Connection through forgiveness. Five steps to forgiveness at Christmas.

​At Christmas a lot of old hurts can show up. 

You may be catching up with people who have hurt you in the past, and whilst you have been able to practice avoiding them throughout the year, all of a sudden that is no longer possible.  And then amongst other expectations at Christmas is that you ‘play nice’ on the day.
 
Or you may be faced with reminders of fractured relationships with people who are living, but are no longer in your life.  These reminders can stir up feelings of anger, blame or other negative emotions.  For example ex-partners, old friends, estranged children, the list can be long.  The commonality is dwelling on things that might have been, that shouldn't have been, the unfairness, the hurt. 

Or let's face it, you might be cross with your children, your siblings, your parents for things that have  happened over the years.  

Hurts are not always huge, little hurts add up.  And they can easily detract from creating a calm Christmas.

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Forgiveness is an ongoing process of letting go of the hurts and the disappointments that come with human imperfection.  

So where does forgiveness fit in?  
​Dwelling on the mistakes of myself, and other people past and present, gets in the way of present day calm and relationships.  It lead to isolation and disconnection.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process of letting go of the hurts and the disappointments that come with human imperfection.  

And this comes more easily to some people.  

And it is easier to forgive some people than others.

How do you do forgiveness?

Do you do it once and only when the person involved has apologised and promised not to do it again? Do you forgive someone as many times as it takes? Over and over?  

Can you forgive someone who doesn’t want to be forgiven? Is forgiveness an act of self-care, of grace, or an act of rebuilding a friendship or relationship?  Or perhaps it can be any of these and all of these.

Little acts of forgiveness happens daily because as imperfect humans we make all make mistakes.  

And each day begins anew.

Bigger acts of forgiveness are harder.
​

Forgiveness is first and foremost a choice

Forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, an action.  It involves moving from a space of blame to a space of release.  

​My question to you is, do you want to put the burden down?  
 
Forgiveness is an act you do for yourself.  It does not mean you agree with what someone did, it does not mean you agree with whatever you did.  It does mean you are choosing to release the blame, anger, resentment, and hurt.  There are five  steps you can practice towards this.

Five steps to forgiveness

1. Acknowledge that being human means being imperfect and making mistakes.
2. Notice your language around the act that needs forgiveness. What is the message you are telling yourself?  “I can’t believe this?, “they should apologise”, “how could they do that”, “I’ll never forgive them”, “they must hate me to do that”, “why did I do that?”.  
3. Practice saying “I notice, I am feeling hurt”, “I notice, I am thinking that what they did to me was horrid”.  Notice how your body feels when you are say this.
4. Write yourself a statement of belief.  
5. Now this is not an airy fairy everything is OK with the world statement, and this is not the time to quickly forgive someone for serious actions such as trauma or abuse.  Create a statement such as “Forgiving .......... allows me to move forward”, “I notice my feelings of hurt and I choose to forgive”.  Please, please notice that these statements do not say “I am not hurt anymore”. They are realistic, life affirming statements.
6. REPEAT

Write yourself an statement of belief.  

Taking the step to start this often difficult work.  

Of course there is so much more, including forgiveness of yourself - also encompassed under self-compassion, and what constitutes an apology - such an interesting area.  But making a start to embrace the understanding that 'to err is (definitely) human' is a positive step.  


​Chat soon

Kim 
Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds

updated 20th October 2023