Yesterday the roadmap was delivered to Victorians.  As a Victorian living in Metro Melbourne, the roadmap was worse than I had anticipated.  
 
Worse both personally, and for the larger community.  
 
I am looking for strong forward sustainable leadership in regards to future town planning which maximises the resources available in each person’s 5 km bubble.  Maybe that’s coming, but it wasn’t there yesterday.  
 
I am looking for leadership that supports family connection, and that wasn’t there yesterday.  There are at least 7 weeks before I can see my parents, or any member of my family again.  And at least 11 before we can come together as a whole family.  None of my family are within my 5km radius.
 
There are at least 7 weeks before my children can look at resuming a proper education – ranging from High School to University.
 
So, yep it sucks.  
 
So yesterday I wallowed, a little bit.  Something clicked in my brain and I slipped into self-sabotage mode.  To me this is often a combination of not doing anything and over eating – not a healthy combination – and getting angry.
 
If I am to name my anger, it would be disappointment, fear (the above will only happen if certain parameters are met), some envy and resentment.
 
There will be no grand final meet up with family.
 
If I’m going to be stuck in a 5km bubble, I want a better 5km bubble!  I want a beach, or a forest, or a river walk, and/or some family!  I have a lake .2 km out of my bubble.  Do I risk it?  
 
In crisis it becomes the gap between the haves and the have nots - geographically, financially, emotionally, and socially becomes so apparent.  

In a crisis, this gap becomes a chasm.

There are many of us who don't have friends who check in on us and who take the effort to make our iso birthdays something special.  
 
There are many people stuck in worse 5km radius than me.  Those who don't have the money to indulge in Netflix, Foxtel, online purchasing, take away meals, or other distracting behaviours.
 
There are many who don't have the resources or energy to get dressed each day, let alone create and finish any sort of project.
And of course there are those stuck in a loveless or abuse relationship, unemployed, detoxing, the list goes on.  

The above, and more contribute to the anger I feel.  
 
So what, if anything, is the antidote to this anger?
 
Do we just wait it out the best we can?
 
Well, yes there is that but, here are a couple of things that may help
 
Awareness first.  
You know those thoughts and feelings going around and around in your head, perhaps sabotaging you the way mine do?  Get them out.  Write them down, talk them aloud, acknowledge them, show them in the light and own them as yours.
 
Now this is not denying that other people may have it worse.  This sort of comparison does not help. 
 
This is acknowledging your hurt and your loss and all the reasons you may be feeling anger.
 
From here there are a few options.
If you have uncovered a sense of loss, hurt or suffering you may like to look at the Three Steps of Self-Compassion.
 
You may like to channel the energy of that anger into something you can control, that fits with what is important to you.  It might be writing a letter to your MP, starting a home construction/demolition project, going for a run, dancing to loud music, actively contacting (or recontacting) everyone you know in isolation to see how they are doing.

Or you may wish to reconnect with a passion, a person, a therapist, a positive habit.


Me?
 
I’m taking stock (again) today.  Looking at doubling down on exercise, doing something in the garden, taking pressure off myself to complete work projects and slowing down a little bit, spring cleaning the house.  I’m also going to keep connecting with the people I care about and…find a new Netflix series. Vampire Diaries you’ve served me well, but you’re almost over.

And, I’ve had one week off since March and am about to go and schedule in a couple more weeks when I finish this. Because, yes you can still burn out in isolation, in fact it can be even easier to do so.  

Where ever you find yourself day, take time to reflect on how you are really feeling, what you are really thinking and then act upon this feelings.  If you would like some support with that I’m here for you.  Whether that’s through self-care coaching, supervision, mentoring…simply email me at kimdunn@positiveyoungminds.com.au and we can talk about your next steps.

Until next time, take care of yourself

Kim Dunn xx

​

My eldest turns 21 today.  He is having a birthday in isolation.  That means no -one over to celebrate, not going out with mates.  He's stuck with me and his brother! 

It was today 21 years ago that I became a mother (yes that's me and infamous baby who didn't sleep all night until he was 5)....

I'm so proud of him today and I've shared that on Facebook, but your children's birthday's are also a time for personal reflections.  

I look at this photo and I see how young and beautiful I looked.  I was 32.  

Nowdays I am not so young or beautiful, but I am younger and probably more beautiful than what I'll ever be again.

When I was much younger, I loved going out and dancing. Connecting, and just being with the music and the friends and strangers around me. Whether it be ‘sock hops’ at school, listening to pub cover bands, or going to bushdances. It was fun!!

Then for a while, the music stopped. With the unrelenting fatigue that accompanied the jump into motherhood. 

There was no more dancing and the isolation of motherhood became real.

The only dancing was the swaying that happened trying to soothe the babies, or the bouncing and rolling around on the Swiss ball as they were jiggled off to sleep.

And then the babies grew and even the swaying disappeared….

The music changes when you become a mother, well it did for me. Suddenly you have children who depend on you, who trust you implicitly (until they become teenagers anyway) and look to you for guidance in everything they do. And often, we don’t have all the answers, we can’t fulfill all their needs, we can’t even fulfill our own needs of sleep, and that sense of failure to be perfect can lead to isolation and times of despair.

So, although I had my mother and my family, and friends, I lost the music. 

So how do you get the music back? You start by giving yourself permission to hear it. 

When you embrace your imperfections, your authenticity, and follow your life rhythm you find others who resonate with you, who will support you, challenge you and join in your dance. 

You may find as I did, when you make a commitment to embrace your vulnerability, you create space to make new soul connections with your family, your friends, each other. 

It's OK, it's normal to lose the music, to get overwhelmed, to reach out for guidance and support. I've been there, swaying in the corner, waiting for it to change. 

I get it.

​Remember we are all connected, and although you may feel it at times, you are not alone. 

The music, the dance, the connections are there. Sometimes we just need a little help to rediscover them.

And then you become older and the music and dance, and often connections, change yet again.  It's time now, for  me again to rediscover what the sound and the movement are for me, in this next stage of my life.

Until next time, take care of yourself.


Kim  xx

ps….  And I totally love my children, and always wanted to be a mother, and I will always be their rock and their comfort.  They make my heart sing, even when I can't always hear the music.

You want to look after yourself more, but seriously, who has the time (or energy) for that.  
 
And really, what difference would it make anyway?

I get it.

When my children were young and didn't sleep very much self-care seemed like a luxury that I would get to , one day.  I so wish I'd realised then, how incorporating little things that fitted what I was going through (no time, money or energy!) could make a difference.  
 
Did you know that every time you make a choice you lose something?  It’s called opportunity cost.  It’s unavoidable because you can’t be in two places at once, you can’t browse Facebook and get the dishes done, you can’t eat pizza and fish and chips and Chinese for dinner – you have to make a choice.
 
And choosing to engage in self-care, or not…..
 
…is no different.
 
But first let’s take a brief detour and let me dispel a myth for you.  Self-care is not all about pedicures, massages and pampering.  Sure, whilst there’s no doubt that some people love this and it helps them rejuvenate themselves; it’s only one, small, aspect of self-care.
 
Self-care is all about YOU looking after your physical and mental health.  The action you take can be positive, practical and personalised.  That’s the best type of self-care – finding out what you need and doing what works for you.
 
Back to the opportunity cost of NOT prioritising self-care.
 
Not being mindful (one of the key self-care tools) can lead to forgetfulness, missing non-verbal cues in conversations and harming connection, not being present for the best moments in the day, missing the everyday beauty around you.
 
Not doing something that brings you joy can lead to resentment and sadness.
 
Not practicing gratitude can lead to envy and jealousy.
 
Not exercising can lead to depressed mood.

Not reaching out to others when you are feeling lonely can lead to increased isolation and lack of connection..
 
Not practicing self-acceptance can lead to a feeling of not being worthy and not speaking up for yourself.
 
Not going to the doctor can lead to undiagnosed and untreated physical illness.
 
Not enforcing boundaries can lead to burnout and a deep sense of being taken for granted.
 
So, in answer to the question that was posed at the start – what difference does engaging in self-care make anyway?
 
Incorporating positive, practical, self-care strategies that reflect YOUR needs can make a world of difference to your health, your mood, your life. 
 
Now, just because it’s self-care, I really, really want to stress one thing.

You don’t have to do it all by yourself.  I am here to help you work out what you need, what strategies will work best for you and your circumstances, and to teach you positive, practical strategies that take very little time.
 
Just to show you that these strategies don’t have to take long, here’s a simple one for you to try.
 
Look up from reading this and find something that catches your eye and makes you smile.  Allow yourself to focus on this feeling and the thoughts that go with it.  Maybe it’s something your chid made, maybe you bought it for a special reason, or at a special place.  Maybe it is just beautiful or was given to you by a special person.  Then, if this thing is cluttered by other things, make space for it to shine by itself.  

That’s it.  You have just practiced self-care.  You have touched on emotional self-care, connection and meaning.  You have also practiced using you Awe and appreciation of beauty muscle.  

If you feel inclined to send me a quick email, I would love to know how you went with this exercise.  

PODCAST UPDATE
Ever shut up instead of standing up?  Ever allowed others to shine whist dimming our own light.  The world needs you to be at your best.  

I talk about this and what may be stopping you in the latest podcast.  How to stand up instead of shutting up.  What it takes to express your authentic self. 

And remember, if you want to be a part of the exclusive subscribers podcast group – all you need to do is subscribe to Creating Connections that Matter, leave a review, and email me a screen shot at creatingconnectionsthatmatter@gmail.com.

RESOURCES
For an update list on different ways I can help you click here.  And of course, I am currently available for Telehealth Counselling or Telehealth self-care coaching - email for more details.

Until next time, take care xx


Kim 

Last year I wrote the below article.  As our children go back to school this question is even more relevant.  What plans do schools have to help children going back to school after this huge disruption to their lives?  Are there adequate resources, support, and understanding?

The elephant in the room - what do we do with students with mental health difficulties?  
 
I want to start my saying that my mother was  school teacher, and I grew up with a lot of respect for the good teachers, the ones who worked hard to understand and then educate their students. 
 
And I still believe that the vast majority of teachers have the best intentions, and just like our students, they do well if they can.  
 
Over the last 10 years as an independent child and adolescent psychologist I have witnessed school and teachers who do not know what to do when a student has acute and/or chronic mental health difficulties.  When we look at understanding why a child is not learning well in the classroom it is not enough to look at cognitive abilities the emotional wellbeing of a student must be taken into account.  In our school system there are both systemic gaps, knowledge gaps and understanding gaps.
​
The World Health Organisation states that half of all mental health conditions start by 14 years of age and “most cases are undetected and untreated”.  And “globally, depression is one of the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents” https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health.
 
About 10-20% of adolescents experience mental health problems.  In a classroom of 30 children that means 3-6 on average.  In a school of 1200 that is 240 students.  This is not an elephant that should be ignored and dealt with on an ad hoc basis.
 
We may be increasing the number of counsellors and psychologists in schools, but is that helping?  How far is it going?  Do schools think that because a student has an appointment a session a week or a fortnight, or is seeing an outside psychologist that that is enough.
 
I am asking these questions to school leaders, parents, teachers, mental health professionals.  These are aimed at encouraging conversation.  Possible answers and/or best practices to some of these topics will be addressed in future articles.  For now consider the following.
 
Knowledge and Understanding

• Do teachers understand the impact that mental health has on the ability of a child to focus and learn?
• Do teachers understand the range of reasons that may be behind a student sitting in class and not doing work?
• Is a student told they should be doing better?  Or are there conversations had around what is getting in the way of their learning.  Do teachers know how to carry out these conversations?
• What are teachers fears or mental health, and how does that impact on the way they manage situations?

 
Systemic

• Does your school have a mental health policy?
  • Who created it?
  • Does it have student buy-in?
  • Are parents aware of it?

 

• When do you tell a parent their child is self-harming?  Do you ever tell parents their child isn’t attending the counselling sessions that were initiated with parent consent?
• What is the process if a student has an anxiety attack in class?  When a student leaves the room due to distress?  When they can’t focus in class because of obsessive thoughts, or lack of sleep due to depression or ongoing trauma?
• What is your procedure when a child is absent?  Is there any investigation as to the reasons behind abseentism?
• Who looks after students with mental health concerns when there are excursions, camps, school events?
• Is the value of a good teacher-student relationship understood, encouraged and supported by the school?
• When English text books are decided upon – is the school choosing literature that is uplifting?
• How is the school managing student peer groups who indulge in rumination?
• What is the policy for students who self-harm and have visible marks?
• Are there emotional management plans in place for students with identified mental health concerns?
• Are there coordinated and formal meetings with parents?

 
These and many other questions need to be answered.
 
Let’s carry on the conversation.  Whether you are a principal, a teacher, a parent or a school psychologist/counsellor/welfare worker – what is your school doing?  Let’s share, what is working, what isn’t, where are the gaps in understanding, knowledge and systems.
 

PODCASTS
 
As you may already know, podcasts are my go to at the moment. Whether it be catching up with the latest in psychology, business or self-development, I have a range I can choose from according to the move.  Some are great for listening to in the car, some when I’m lying down resting, some for when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, and others when I’m really in the mood to learn something new.

In fact, they are a perfect way for mums to learn.  Some podcasts are short, some are longer, so you can pick and choose.  
 
Below is a list of my top 6 favourites at the moment, although they do change from time to time.  
 
Private Practice with Soul by Dr Brooklyn Storme.  
The Content 10x – Amy Woods
Brand You Personal Branding – Mike Kim
Marketing that Converts by Teresa Heath-Wareing 
Potential Psychology – Ellen Jackson
Parental as Anything ABC radio.
 
And a special shout out to two really new podcasts
Phoenix Rising with Gallagher Psychology  by Patricia Gallagher, and
Course Creation Bites by Sam Winch
 
And of course I love my own (because it would pretty terrible if I didn’t!)
Creating Connections that Matter by Kim Dunn.  
 
Do you listen to podcasts?  If you've listened to mine I would love to know what you think, and I am always interested in what you would like to hear more of, simply drop me a quick email.
​

So, you'd like to stop feeling guilty.

If you're like me you are not short of examples where motherhood guilt popped up its head.

As recently as last week I was at an all day event and about 11.30 I received a text from my youngest.

It read
'Mum, where are you?'  😳😳

So, yes.
I put my hand up for another vote towards the Worst Mother of the Year Award.

Well, first the bad news about feeling guilty...

You cant really stop it....

But....

You don't really want to.

Guilt is an emotion, and like all emotions it has a purpose - it is giving you feedback and guidance on your life.

 It is important that you feel guilt.

There are two question to ask yourself: 

1. What is this emotion telling you?  
2. Is this helpful in helping you lead YOUR best life?.  

 
Have a look at these two examples.

1. You forgot to call your mum for her birthday and now you’re feeling guilty.
2. You want to go out for lunch with your friend and your child doesn’t want you to go.  They cry and run after the car as you leave the driveway.  (They are staying home with their dad).

 

Trust – it’s a slippery little sucker.
 
What causes us to trust someone?
 
Do you trust people implicitly or does it take a long time to build up and develop trust that is quickly destroyed?
 
What do you trust people with – your secrets, your money, your heart, your life?
 
Trust and vulnerability are a cornerstone of connection.  
 
It starts at birth.
 
Babies trust their mothers to feed them, pick them up when they cry, cuddle them.  Responsiveness and predictability are key to attachment and connection.  
 
As a psychologist, the relationship between myself and my client is inherently trust based.
 
My clients trust that I will do the right thing by them.  That I will listen and seek to understand without judgement.  That I will value and respect their experiences, their goals, their vulnerabilities.  Within the clinic space they can let down their guards and don’t need to be strong.  They trust that I will guide them using proven methods and honour their journey.  That I will work within my expertise and the ethical and legal boundaries of the profession.  

Did you realise that 50% of ‘success’ in therapy is due to the relationship between therapist and client.  And when you think about how important trust is, this totally makes sense.  
 
Many years ago I sought out counselling through the services provided by my then work, and began seeing a therapist.  This person crossed boundary lines.  They crossed boundary lines in a number of ways.  I followed their behaviour up with a complaint, but that too was unsatisfactory.
 
This incident totally derailed the therapeutic process for me.  It destroyed the connection.  It created a mistrust of the counselling profession which I maintained for many years, and, a mistrust of my own experiences.

Why am I telling you this?
I have described an unequal power relationship which was abused by one party.  This wasn’t the first time I experienced this and it wasn’t the last.  It’s also not uncommon.

You may have experienced something similar. 
 
Here is what may help:

• Cultivate a go to person you trust – it might be a work mentor, a close friend, a sibling.
• Arm yourself with information.
• Don’t be afraid to put your hand up and ask for help or advocacy.
• Work on developing your assertiveness and confidence – particularly if people have taken advantage of you in the past.
• Know that it is OK to say no.
• Ask yourself – am I in equal and trusting relationships now?
• Work on helping your child know who to trust.  Knowing who to trust, being able to ask for help, are very valuable skills for a child to develop.  
• If something feels wrong in a session trust your gut.  You CAN leave, you have rights.  Inform your children of this right as well.  
• Keep an eye out for other people around you who you suspect may be going through a vulnerable time - maybe you can be their go to person.

 
If you are specifically looking for a mental health professional and want more information on professional and ethical conduct.: 

• Have a look at the AHPRA website https://www.ahpra.gov.au.  
• Try and see a therapist who is registered with AHPRA because they have a complaints feedback process.  

I hope this helps.  If you want to find out more about my story go to the latest podcast episode https://anchor.fm/kim-dunn/episodes/How-a-therapist-broke-my-trust---and-how-you-can-protect-yourself-against-something-similar-happening-to-you-ear293.

As always  you are welcome to email me or book an appointment on 0408533515.

Until next time, take care of yourself

​Kim