Hands up if you saw someone driving this weekend texting on their phone, if you saw someone speed, run a red light, cut in front of you, not allow someone to zip/merge, or tailgate you? 
 
When was the last time you drove somewhere and realised you did not remember how you got there.   When did you last say to yourself, I did not see them, or find yourself swerving as you changed the radio station?
 
All of these examples occur when we and other road users take driving for granted and forget to drive mindfully.

Who better to talk about mindful driving than a Highway Patrol Officer.  It is my pleasure to introduce  Leading Senior Constable Glenn Dunn, from the Casey and Cardinia Highway Patrol Unit.  LSC Dunn, is passionate about reducing the road toll.  Since February 2016 he has presented the Emergency services speaker component for Road Trauma Support Services seminars being conducted at Narre Warren.  Recently he shared with me his A, B, C and D of driving.  Over to you LSC Dunn.
 
I have intercepted many road users that engage in intentional high risk driving behaviours such as driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, doing burnouts, travelling at excessive speeds and using their mobile phone whilst driving.  All of these people have the view that it is OK to do these things and they see it as an opportunity to see what they can get away with.  Police are the bad guys, speed cameras are revenue raisers, drinking and driving and texting whilst driving are OK as long as you are not caught.  There is something horribly wrong with this mindset.
 
​It all comes back to the basic laws of physics.  If you are speeding and you lose control of the car and slam into a tree, a pole or a car coming the other way then there is going to be an impact and an exchange of forces - a “Sudden Stop!”  If you are in a vehicle that has a sudden stop and you are not wearing your seatbelt you become a projectile and continue to travel at the speed that the car was travelling before the stop!  Our bodies have not been designed to withstand such external forces!  We are not Graham.

​Graham is a human sculpture designed to look like how the human body would need to be created to survive a serious crash.  You can learn more about him herehttp://www.tac.vic.gov.au/about-the-tac/media-room/news-and-events/current-media-releases/introducing-graham. Now I don't know about you, but I don't look like Graham.  Therefore I need to drive as safely as I can, and that means driving mindfully. 

I have attended serious collisions caused by the fatal five activities (as identified by Monash University Accident Research Centre)

1. excessive speed,
2. drug and/or alcohol impairment,
3.  failure to wear seatbelts,
4.  distractions; and,
5.  fatigue 

​
​These are all avoidable activities.  For most people driving is something that they do in between other activities in their life and as such they are rushing from one place to another and as a result not enough attention is paid to the actual act of driving.
 
My approach to driving can best be summed up by the following A,B, C, and D.
(A) – Drive with Awareness – pay attention!
(B) - don’t forget to Breath
(C) - Concentrate on your driving, don’t allow yourself to be distracted; and last but not least,
(D) - every road user has a “Duty of Care” to every other road user.
 
A – Drive with awareness
Be aware of:
The external environment – weather, traffic conditions, speed limits, is your car too hot, too noisy.  If the kids are fighting pull over.  Use your mirrors.
Your internal environment – Are you tired or upset?  Pull over take a nap.  Go for a walk.  Calm yourself before taking off.
 
A lighter example of unaware driving.

C – Concentrate
Prepare before you go.  Make sure you know where you are going.  Don’t text, put on makeup, read, eat your breakfast, play with the radio, answer your phone, read the Melways, punch in an address into the GPS.  Yes, these are all examples of activities people are doing before they cause an accident.  Just drive.  If you are texting when you drive or you answer a phone call and you hurt someone badly, even if they don't die, you can go to jail for about 5-10 years.  You will also live with the trauma caused by taking that call.
 
D – You have a Duty of Care.  Drive in a manner so that you do your best to keep other road users, your passengers, and yourself safe.  Check your child is wearing their seatbelt.  Send the text before you drive out of the school car park, not whilst driving out.  Treat the speed limit as a maximum. Leave room between your car and the car in front, it’s not OK to tailgate someone because you think they’re going to slow.
 
If we can encourage more motorists to apply this approach to driving, help motorists take responsibility for their actions and get them to take their Duty of Care seriously I believe that we can go a long way towards reducing the amount of senseless road trauma that is currently occurring on our roads.
 
If you or anyone you know has been affected by road trauma one place you can seek help is through Road Trauma Support Services, Victoria.  https://www.rtssv.org.au. ​​

What would you buy as a souvenir on a trip? Would you buy a 5x5 Rubik's cube?  You would if you were one of my children.  Why? was my question.  Because it's cool was the response.  We do have a Rubik's cube at home that has been picked up and put down, without being solved, a few times over the year.  So I was a little bemused that this was their bring home choice from a recent school camp.  

What I didn't expect was that they would pick up the 3x3 and spend most of their waking time over the last two days working at completing the cube.  They have shown determination, enthusiasm, creativity and curiosity.  They have researched the internet, explored apps and worked with their father (their mother is way to visual-spatially challenged to be of any assistance).  Now they have started writing up their own instruction sheet.  When they have been frustrated they have tried a different approach.

As a mum it's great to be able to step back and see this determination, to watch them developing a strength of perseverance.  Why, because perseverance entails voluntarily finishing what you start, despite obstacles and with pleasure.  It's not them finishing something after I've prompted and nagged.  Perseverance increases self-confidence as they learn to trust their abilities.

Common steps needed to develop perseverance  include.

1. Have a goal you care about (completing a Rubik's cube, by myself).
2. Have a plan, break it into steps (use as much help as available to complete it, then gradually use less help).
3. Ignore negativity of those around you (in this case there wasn't any).
4. Have at least one person who will encourage you (there were adults around to help them talk through instructions, show them, encourage them to keep trying and remind them that when they were younger they didn't learn to walk in one day).

I also pointed out to them that they are showing perseverance and how great that is to see.  

As parents we can have a huge impact on helping our children develop perseverance.  What are they passionate about?  What goals could they set around this?  How can they achieve these goals?  Praise their efforts, help them work through their frustrations.  

How long does it take to solve a Rubik's cube?  I can't actually answer that question yet.  But with they will get there.

There are so many ways for our children to show their bravery.  Bravery is not being fearless.  Bravery is experiencing fear and moving through it.  This morning one of my children has gone on a school camp, for a week, interstate, on a plane, for the first time...  They are 11.  

I was at school this morning at 6am, with over 60 other children and their parents.  Some of the children were pumped, one hopped onto the bus without a sideway glance at their parents.  Some of them were accompanied to the bus by their parents, and some of them made do with a quick last minute cuddle before leaving the hall.  Some of them were unconcerned leading up to the day, and some have had significant anxiety.

Before the event my child went on an emotional roller coaster.  One day it was, "I don't want to go.'  The next day it was 'I cant wait to go'.  They had questions, how fast does the plane fly?  What if I crash?  What does it feel like when the plane takes off?  What if no-one wants to watch what I want on TV?  Who will be in my group?  Who am I going to sit next to on the plane?  What do I do when I miss you?

As a parent I listened, I helped him look up answers, I told about about the Australian safety record and that the pilot wanted to get home safely and would make sure they didn't crash. I did not have all the answers, and the school did not provide all the answers either.   In these cases I could reassure him that even if things didn't turn out how he wanted them, it would be OK, he would manage.  I stood by while he rode his roller coaster.  It was my job not to hop on that roller coaster with him, but to reassure him that he would be OK whilst on the ride.  ​

Seven ways you can encourage your child to be brave.

1. Believe in them and let them know you believe they will be OK.
2. Remind them of other times when they were brave.
3. Encourage them to talk about any anxiety and let them know lots of other children will be worrying about the same thing.
4. Answer what questions you can, or better still, help them find the answers to their questions.  This may include looking up where you are staying on the internet, or finding out how fast then plane flies.
5. Point out to them that things will not go perfectly, but there are adults around to help them when they get stuck.
6. If you know your child has a specific fear or anxiety, prepare for this.  Teach them some relaxation exercises and practice before they go to camp.
7. You can engage in some graduated exposure around their fears either as a family or with the help of a professional.  For example, this may mean participating in activities such as having sleepovers leading up to camp, or even visiting camp.

There is no question that school camps can provoke anxiety, to varying degrees in children.  It also provides a wonderful experience for them to grow, develop resilience and create wonderful memories.

​If you are still concerned about your child and how they will cope, seeing a mental health professional, at least for a session or two is a worthwhile investment.

I wonder how much time you spent on self-care this week.  We often feel too busy to squeeze time in for ourselves.  The good news is it doesn't take a lot of self-care to make a difference.  

Small bubbles of self-care play an important role in maintaining our positive mental health..  

​Below are a few tips that you may find doable and enjoyable. 

This list includes my favourite little self care tip, because it's so easy.  When I am watching my child at football or cricket training, or playing these sports I love being able to walk around the ground.  Even if it is just round and around. This is a form of incidental exercise, which means putting exercise into our day to day life, without making a special effort to get the gym or drive somewhere just to walk. 

Some of these tips are double bubbles of self care.

Our brain thrives on new experiences and going somewhere new is a great way to kickstart our cognitive processes.  It doesn't have to be far, or different.  However, our brain and our whole physiology system love nature, so spending time outdoors is an extra self care bonus.  

Walking with a friend combines the benefit of social connections with exercise, a double dose of self-care.  

I wonder what other small self-care things you find important. 

If you know someone who may like these tips, please like and share

I wonder how your year is going so far?  Are you one of those people who approach life full on, with lots of energy and feel fully alive?  If so, you will probably find you score highly on the character strength of Zest or Vitality.  So what is Zest?

Zest is one of the 24 identified character strengths.  Character strengths or virtues exist across all cultures.  These character strengths tend to be what we use when we are feeling most connected with ourselves and the world around us.  

If you are full of zest or vitality you will be enthusiastic and throw yourself into life.  High levels of zest are associated with increased life satisfaction.  Zest helps us overcome fear.

Although Zest may not come naturally to you, like any character strength it can be improved, and given the high association between this and life satisfaction it is worth working on.  Somethings that can enhance Zest include social contact, physical exercise and doing new things.  

Just as well you can work on these things, because when I recently redid the VIA strength survey Zest was not one of my high ranked strengths,  

 ....In fact it was my lowest strength...

On the plus side my top three strengths are Perspective, Judgement, and Curiosity, which is probably a good fit for a psychologist. 

Are you interested in finding out more about your strengths, and in working with them to be happier?

I wonder how your year is going so far?  Are you one of those people who approach life full on, with lots of energy and feel fully alive?  If so, you will probably find you score highly on the character strength of Zest or Vitality.  So what is Zest?

Zest is one of the 24 identified character strengths.  Character strengths or virtues exist across all cultures.  These characters tend to be what we use when we are feeling most connected with ourselves and the world around us.  

If you are full of zest or vitality you will be enthusiastic and throw yourself into life.  High levels of zest are associated with increased life satisfaction.  Zest helps us overcome fear.

Although Zest may not come naturally to you, like any character strength it can be improved, and given the high association between this and life satisfaction it is worth working on.  Somethings that can enhance Zest include social contact, physical exercise and doing new things.  

Just as well you can work on these things, because when I recently re did the survey Zest was not one of my high ranked strengths,  

 ....In fact it was my lowest strength...

On the plus side my top three strengths are Perspective, Judgement, and Curiosity, which is probably a good fit for a psychologist. 

Are you interested in finding out more about your strengths, and in working with them to be happier?

 How do you feel when your baby, toddler or child does not sleep through?  And what is sleeping through anyway?
 
Are you and your child getting enough sleep?   Currently, if my sleep is uninterrupted I function well on about 7 and a half hours.  However, there were many, many years where I could count on one hand the number of uninterrupted sleeps I had for the whole year.  
 
Two of my children were very poor sleepers.  One of them screamed with colic and undiagnosed food allergies for a year.  He slept briefly when I sat on a fitball bouncing him up and down.  Although his screaming improved with age, he had frequent night terrors and developed habits such as coming in very frequently to our room.  He slept through with a little bit of consistency (3-4 nights a week) at about seven years.  The other child slept through for the first time when he was about five years.  
 
Any wonder that my major thesis at University was on Influences of Early Childhood Sleep Difficulties, Fatigue, Social Support and Personality on the Development of Maternal Self-Efficacy….
 
 So what does sleeping through mean?
 
Sleeping through is defined as between 5-6 hours of non interrupted sleep.  Most infants do this at about 6 months of age.  By about eight months 60-70% of infants can self-soothe – put themselves back to sleep.   Full maturation of infant sleep occurs about the age of three, however, night wakings are unstable until then.  So it is normal for your child not have a full nights sleep until about the age of three.

Studies show that about a quarter of school aged children have some sort of sleep difficulty.
​

Yes, I though I would give that sentence some space all by itself. 
 
We tried many different approaches to these sleep problems.  With my first chid I tried to follow all the guidelines given to establish good sleeping patterns, but they just did not work for him.  Strategies across the years included a few trips to sleep school, co-sleeping in my bed, and co-sleeping in another bed in our bedroom.  We also tried getting up each time a child came in and putting them back to bed without a sound; telling them to go back to bed themselves; and waking up and finding them lying in the bed and being too tired to put them back to theirs.  We had reward charts.  We had regular bedtime routines.  We also had disruptions caused by shiftwork and illness – in other words real life. 

And how did I feel through all of this? exhausted, despairing, like a failure, angry, frustrated, and at the end of my rope.  It was an extremely difficult time.

Sleep deprivation is challenging, for the child and the parent.  It leads to impaired cognitive functioning, which is another way of saying you have trouble making decisions, and in fact trouble just thinking about anything.  The more fatigued you are the more your ability to remain calm is like to be effected. 
 
Sleep difficulties can be very complex and there are physiological, emotional, behavioural, and environmental factors to be examined.  Throughout this process trying to keep up with self-care is important, make naps and rest (for yourself) a priority, check in with how you feel,.  Self-blame and feeling a failure as a parent may happen. Being able to recognise and let these feelings go can help.  

If you feel you need some help it is worth checking in with a professional.  A paediatrician is a good place to start and can take a close look at underlying physiological causes.  Helping with behavioural, environmental and emotional factors is something I can work on with you in a private parent consultation.  You don't need to cope with the fatigue and the emotional rollercoaster sleep difficulties bring  alone.

I'm wondering what sort of conversations you are having with your young person about how school is going for them so far this year.

As a family,  yesterday afternoon we had a special 'getting through the week' ice cream treat and a brief check in. Some of our discussion centred on what everyone's character strengths were.

Yes, mum may be a little bit of a nerd sometimes....

This page link below takes you to an article called 'Setting yourself up for a great year'.  The article gives some suggestions for how older students can take a more positive approach to their studies.  Although it doesn't talk directly about strengths, it highlights opportunities schools provide for your child to use strengths such as curiosity, self-regulation, perseverance, zest, hope, humour, bravery and social intelligence. 

When you look at this article there may be a suggestion that jumps out at you as a good fit for your child.

If so, it could be that you are recognising a match between the suggestion, and a strength of your child. If you think your child may benefit from the suggestion you may want to discuss this suggestion with them, ........ or print the article out and leave it lying around on the kitchen table.  
​
http://andrewfuller.com.au/free-resources/#parents 

​Do you remember being at the shops and seeing someone you know?  Being a friendly sort you give them a wave or a smile.  But they don’t wave back.  I know, it’s pretty rude isn’t it.  And you might feel a bit of a dill and wonder if other people are looking at you.  Or perhaps you wonder if they are ignoring you on purpose, and that makes you feel a bit anxious.  So perhaps you take on some of this uncertainty and carry it around with you for the rest of the day, or until you see them again.
 
Does your child spill milk on the floor when they are preparing their breakfast, and you think, or say, “bugger, another mess to clean up”?  Especially when you have a busy day ahead.
 
Does this sound like you?  Do you tend to automatically focus on the negative of a situation?  Or do you think, “maybe they didn’t see me”; “isn’t it great he’s becoming independent”.
 
Having a negative response bias is a type of distorted or helpful thinking style.  We all may do this from time to time, but more so when we are under prolonged stress or feeling depressed.  We may see our weaknesses and forget our strengths.  When someone gives us feedback we focus on the negative and reject the positive. 
 
Noticing the positive is a choice, and it is also a skill we can develop.  Maybe the next time you notice a negative thought, look for an alternative explanation, see a different perspective, choose to focus on the positive, and allow the negative thought to take a backwards role.   

Do your children like each?  How do you feel when they fight and argue?  As a mother I feel it is important that when my children grow up they will be there for each other.  That when one is stuck or upset they can pick up the phone or whatever is the most appropriate form of communication in 10+ years time, and know the person on the other end will be there for them.  Or when they have wonderful news they do the same.  That when they have something to celebrate they can do so with each other.  That together they have a supportive community.  Because if they can’t do this, why do we create families?
 
Wow, this a lot of expectation to put on children who are still growing up and developing their communication and interaction skills. 

 When I stop and look at my thinking behind these expectations I can hear thoughts like “My children should get on.”  If they don’t get on now, they will not have anything to do with each other in the future”.   “I am a terrible mother (and psychologist) because I can’t make my children like each other”.


Does thinking like this make me feel good?  Does it support me in my goal of creating the best family I can?  No, of course not.  These are examples of distorted/unhelpful thinking.  If I keep thinking like this I’m going to lose my optimism and hope. 
There are many types of distorted thinking..  Noticing them may not change the fact that my children are arguing, but it gives me space to take a breath and make some decisions about how I want to react (or not react to the situation).  This will vary depending on the age of the siblings, the issue, location, history, individual temperament, parenting philosophy etc.  As a parent when you are able to notice and pause it gives you a chance to tap into your own parenting wisdom.