You want to look after yourself more, but seriously, who has the time (or energy) for that.  
 
And really, what difference would it make anyway?

I get it.

When my children were young and didn't sleep very much self-care seemed like a luxury that I would get to , one day.  I so wish I'd realised then, how incorporating little things that fitted what I was going through (no time, money or energy!) could make a difference.  
 
Did you know that every time you make a choice you lose something?  It’s called opportunity cost.  It’s unavoidable because you can’t be in two places at once, you can’t browse Facebook and get the dishes done, you can’t eat pizza and fish and chips and Chinese for dinner – you have to make a choice.
 
And choosing to engage in self-care, or not…..
 
…is no different.
 
But first let’s take a brief detour and let me dispel a myth for you.  Self-care is not all about pedicures, massages and pampering.  Sure, whilst there’s no doubt that some people love this and it helps them rejuvenate themselves; it’s only one, small, aspect of self-care.
 
Self-care is all about YOU looking after your physical and mental health.  The action you take can be positive, practical and personalised.  That’s the best type of self-care – finding out what you need and doing what works for you.
 
Back to the opportunity cost of NOT prioritising self-care.
 
Not being mindful (one of the key self-care tools) can lead to forgetfulness, missing non-verbal cues in conversations and harming connection, not being present for the best moments in the day, missing the everyday beauty around you.
 
Not doing something that brings you joy can lead to resentment and sadness.
 
Not practicing gratitude can lead to envy and jealousy.
 
Not exercising can lead to depressed mood.

Not reaching out to others when you are feeling lonely can lead to increased isolation and lack of connection..
 
Not practicing self-acceptance can lead to a feeling of not being worthy and not speaking up for yourself.
 
Not going to the doctor can lead to undiagnosed and untreated physical illness.
 
Not enforcing boundaries can lead to burnout and a deep sense of being taken for granted.
 
So, in answer to the question that was posed at the start – what difference does engaging in self-care make anyway?
 
Incorporating positive, practical, self-care strategies that reflect YOUR needs can make a world of difference to your health, your mood, your life. 
 
Now, just because it’s self-care, I really, really want to stress one thing.

You don’t have to do it all by yourself.  I am here to help you work out what you need, what strategies will work best for you and your circumstances, and to teach you positive, practical strategies that take very little time.
 
Just to show you that these strategies don’t have to take long, here’s a simple one for you to try.
 
Look up from reading this and find something that catches your eye and makes you smile.  Allow yourself to focus on this feeling and the thoughts that go with it.  Maybe it’s something your chid made, maybe you bought it for a special reason, or at a special place.  Maybe it is just beautiful or was given to you by a special person.  Then, if this thing is cluttered by other things, make space for it to shine by itself.  

That’s it.  You have just practiced self-care.  You have touched on emotional self-care, connection and meaning.  You have also practiced using you Awe and appreciation of beauty muscle.  

If you feel inclined to send me a quick email, I would love to know how you went with this exercise.  

PODCAST UPDATE
Ever shut up instead of standing up?  Ever allowed others to shine whist dimming our own light.  The world needs you to be at your best.  

I talk about this and what may be stopping you in the latest podcast.  How to stand up instead of shutting up.  What it takes to express your authentic self. 

And remember, if you want to be a part of the exclusive subscribers podcast group – all you need to do is subscribe to Creating Connections that Matter, leave a review, and email me a screen shot at creatingconnectionsthatmatter@gmail.com.

RESOURCES
For an update list on different ways I can help you click here.  And of course, I am currently available for Telehealth Counselling or Telehealth self-care coaching - email for more details.

Until next time, take care xx


Kim 

Last year I wrote the below article.  As our children go back to school this question is even more relevant.  What plans do schools have to help children going back to school after this huge disruption to their lives?  Are there adequate resources, support, and understanding?

The elephant in the room - what do we do with students with mental health difficulties?  
 
I want to start my saying that my mother was  school teacher, and I grew up with a lot of respect for the good teachers, the ones who worked hard to understand and then educate their students. 
 
And I still believe that the vast majority of teachers have the best intentions, and just like our students, they do well if they can.  
 
Over the last 10 years as an independent child and adolescent psychologist I have witnessed school and teachers who do not know what to do when a student has acute and/or chronic mental health difficulties.  When we look at understanding why a child is not learning well in the classroom it is not enough to look at cognitive abilities the emotional wellbeing of a student must be taken into account.  In our school system there are both systemic gaps, knowledge gaps and understanding gaps.
​
The World Health Organisation states that half of all mental health conditions start by 14 years of age and “most cases are undetected and untreated”.  And “globally, depression is one of the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents” https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health.
 
About 10-20% of adolescents experience mental health problems.  In a classroom of 30 children that means 3-6 on average.  In a school of 1200 that is 240 students.  This is not an elephant that should be ignored and dealt with on an ad hoc basis.
 
We may be increasing the number of counsellors and psychologists in schools, but is that helping?  How far is it going?  Do schools think that because a student has an appointment a session a week or a fortnight, or is seeing an outside psychologist that that is enough.
 
I am asking these questions to school leaders, parents, teachers, mental health professionals.  These are aimed at encouraging conversation.  Possible answers and/or best practices to some of these topics will be addressed in future articles.  For now consider the following.
 
Knowledge and Understanding

• Do teachers understand the impact that mental health has on the ability of a child to focus and learn?
• Do teachers understand the range of reasons that may be behind a student sitting in class and not doing work?
• Is a student told they should be doing better?  Or are there conversations had around what is getting in the way of their learning.  Do teachers know how to carry out these conversations?
• What are teachers fears or mental health, and how does that impact on the way they manage situations?

 
Systemic

• Does your school have a mental health policy?
  • Who created it?
  • Does it have student buy-in?
  • Are parents aware of it?

 

• When do you tell a parent their child is self-harming?  Do you ever tell parents their child isn’t attending the counselling sessions that were initiated with parent consent?
• What is the process if a student has an anxiety attack in class?  When a student leaves the room due to distress?  When they can’t focus in class because of obsessive thoughts, or lack of sleep due to depression or ongoing trauma?
• What is your procedure when a child is absent?  Is there any investigation as to the reasons behind abseentism?
• Who looks after students with mental health concerns when there are excursions, camps, school events?
• Is the value of a good teacher-student relationship understood, encouraged and supported by the school?
• When English text books are decided upon – is the school choosing literature that is uplifting?
• How is the school managing student peer groups who indulge in rumination?
• What is the policy for students who self-harm and have visible marks?
• Are there emotional management plans in place for students with identified mental health concerns?
• Are there coordinated and formal meetings with parents?

 
These and many other questions need to be answered.
 
Let’s carry on the conversation.  Whether you are a principal, a teacher, a parent or a school psychologist/counsellor/welfare worker – what is your school doing?  Let’s share, what is working, what isn’t, where are the gaps in understanding, knowledge and systems.
 

PODCASTS
 
As you may already know, podcasts are my go to at the moment. Whether it be catching up with the latest in psychology, business or self-development, I have a range I can choose from according to the move.  Some are great for listening to in the car, some when I’m lying down resting, some for when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, and others when I’m really in the mood to learn something new.

In fact, they are a perfect way for mums to learn.  Some podcasts are short, some are longer, so you can pick and choose.  
 
Below is a list of my top 6 favourites at the moment, although they do change from time to time.  
 
Private Practice with Soul by Dr Brooklyn Storme.  
The Content 10x – Amy Woods
Brand You Personal Branding – Mike Kim
Marketing that Converts by Teresa Heath-Wareing 
Potential Psychology – Ellen Jackson
Parental as Anything ABC radio.
 
And a special shout out to two really new podcasts
Phoenix Rising with Gallagher Psychology  by Patricia Gallagher, and
Course Creation Bites by Sam Winch
 
And of course I love my own (because it would pretty terrible if I didn’t!)
Creating Connections that Matter by Kim Dunn.  
 
Do you listen to podcasts?  If you've listened to mine I would love to know what you think, and I am always interested in what you would like to hear more of, simply drop me a quick email.
​

So, you'd like to stop feeling guilty.

If you're like me you are not short of examples where motherhood guilt popped up its head.

As recently as last week I was at an all day event and about 11.30 I received a text from my youngest.

It read
'Mum, where are you?'  😳😳

So, yes.
I put my hand up for another vote towards the Worst Mother of the Year Award.

Well, first the bad news about feeling guilty...

You cant really stop it....

But....

You don't really want to.

Guilt is an emotion, and like all emotions it has a purpose - it is giving you feedback and guidance on your life.

 It is important that you feel guilt.

There are two question to ask yourself: 

1. What is this emotion telling you?  
2. Is this helpful in helping you lead YOUR best life?.  

 
Have a look at these two examples.

1. You forgot to call your mum for her birthday and now you’re feeling guilty.
2. You want to go out for lunch with your friend and your child doesn’t want you to go.  They cry and run after the car as you leave the driveway.  (They are staying home with their dad).

 

Trust – it’s a slippery little sucker.
 
What causes us to trust someone?
 
Do you trust people implicitly or does it take a long time to build up and develop trust that is quickly destroyed?
 
What do you trust people with – your secrets, your money, your heart, your life?
 
Trust and vulnerability are a cornerstone of connection.  
 
It starts at birth.
 
Babies trust their mothers to feed them, pick them up when they cry, cuddle them.  Responsiveness and predictability are key to attachment and connection.  
 
As a psychologist, the relationship between myself and my client is inherently trust based.
 
My clients trust that I will do the right thing by them.  That I will listen and seek to understand without judgement.  That I will value and respect their experiences, their goals, their vulnerabilities.  Within the clinic space they can let down their guards and don’t need to be strong.  They trust that I will guide them using proven methods and honour their journey.  That I will work within my expertise and the ethical and legal boundaries of the profession.  

Did you realise that 50% of ‘success’ in therapy is due to the relationship between therapist and client.  And when you think about how important trust is, this totally makes sense.  
 
Many years ago I sought out counselling through the services provided by my then work, and began seeing a therapist.  This person crossed boundary lines.  They crossed boundary lines in a number of ways.  I followed their behaviour up with a complaint, but that too was unsatisfactory.
 
This incident totally derailed the therapeutic process for me.  It destroyed the connection.  It created a mistrust of the counselling profession which I maintained for many years, and, a mistrust of my own experiences.

Why am I telling you this?
I have described an unequal power relationship which was abused by one party.  This wasn’t the first time I experienced this and it wasn’t the last.  It’s also not uncommon.

You may have experienced something similar. 
 
Here is what may help:

• Cultivate a go to person you trust – it might be a work mentor, a close friend, a sibling.
• Arm yourself with information.
• Don’t be afraid to put your hand up and ask for help or advocacy.
• Work on developing your assertiveness and confidence – particularly if people have taken advantage of you in the past.
• Know that it is OK to say no.
• Ask yourself – am I in equal and trusting relationships now?
• Work on helping your child know who to trust.  Knowing who to trust, being able to ask for help, are very valuable skills for a child to develop.  
• If something feels wrong in a session trust your gut.  You CAN leave, you have rights.  Inform your children of this right as well.  
• Keep an eye out for other people around you who you suspect may be going through a vulnerable time - maybe you can be their go to person.

 
If you are specifically looking for a mental health professional and want more information on professional and ethical conduct.: 

• Have a look at the AHPRA website https://www.ahpra.gov.au.  
• Try and see a therapist who is registered with AHPRA because they have a complaints feedback process.  

I hope this helps.  If you want to find out more about my story go to the latest podcast episode https://anchor.fm/kim-dunn/episodes/How-a-therapist-broke-my-trust---and-how-you-can-protect-yourself-against-something-similar-happening-to-you-ear293.

As always  you are welcome to email me or book an appointment on 0408533515.

Until next time, take care of yourself

​Kim

It’s not called the ‘weight’ of expectations for nothing!
 
Expectations are 'rules' we grow up with.  
 
They create boundaries and provide guidance.  

​For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months otherwise this is a clear sign of a problem with development.
 
You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. 
 
Society and families create many expectations to encourage behaviour and growth; for the good of your development and that of the broader community.  The general aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society.  
 
Then there are individual family differences of expectations based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc. 
 
As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood.  
 
Then you become an adult, and on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, and maybe your children.  
 
Then comes expectations from schools, sporting clubs, after school activities.  The more you are immersed in society, the bigger collection of expectations you are exposed to.
 
And, if that’s not enough you also have the thick layer of consumer ‘expectations’.  In a world where economic growth is still valued above all else we seem to have really internalised the ‘greed is good’ doctrine in our society.  You are encouraged to buy, to have more, to be good consumers.  It is an insidious expectation.
 
So, what happens when you step back, when you become the observer, when you listen to your noticing self and see the reality of your expectations?
 
You can see the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ for what they really are; they aren’t rules by which you HAVE to live by, they aren’t absolute truths, they are just THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS your mind is holding on to.  
 
By seeing this you can you can CHOOSE to let go of expectations that have no meaning or value for you.
 
Knowing this you can choose.  
 
You CAN choose to participate in activities that you value, whilst saying NO to things you don’t. 
 
You CAN choose to do things that bring joy to your heart and that of your family.  
 
You CAN choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness.  
 
There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make.  
 
We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable.  
 
That is one reason why deciding to choose which expectations you will meet, and which you will leave behind is difficult.  
 
It is your journey.
 
What expectations weigh on you?
 
Where do you find enforcing boundaries difficult?
 
What is most important to you in this world?
 
If you like this article, if these are questions that stir your soul, if you want to explore these and more issues that impact directly on your wellbeing, you are invited to join my new online Practical Wellbeing – 7 Simple Steps to Self-Care.  Click here for more information.