You want to look after yourself more, but seriously, who has the time (or energy) for that.
And really, what difference would it make anyway? I get it. When my children were young and didn't sleep very much self-care seemed like a luxury that I would get to , one day. I so wish I'd realised then, how incorporating little things that fitted what I was going through (no time, money or energy!) could make a difference. Did you know that every time you make a choice you lose something? It’s called opportunity cost. It’s unavoidable because you can’t be in two places at once, you can’t browse Facebook and get the dishes done, you can’t eat pizza and fish and chips and Chinese for dinner – you have to make a choice. And choosing to engage in self-care, or not….. …is no different. But first let’s take a brief detour and let me dispel a myth for you. Self-care is not all about pedicures, massages and pampering. Sure, whilst there’s no doubt that some people love this and it helps them rejuvenate themselves; it’s only one, small, aspect of self-care. Self-care is all about YOU looking after your physical and mental health. The action you take can be positive, practical and personalised. That’s the best type of self-care – finding out what you need and doing what works for you. Back to the opportunity cost of NOT prioritising self-care. Not being mindful (one of the key self-care tools) can lead to forgetfulness, missing non-verbal cues in conversations and harming connection, not being present for the best moments in the day, missing the everyday beauty around you. Not doing something that brings you joy can lead to resentment and sadness. Not practicing gratitude can lead to envy and jealousy. Not exercising can lead to depressed mood. Not reaching out to others when you are feeling lonely can lead to increased isolation and lack of connection.. Not practicing self-acceptance can lead to a feeling of not being worthy and not speaking up for yourself. Not going to the doctor can lead to undiagnosed and untreated physical illness. Not enforcing boundaries can lead to burnout and a deep sense of being taken for granted. So, in answer to the question that was posed at the start – what difference does engaging in self-care make anyway? Incorporating positive, practical, self-care strategies that reflect YOUR needs can make a world of difference to your health, your mood, your life. Now, just because it’s self-care, I really, really want to stress one thing. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. I am here to help you work out what you need, what strategies will work best for you and your circumstances, and to teach you positive, practical strategies that take very little time. Just to show you that these strategies don’t have to take long, here’s a simple one for you to try. Look up from reading this and find something that catches your eye and makes you smile. Allow yourself to focus on this feeling and the thoughts that go with it. Maybe it’s something your chid made, maybe you bought it for a special reason, or at a special place. Maybe it is just beautiful or was given to you by a special person. Then, if this thing is cluttered by other things, make space for it to shine by itself. That’s it. You have just practiced self-care. You have touched on emotional self-care, connection and meaning. You have also practiced using you Awe and appreciation of beauty muscle. If you feel inclined to send me a quick email, I would love to know how you went with this exercise. PODCAST UPDATE Ever shut up instead of standing up? Ever allowed others to shine whist dimming our own light. The world needs you to be at your best. I talk about this and what may be stopping you in the latest podcast. How to stand up instead of shutting up. What it takes to express your authentic self. Until next time, take care xx Kim
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Last year I wrote the below article. As our children go back to school this question is even more relevant. What plans do schools have to help children going back to school after this huge disruption to their lives? Are there adequate resources, support, and understanding?
The elephant in the room - what do we do with students with mental health difficulties? My mother was school teacher, and I grew up with a lot of respect for teachers who worked hard to understand and then educate their students. And I still believe that the vast majority of teachers have the best intentions, and just like our students, they do well if they can. Over the last 17 years as an independent child and adolescent psychologist I have witnessed school and teachers who do not know what to do when a student has acute and/or chronic mental health difficulties. When we look at understanding why a child is not learning well in the classroom it is not enough to look at cognitive abilities the emotional wellbeing of a student must be taken into account. In our school system there are both systemic gaps, knowledge gaps and understanding gaps. The World Health Organisation states that half of all mental health conditions start by 14 years of age and “most cases are undetected and untreated”. And “globally, depression is one of the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents” https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health. About 10-20% of adolescents experience mental health problems. In a classroom of 30 children that means 3-6 on average. In a school of 1200 that is 240 students. This is not an elephant that should be ignored and dealt with on an ad hoc basis. We may be increasing the number of counsellors and psychologists in schools, but is that helping? How far is it going? Do schools think that because a student has an appointment a session a week or a fortnight, or is seeing an outside psychologist that that is enough. I am asking these questions to school leaders, parents, teachers, mental health professionals. These are aimed at encouraging conversation. Possible answers and/or best practices to some of these topics will be addressed in future articles. For now consider the following. Knowledge and Understanding
Systemic
These and many other questions need to be answered. Let’s carry on the conversation. Whether you are a principal, a teacher, a parent or a school psychologist/counsellor/welfare worker – what is your school doing? Let’s share, what is working, what isn’t, where are the gaps in understanding, knowledge and systems. Updated 20/10/23 PODCASTS
As you may already know, podcasts are my go to at the moment. Whether it be catching up with the latest in psychology, business or self-development, I have a range I can choose from according to the move. Some are great for listening to in the car, some when I’m lying down resting, some for when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, and others when I’m really in the mood to learn something new. In fact, they are a perfect way for mums to learn. Some podcasts are short, some are longer, so you can pick and choose. Below is a list of my top 6 favourites at the moment, although they do change from time to time. Private Practice with Soul by Dr Brooklyn Storme. The Content 10x – Amy Woods Brand You Personal Branding – Mike Kim Marketing that Converts by Teresa Heath-Wareing Potential Psychology – Ellen Jackson Parental as Anything ABC radio. And a special shout out to two really new podcasts Phoenix Rising with Gallagher Psychology by Patricia Gallagher, and Course Creation Bites by Sam Winch And of course I love my own (because it would pretty terrible if I didn’t!) Creating Connections that Matter by Kim Dunn. Do you listen to podcasts? If you've listened to mine I would love to know what you think, and I am always interested in what you would like to hear more of, simply drop me a quick email. So, you'd like to stop feeling guilty.
If you're like me you are not short of examples where motherhood guilt popped up its head. As recently as last week I was at an all day event and about 11.30 I received a text from my youngest. It read 'Mum, where are you?' 😳😳 So, yes. I put my hand up for another vote towards the Worst Mother of the Year Award. Well, first the bad news about feeling guilty... You cant really stop it.... But.... You don't really want to. Guilt is an emotion, and like all emotions it has a purpose - it is giving you feedback and guidance on your life. It is important that you feel guilt. There are two question to ask yourself:
Have a look at these two examples.
Carrying around the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have to’ of being a mum is exhausting. It’s not called the ‘weight’ of expectations for nothing! Expectations are things we grow up with. They create boundaries and provide guidance. For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months otherwise this is a clear sign of a problem with development. You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. A lot of expectations are in keeping with how society and families encourage behaviour and growth for the good of your development and that of the community. The broad aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society. Then there are individual family differences based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc. As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood. Then you become an adult, and on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, AND THEN you have children! And, if that’s not enough you also have the thick layer of consumer ‘expectations’. In a world where economic growth is still valued above all else we seem to have really internalised the ‘greed is good’ doctrine in our society. You are encouraged to buy, to have more, to be good consumers. It is an insidious expectation. So, what happens when you step back, when you become the observer, when you listen to your noticing self and see the reality of your expectations? You can see the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ for what they really are; they aren’t rules by which you have to live by, they aren’t absolute truths, they are just thoughts your mind is holding on to (sometimes in a vice like grip!). By seeing this you can you can choose to let go of expectations that have no meaning or satisfaction for you. Knowing this you can choose. I don’t know the expectations you are carrying. I do know thought, that as a mother when I brought my first baby home I wanted nothing to mar his perfection. I wanted no harm to come to him, no heartbreak, no pain… But that is wishful thinking. No matter what you do as a mother you cannot protect your child from life. In regards to other expectations you have choices. You can choose to participate in activities that you value. That bring joy to your heart and that of your family. You can choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness. You can choose say NO and choose to say YES. You can choose to prioritise your self-care. There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make. We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable. And it can take a lot of courage to lose that weight and stride out on your own path. For when you stand as an adult in your authentic self, it can feel that you walk alone. Over time with greater confidence in your authentic self, the aloneness is replaced by a deeper connection with yourself, with others and with the natural world. For over 17 years, I have combined research and the experience of working with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents to help other women like you integrate mindfulness and prioritise self-care in their busy lives. You are invited to book an appointment to discuss your concerns and goals and I can support you to make the changes that matter to you. Chat soon Kim xx PS. If you enjoyed this blog, then come over and join the The Sprinkles of Wisdom for Wonderful Women Newsletter Club. You'll receive regular letters from me where I share insights, inspiration, reflections, support and do-able strategies on how you can create and integrate more calm, connection and confidence into your life without running away to Bali. Trust – it’s a slippery little sucker. What causes us to trust someone? Do you trust people implicitly or does it take a long time to build up and develop trust that is quickly destroyed? What do you trust people with – your secrets, your money, your heart, your life? Trust and vulnerability are a cornerstone of connection. It starts at birth. Babies trust their mothers to feed them, pick them up when they cry, cuddle them. Responsiveness and predictability are key to attachment and connection. As a psychologist, the relationship between myself and my client is inherently trust based. My clients trust that I will do the right thing by them. That I will listen and seek to understand without judgement. That I will value and respect their experiences, their goals, their vulnerabilities. Within the clinic space they can let down their guards and don’t need to be strong. They trust that I will guide them using proven methods and honour their journey. That I will work within my expertise and the ethical and legal boundaries of the profession. Did you realise that 50% of ‘success’ in therapy is due to the relationship between therapist and client. And when you think about how important trust is, this totally makes sense. Many years ago I sought out counselling through the services provided by my then work, and began seeing a therapist. This person crossed boundary lines. They crossed boundary lines in a number of ways. I followed their behaviour up with a complaint, but that too was unsatisfactory. This incident totally derailed the therapeutic process for me. It destroyed the connection. It created a mistrust of the counselling profession which I maintained for many years, and, a mistrust of my own experiences. Why am I telling you this? I have described an unequal power relationship which was abused by one party. This wasn’t the first time I experienced this and it wasn’t the last. It’s also not uncommon. You may have experienced something similar. Here is what may help:
If you are specifically looking for a mental health professional and want more information on professional and ethical conduct.:
I hope this helps. If you want to find out more about my story go to the latest podcast episode https://anchor.fm/kim-dunn/episodes/How-a-therapist-broke-my-trust---and-how-you-can-protect-yourself-against-something-similar-happening-to-you-ear293. As always you are welcome to email me or book an appointment on 0408533515. Until next time, take care of yourself Kim |
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Disclaimer* These articles are provided by Kim Ross, Psychologist for general information and education . They are not designed to be used for therapy.. If you are experiencing stress please contact your GP or mental health professional.
AuthorKim Ross is an Online Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Private Practice Sustainability. Archives
October 2023
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