up with certain family members of old 'friends' memories of our past mistakes and failures are brought up.
 
Christmas can magnify the areas in our life where we lack confidence. 

Self-confidence and comparison
Most young children believe the world revolves around them and of course whatever they do is wonderful – just think kindergarten drawings, first steps, made up stories.  
 
Then you hit school and the comparisons of your abilities, your achievements, your looks, your background, your clothes, begin – and they never stop.  And at Christmas we are never short of comparisons with what other people are doing (even if we know that what we see on social media is not the total picture).
 
When you practice a new skill, when you build up the knowledge over time that there are some things you actually do well, your confidence grows. When you receive feedback on your abilities, your looks, your achievements, or on other things that are important to you, your confidence grows.
 
But what if it doesn’t, or how do you build self-confidence? ​

​At Christmas a lot of old hurts can show up. You may be catching up with people you only see infrequently, and so whilst you have been able to practice avoidance throughout the year, all of a sudden that is no longer possible.  
 
​At Christmas a lot of old hurts can show up. 

You may be catching up with people who have hurt you in the past, and whilst you have been able to practice avoiding them throughout the year, all of a sudden that is no longer possible.  And then amongst other expectations at Christmas is that you ‘play nice’ on the day.
 
Or you may be faced with reminders of fractured relationships with people who are living, but are no longer in your life, and whom you are feeling anger, blame or other negative emotions towards.  For example ex-partners, old friends, estranged children, the list can be long.  The commonality is dwelling on things that might have been, that shouldn't have been, the unfairness, the hurt. 

Or let's face it, you might be cross with your children, your siblings, your parents for things that have  happened over the years.  

Hurts are not always huge, little hurts add up.  And they can easily detract from creating a calm Christmas.

So what is forgiveness?  Do you do it once and only when the person involved has apologised and promised not to do it again? Do you forgive someone as many times as it takes? Over and over?  

Can you forgive someone who doesn’t want to be forgiven? Is forgiveness an act of self-care, of grace, or an act of rebuilding a friendship or relationship?  Or perhaps it can be any of these and all of these.

As a parent sometimes I am practicing forgiveness on an almost ongoing basis!  

And each day begins anew.

​Dwelling on the mistakes of myself, and my children, would only get in the way of relationship building.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process of letting go of the hurts and the disappointments that come with human imperfection.  

And this comes more easily to some people.  

And it is easier to forgive some people than others.

Forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, an action.  It involves moving from a space of blame to a space of release.  

​My question to you is, do you want to put the burden down?  
 
Forgiveness is an act you do for yourself.  It does not mean you agree with what someone did, it does not mean you agree with whatever you did.  It does mean you are choosing to release the blame, anger, resentment, and hurt.  There are five  steps you can practice towards this.

Five steps to forgiveness

1. Acknowledge that being human means being imperfect and making mistakes.
2. Notice your language around the act that needs forgiveness. What is the message you are telling yourself?  “I can’t believe this?, “they should apologise”, “how could they do that”, “I’ll never forgive them”, “they must hate me to do that”, “why did I do that?”.  
3. Practice saying “I notice, I am feeling hurt”, “I notice, I am thinking that what they did to me was horrid”.  Notice how your body feels when you are say this.
4. Write yourself an statement of belief.  
5. Now this is not an airy fairy everything is OK with the world statement, and this is not the time to quickly forgive someone for serious actions such as trauma or abuse.  Create a statement such as “Forgiving .......... allows me to move forward”, “I notice my feelings of hurt and I choose to forgive”.  Please, please notice that these statements do not say “I am not hurt anymore”. They are a realistic, life affirming statement.
6. REPEAT

Congratulations on taking the step to start this often difficult work.  Of course there is so much more, including forgiveness of yourself - also encompassed under self-compassion, and what constitutes an apology - such an interesting.  But making a start to embrace the understanding that 'to err is (definitely) human is a positive step.  

Until next time, take care of yourself


​Chat soon

Kim 

ps If you would like to get more tips and strategies about increasing confidence, calm and connection in your life you are welcome to join the Creating Calm email community to have them delivered direct to your inbox

If you feel inspired, peaceful, in awe that's fantastic.  

However, if you are feeling jealous, despairing or annoyed, that's just as valid.  We are constantly sold on the magic of Christmas with beautiful perfect images.  You and I both know that that is not how real people live!  And you can turn yourself inside out with trying to match this.  

I have been through the whole putting up the tree journey.

For many years the children fought over who would put the star on the top and took it in turn each years, often accompanied by tears. They took great pride taking the decorations out and placing them on the tree. I used to be a little concerned with how 'bizarre' everything looked and secretly moved some decorations around after they finished.

Now? Well I was out for an hour, came back and the tree was up. No star. I asked where the star was. My youngest found it and put it on the tree... Just like that.... I actually kind of miss the fight, it reflects how important it was for them.

Here are three tips that you may find useful at reducing decoration perfectionism.

I discussed in an earlier post that the number one way to reduce Christmas stress was to ask yourself and your family what was the one thing they looked forward to and enjoyed about Christmas.  to to remind yourself of what you ad

Tip no 1. My first tip on reducing decoration perfectionism is to remind yourself of what you and your family love about Christmas.
Tip no 2. Look at how what you are thinking about your Christmas decorations.  Is your thinking realistic?  If your thinking revolves around comparison with others, wishful thinking and a sense of not being good enough.... take a step back.  Is it more important to put the decorations on the tree that your child has made at kindergarten or for the baubles too match?
Tip no 3.  Check whether you and your children are enjoying the decorations and tree.  If not, it's time for a rethink.  What is most important to you about Christmas.  Is it how great the tree is?  If that is actually really important to you, maybe you could have two trees - one for you and one for the children.  If it's not actually that important, release the thoughts and the feelings so they no longer are hijacking your Christmas!

Bonus tip If you are not enjoying your decorations, and/or have too much, think about those that are the most important to you and your family and give the others away. Too much clutter - even if it's Christmas clutter - can be overwhelming.

So, if you find yourself being swept away by the need for perfection, judging your decorations and lack of colour coordination and thinking you don't have enough time to do it right. Check your thinking!  Don't let unrealistic expectations hijack your Christmas spirit.

Until next time, take care of yourself

Kim xx

ps If you'd like to receive tips and strategies about increasing calm, confidence and connection all year round, you are warmly invited to join the Positive Young Minds community and have them delivered direct to your inbox.

Do you love Christmas but it stresses you out?  Would you like Christmas to be easier?  

What makes Christmas stressful?  It's the same thing that can make the rest of your life stressful!  Expectations.

Carrying around the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have to’ of Christmas is exhausting, stressful and can cause anxiety.  There are ways to manage this, particularly using mindful awareness and self-compassion and create some Christmas calm.
 
Let us take a closer look.  

Expectations at Christmas
What things do you have to do at Christmas?  Visit both sides of the family on Christmas Day?  To be in more than one place on the day, even though your children just want to stay home with their toys?  To be bright and cheerful, even when  you've stayed up past midnight waiting for your children to go to sleep so Santa can come?  To appreciate whatever gifts you are given, even if it's an iron?  Or are you expected to bite your tongue when Uncle Jack has too much drink and the nastier side comes out?  Maybe your budget doesn't stretch to the presents on your children's wish lists.....

Whether you are turning yourself inside out to have things perfect for everyone, provide presents you can't really afford, or spending time with people you would rather not, the expectations at Christmas can really weigh you down. 

What are expectations?  And why do they have such a strong hold on you?
Expectations are one way society and families encourage behaviour and growth for the good of your development as a child and teenager, and that of the community.  The broad aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society.  Expectations are guidelines, written and unwritten rules about behaviour.   For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months and be talking before starting kindergarten.  You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. You are expected to obey the law, be a good neighbour, a good friend. 

Then there are individual family differences based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc.  For example in some cultures girls are expected to be married young, and not pursue further education. 
 
As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood.  
 
In adulthood, on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, and maybe your children.  It can be overwhelming.

What can you do to make this Christmas easier, this Christmas calmer?
First, step back.  Give yourself the opportunity to respond, rather than to react.

What happens when you simply observe and notice all the expectations and it feels to have them?  

Look at them again.  Where have they come from?  Are they necessary, important, do they add to your life?
 
Stepping back gives you the space to see what expectations are serving you, and which have no meaning for you.

Seeing this you the space to choose to let go of expectations that are no longer helpful.
 
Making your own choices.
You can choose to participate in activities leading up to Christmas that you value. That bring joy to your heart and that of your family.  You can choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness.  You don’t need to be religious to tap into the good will that exists at this time of the year, where most people are actually actively trying to make other people happy.  
 
Two simple things you can do to create a calmer Christmas are to Let go of finding the perfect gift and remind yourself of what you and your family actually really like about Christmas - and do that.

There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make.  We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable.  

​I think that is one reason why treading your own path at Christmas, in line with your values and not others expectations, is so difficult, but for you, it might be the path to your Christmas calm..  

Chat soon

Kim 

ps To receive tips and strategies about increasing calm, confidence and connection all year round, you are warmly invited to join the Positive Young Minds Essential Self-Care mailing list and have them delivered direct to your inbox.

Updated December 2021

 How do you show love in every day life?  How do you show love at Christmas time?.  At Christmas we can rush around wanting to show our love for our family and friends.  However, this time of the year which combines Christmas time with endings, beginnings and transitions that occur at the end of the year, can often be a stressful time among families.  We often find our frustration tolerance low and and our ability to show our love through kindness and patience can be tested.

There are a number of ways you can create Christmas Calm in  your house.  The following is a reminder to keep our eyes on what is important at Christmas.

1 Corinthians 13 is often used in wedding ceremonies as it is a wonderful illustration of love. The link below will take you to a paralled text of 1 Corinthians 13 that reminds us of the meaning of Christmas: www.appleseeds.org/1_Cor_13_Xmas.htm

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,
but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals
and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing..

Are you looking for easy ways to connect with other people at Christmas?  

Feeling connected is important for your mental health, with strong links between loneliness and depression; social connectedness and feeling happier.  But where do you start?  Changing your mindset around loneliness is an important part of feeling more connected, but gift giving provides you with a unique opportunity to reach out to others in a practical and tangible way.  
​
It's wonderful to be able to choose gifts that reduce Christmas stress, but here's one way you can look beyond traditional gift giving and strengthen your connections.