|
What’s the longest you have every waited for anything?
Do you remember the first concert you ever attended? I think my first was Australian Crawl, my favourite was U2 at Festival Hall (I think), before they started touring stadiums, which my best girlfriend took me to for my birthday. (We had great seats and it was a magic night. It was amazing.) Recently one of my children has just attended their first ever music concert. The tickets to see The Kid Laroi were purchased about six months ago. My child has been counting down the weeks, the days and then the hours. I’ve been listening to The Kid Laroi in the car for at least that long. They were dropped in the city to meet with friends around 5pm, lined up to get into the arena, purchased some merchandise, sat through two support acts, posted lead up photos in a private discord chat (so I didn’t see any, because I’m the mum), sat through a sound check by the act themselves and saw the clock hit start time – 9pm. And sat And waited And then at 9.35pm the show was called off due to The Kid Laroi being ill. All that waiting. I couldn’t do anything about their waiting. Life is full of waiting. You wait for concerts, wait for the RACV when your car won’t start, wait for the microwave to heat up your food… And many people seeking mental health support wait on waiting lists. How long does it take to take an appointment with a psychologist? Just this week a client said they have been told to expect a year’s wait to get into a psychologist. Now this has been the most extreme example, but I regularly receive calls from people saying they’ve been told to ring around as they will need to wait months and months before being able to get help. This is problematic in so many ways. For a start, it’s simply not true. Whilst there are clinicians who are booked out in advance, many more aren’t. And while it’s really hard waiting for an artist who doesn’t show, it’s much harder sitting on a waiting list when you need support. At Positive Young Minds I do not run a waiting list. How and why? Two main reasons. It's not helpful for my clients, and it's not helpful for me. If you've been advised to go on a waiting list, here are four questions to ask. Four questions to ask before going on someone's waiting list If have rung a clinic and they have said you can go on a waiting list, here are some questions to ask.
And a really important point to remember - you do not have see the person you have been referred to. Now, there may be a valid reason why a specific practitioner has been recommended. They may be very knowledgeable and have a good success record in your particular area of concern. Always check with your referrer first. However, in many cases there are other practitioners who would be equally competent. What is important is a clinician's area of interest and experience, not so much their label. So, if you have a referral and only been given one referral option perhaps ask your referrer for more recommendations. You can also search on Google, go to a database like Psychology Today, use an availability list or ask for recommendations from friends. Waiting for many things is often inevitable. but sometimes waiting for mental health support may not be necessary. And when it is, respectful communication and clear expectations and understanding are important. What's been your experience with looking for mental health support, maintaining a waiting list, or being on a waiting list? Email me I'd love to know. Chat soon Kim I've been watching Parental Guidance on Channel Nine. I wasn't going to, but I can't help myself. It's fascinating as parents to have a peek in to how other parents do it. Let's face it, parenting is a bit of a competitive sport. Unfortunately, just like real sport you don't get a medal for competing. There are winners and losers, and least publicly. One thing I noticed watching Parental Guidance is that most of the children are really well behaved. On a whole they seem neurotypical with developmentally appropriate development, some of them are very confident or smart, or attractive or all three. In other words, they are picked to present well on TV. And they're on TV, so that makes sense. And the parents are articulate and curious - picked for TV. So, by all means, enjoy this show and other parenting shows, but remember it is reality TV, not real life. It is set up, simulated, scripted etc. In real life, parenting can be really tough, much tougher than on TV. . Parenting is hard. Often your child’s actions, difficulties, emotional challenges, success, failures, developmental progress, scholastic progress, friendships, physical appearance etc are on public display. Out there for all to judge. And your responses and reactions are out there in public as well. There is always a gaggle of people waiting to give you advice, and a mountain of social media posts to compare yourself against, and books and experts to scavenge through. You can literally turn yourself inside out working out what type of parent you are, what else can you do, what are you doing wrong? Let me tell you a secret, it doesn’t matter that you don’t have a parenting style. It doesn't matter that you can’t fit yourself into one of the categories that people love to use – helicopter parent, tiger mum, free range, disciplinarian, or any of the other myriad of categories that currently exist. Ignore the parenting expertsYes there is advice on what styles of parenting are shown to be more effective, and it updates as research evolves. But this is always general advice, population best practice.. The experts don’t know you and your family. Your unique needs and your unique children. Stop trying to measure yourself against other parents. Stop reading the parenting books. Start listening to yourself. Let go of your parenting guilt and shameIf you are giving your love, turning up, showing respect, being there to listen, to be with…you are doing your very best. THIS DOES NOT GUARANTEE A SMOOTH, TROUBLE FREE RELATIONSHIP. But know, if your mother-child journey is bumpy, unexpected, heart wrenching or disruptive Know that you have still done enough. And it’s not your fault. No-one is to blame. Ask for helpYou may need extra support, in fact I strongly encourage you to reach out for support if the bumps are too high to navigate on your own,
Get support, whether it be through parent coaching, parenting training, employing help, or asking family or friends to help out. Ask for what you need, and understand and really accept that asking for help does not mean you have failed. It's OK, in fact it is often necessary to have someone to walk beside you on your parenting journey; and it can make such a difference. The most satisfying part of my work is hearing parents tell me how relieved they are when they realise it's OK to change expectations, it’s OK to accept and embrace their child’s differences, and that when they look at their child’s behaviour with a different perspective things can start to shift. Knowing yourself, knowing your child, tuning in and understanding your emotions and your feelings this creates a sound base on which to work on your relationship and continue to support your child as best they can to manage all the tricky feelings, changes, and challenges they are experiencing. If you practice this mindful response to parenting, and respect what both you and your child need, you will develop your unique style and connection. Chat soon Kim Psychologists and psychology clinics with immediate availability for Telehealth consultations.17/9/2021
Accessing mental health support in Australia can be complex. However, it is not true that all psychologists have big waiting lists and you can’t see anyone for six months. Additionally, I acknowledge that accessing private psychologists is only one part of the mental health industry, albeit an important one, and there are many other professionals providing counselling in the mental health industry. Mental health support can also be provided by counsellors, accredited mental health nurses and social workers. a range of mental health professionals. Although the following list includes mainly psychologists, you will find some contact details for other mental health professionals, e.g. counsellors, accredited mental health nurses and social workers will be included in the below listings. It can be difficult working out your needs and finding support that is a good fit and you may need to try more than one professional. You may also need to be flexible to access private mental health care particularly in terms of times of appointments, but I encourage you not to give up before you begin your search for support. The opening up of telehealth as a mode of delivering therapy means you are able to access any therapist in Australia. Why do some psychologists have vacancies? Many psychologists choose not to keep waiting lists and therefore vacancies occur with regularity as clients finish treatment. Vacancies occur due to a wide variety of reasons including clinics expanding their personnel or hours, a change in treatment modality e.g. a focus on brief therapy, and new psychologists entering the system. There also tend to be more vacancies available in the middle of the day. The availability of vacancies is a fluid situation, however, it can be difficult for potential clients, for other psychologists, and for referring bodies, to know where they can find psychologists who have vacancies. The following is a list of clinics and clinicians who have immediate availability (within the next four weeks). These clinicians will not place you on a waiting list. If you contact any of the clinics listed below and there are no vacancies, please let me know as soon as possible How much does it cost to see a therapist The cost of appointments will vary. Clinicians on this list are able to set their fees at a price they choose. You do not need a referral to see any of the below clinicians. However, if you have a valid medicare referral, you are able to claim the appropriate medicare rebate. This does not mean you will receive a free service. Please note there are no medicare rebates to help with the cost of seeing a Counsellor. The information listed has been provided by the psychologist or clinic owner. Where available, information on the age of clients seen, and areas of major interest by the Psychologist/mental health professional, have been noted. The author of this article takes no responsibility as to the information provided. All responsibility is on you as the reader to explore the information and make your decision as to whether you wish to make a booking or referral. Clinics and clinicians with availability for telehealth appointments for clients. *Updated 26th July 2022 *Positive Young Minds www.positiveyoungminds.com.au. Phone: 0408533515 Kim Ross (Psychologist) Ages: Children under 12. Parents. Presentations: Working with children and parents who are wanting to improve emotional regulation, connection, sleep, anxiety, and anger. Investigation into emotional, learning and behavioural difficulties and assessments (not Autism). Parenting consultations. Neurodivergent and NDIS welcome. Dymond Psychology Sarah Dymond (Psychologist) info@dymondpsych.com.au Phone:0435067900 Ages: 18+ Presentation: OCD, anxiety, GAD, perfectionism, procrastination Cognitive Consultancy Company Dayle Johnson (Psychologist) cognitiveconsultancycompany.com.au Phone: 03 8652 1903 Ages: 18+ Presentations: A broad range of presentations including: Substance dependence/ use (alcohol and other drugs); Anger modulation, Anxiety, Cognitive assessments (WAIS; WISC). SB Psychology Srolic Barber (Psychologist) www.srolicbarber.com Phone: 0405714262 Ages: 18+ Presentations: ADHD, Anxiety, OCD, Self-Esteem, Relationship Issues. Holistic Psychology and Counselling http://www.holistic-psych.com.au/. Phone: 0450456610 Presentation: Sees a broad range of presentations include depressive and anxiety disorders, trauma, relationships and sexual issues. Ages: Adolescents 13+ Abstract Allied Health Connie Reed www.abstractalliedhealth.com Phone: 0481345650 Ages: 5+ Sees a broad range of presentations including mental health problems, attachment and trauma, parenting, relationships and learning and cognitive difficulties. Ryan Montoya-Val (Psychologist) Awake Psychology www.awakepsychology.com.au/ Phone: 02 6188 7388 Ages: Adolescents (13+), young adults and adults A broad range of presentations including anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorders and psychosis related disorders. Elise Girdham Psychology www.elisegirdhampsychology.com/ Phone: 0434 747 609 Ages: 18+ Presentations: depression, anxiety, life transitions, self esteem, perfectionism Gamze Abramov Love Work Play Psychology https://loveworkplaypsychology.com.au Phone: (02) 90544478 Ages: 16+ Presentations: Anxiety, depression, relationship issues, self-esteem. Newton Psychology www.naominewton.com Phone: 0412227455 Naomi Newton (Psychologist) Ages: Across the Lifespan Presentation: Tics, Tourette’s Syndrome and OCD. Hawkesbury Trauma Counselling Centre 0414236035 Louise Walsh (Psychologist, Credentialed Mental Health Nurse, Certified Midwife, Trauma Somatic Psychotherapist, Perinatal Mental health Specialist) Presentations: Women’s perinatal mental health and trauma. The Moodspace Psychology www.themoodspacepsychology.com.au. Ages: 18+ Presentations: A broad range of presenting issues including anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, depression and mood-related disorders, PTSD, trauma, stress. Internal Sunshine www.internalsunshine.com.au Ages: 4+ Presentations: We work with neurodiverse clients, with anxiety presentation, and depression, and we provide neurodiverse assessments and SLD assessments. Part of which can be conducted via telehealth. We have clinicians who speak Hindi, Punjabi and Urdu. Dr Rachel Abramson (Psychologist) Rachel Abramson & Associates www.rachel-abramson-and-associates.com.au Phone: 0418149506 Ages: adults and older adults Presentations: Anxiety, PTSD, Depression, Grief, Vocational Rehabilitation Kylie Dickers (Psychologist) Amparo Psychology www.amparopsychology.com.au Phone: 0452319622 Ages: 16+ Presentations: Broad range of presentations including clients experiencing depression, anxiety, work related stress, relationships difficulties, grief/loss. Particular experience working with clients experiencing/recovering/at risk of domestic and family violence Rachel Kleinman (Psychotherapist and Bereavement Practitioner) https://www.indialogue.com.au/practice/rachel-kleinman/ Phone: (03) 91916726 Ages: all ages for grief and loss Presentations: Grief and bereavement, adjustment difficulties, transition to parenthood, relationship issues, anxiety and depression Nicole Skermer (Psychologist) www.treeviewpsychology.com.au. Phone: 0407283473 Ages: 18+ Presentation: depression, anxiety, stress, sleep issues, relationship issues Camilla Nova (Psychologist) Awake Psychology www.awakepsychology.com.au/ Phone: 02 6188 7388 Ages: Children (5+), adolescents, and adults A broad range of presentations including anxiety, child and adolescent psychology, school issues and parenting skills. Fiona Stevens (Mental Health Social Worker) Awake Psychology www.awakepsychology.com.au/ Phone: 02 6188 7388 Ages: Adolescents (14+) and adults. A broad range of presentations including anxiety, depression, trauma, stress, and substance dependence Zoe Markopoulous, (Psychologist) Catalyst Psychology www.catalystpsychology.com.au Phone: 0468637413 Clients 8-25 years Presentation: anxiety, depression, parenting, developmental & learning disorders, social issues Sheida Badiee, (Psychologist) Catalyst Psychology www.catalystpsychology.com.au Phone: 0468637413 Clients 16 years + Presentation: sees a broad range of presentations Rushi Witharange, (Psychologist) Catalyst Psychology www.catalystpsychology.com.au Phone: 0468637413 Clients 8 years + Presentation: anxiety, depression, parenting, developmental & learning disorders, social issues The Psychology Hub www.thepsychologyhub.com.au Phone: 1300366614 Sandy Poovannan (Counsellor) Ages: 8+ years Broad range of presentations The Psychology Hub www.thepsychologyhub.com.au Phone: 1300366614 Care Collopy (Art Therapy/Counsellor) Ages: 5+ years Broad range of presentations The Psychology Hub www.thepsychologyhub.com.au Phone: 1300366614 Dr Rachel Sluis (Psychologist) Ages: 6+ years Broad range of presentations The Psychology Hub www.thepsychologyhub.com.au Phone: 1300366614 Ashlee Wells (Psychologist) Ages: 18+ years Supports neurodiverse (Autism and ADHD) as well as Anxiety and Depression The Psychology Hub www.thepsychologyhub.com.au Phone: 1300366614 Amy Foley Ages: 12+ years Presentation: Assessment ASD and ADHD; therapy - Anxiety, Depression, And supports Autism and ADHD The Psychology Hub www.thepsychologyhub.com.au Phone: 1300366614 Sha Okan Ages: 18+ Presentation: Broad Range of Presentations I encourage you to share this list information widely so that it reaches people who are looking for Telehealth appointments with a psychologist or other mental health professional. Reaching out to get help is a difficult process for most people. If you are reaching out and finding it hard to find someone who feels right, please don't give up. And if you need urgent help remember that private psychologist are NOT crisis support services. If you require immediate assistance please contact 24/7 crisis lines: - Lifeline (13 11 14) - Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) If you require emergency support please dial 000 (within Australia). I encourage you to share this list information widely so that it reaches people who are looking for Telehealth appointments with a psychologist or other mental health professional. Reaching out to get help is a difficult process for most people. If you are reaching out and finding it hard to find someone who feels right, please don't give up. And if you need urgent help remember that private psychologist are NOT crisis support services. If you require immediate assistance please contact 24/7 crisis lines: - Lifeline (13 11 14) - Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) If you require emergency support please dial 000 (within Australia). Chat soon Kim Ross Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Essential Self-Care for Psychologists. www.positiveyoungminds.com.au. ps. If you are a psychologist or mental health clinician who sees clients under Medicare, you can register your interest to be included on The Availability List. pps. If you are a psychologist looking for ways to take care of yourself, you are invited to download a copy of my Five Top Strategies to Survive and Thrive as a Psychologist.  Are you struggling to keep it all together? We are going to be living with the impact of COVID-19 in one form or another for the foreseeable future. Coping with anxiety, psychological distress caused by COVID-19 is significant challenge. And then there are the more practical challenges, like trying to keep work and home separate. Are you working out of your bedroom, or your living room, or side by side with your children at the kitchen table? Creating work-life boundaries is a key to preventing burnout, but how on earth do you keep your work and home separate in the middle of pandemic? At the start of the first lockdown last year caused by COVID19 pandemic, I decided to switch permanently to working with clients online. Like many of your, since then I've found myself at home, with my children, a lot. On top of managing work, there's also managing changing conditions of children's education, and everybody's mental and physical health. I threw myself into work as a coping mechanism. Part of this was not knowing when the lockdown was going to end and making the best of not being able to do much else. However, this was not the healthiest option; hello COVID kilos and my mind going stale. Something had to shift. Now my priorities are a little different. I rely on four key strategies: acceptance, taking control, leaning into mindfulness, and active self-care. I use the flexibility of work-life boundaries to better balance work and everything else. Because life is still there, it just looks a little different. BOUNDARIES ARE A STATE OF MIND Boundaries have always been a state of mind. At work you have environmental cues and barriers such as an office, a time clock, and a meeting room. However, there is more to boundaries than walls and a clock. Seepage of stress between home and life is not just about bringing work home, being on call or checking work mails after hours. For working mums in particular, it’s always been about compartmentalising thoughts, and perhaps the guilt that often comes with not being able to do two roles (mother and worker) at the same time. Home thoughts at work may include: What am I making for dinner? How is Chelsea going on childcare, I hated to leave her crying? How do I let my boss know I have an appointment next Wednesday? Do we have enough money to pay the bills? Or ruminating on an argument with your partner, a personal medical problem, or daydreaming about your holiday. At home it’s wondering when you are going to be able to finish a report. Thinking about whether you should change jobs, or why you weren’t invited out to lunch with your peers.  FOUR KEYS TO KEEPING YOUR COOL WHEN WORKING AT HOME DURING A PANDEMIC Although creating work-life boundaries is important to prevent burnout, work and life have never fitted into neat little exclusive packages. Managing the extent and intrusion of thoughts from one role to another is the key. This involves a level of awareness, self-compassion and task attention. The myth of multi-tasking has been well and truly busted. Productivity comes from concentrating on one important thing at a time. The keys to maintain work-life boundaries when working at home in a pandemic is accepting your situation, controlling what you can, practicing mindfulness, and active self-care. 1. ACCEPT YOUR SITUATION Accept that it is generally impossible to ideally separate work from life in these current circumstances.
2. CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN Identify what you can control and what you can't control.
Just because you can be flexible with your time does NOT mean you need to be available all hours of the day.  3. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS Cultivate a mindfulness mindset
4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF You matter..
 When you aren’t physically seeing colleagues, going into work, chatting to your train buddies or engaging in many of the incidental contact we take for granted, intentional connection is necessary. IN CONCULSION
Working from home was sold as the dream. Flexibility, working in your pyjamas, being able to go out for coffee. A dream. However, the reality of working from home, in a pandemic, during lockdown is no-one’s idea of a dream. Maintaining a distinction from work and life is hard, particularly when you don’t have a she shed and your children are remote learning. Accepting your situation, controlling what you can, practicing mindfulness and engaging in active self-care, are keys to maintaining your work-life boundaries . Doing all these things is not going to magically change working from home back into a dream, but it can make working from home during a pandemic less stressful. What are some of your best working from home tips? Thank you for reading. If you have found this article useful, please share with someone who it might help. Until next time, take care of yourself. Kim Ross (Dunn) Psychologist | Fierce Self-Care Advocate. ps If you need some fierce self-care join our Mindful Wellbeing Community and get helpful tips and support direct to your inbox. Are you struggling with keeping your work and home life separate and preventing burnout? I share my top 9 strategies to help you create strong workplace boundaries to help maximise work-life balance and prevent burnout. You face numerous stressors as a psychologist. These include administration overload, isolation, compassion fatigue, Imposter Syndrome, dealing with grey ethical issues and workplace bullying. However, you can minimise the risk of burnout and create a sustainable, thriving career using an intentional self-care approach. One powerful self-care strategy is having clear work-life boundaries. Staying in control of your work-life balance and protecting your time, energy and values is an ongoing process. The following strategies can help you create boundaries to maximise your work-life effectiveness and prevent occupational burnout.
 9 Strategies to help you confidently create your work-life boundaries. Strengthening work-life boundaries requires you to take a mindful approach. The 9 strategies below challenge you to examine your current situation and take practical steps. Let's get started. 1. Identify what matters most to you Finding the confidence to set and protect your boundaries is difficult, particularly for early career psychologists. Certain boundaries in a work setting are clear. These include legal, professional and some ethical boundaries. Other boundaries are more flexible and negotiable. Where you choose to place these boundaries is influenced by your needs, beliefs, resources, and intentions After you consider legal and ethical requirements that come with being a psychologist, it’s time to consider your values. As a professional you have many decisions, including who you work with, what you charge, when you work, what modality you use, what resources you buy, how you want to work.
If you’re not clear about your boundaries, spending time reflecting on your value is an important step. 2. Identify recurring stressors Make time for regular reflection and bring awareness to your current work situation. How do you feel when you:
The above are some potential areas of recurring stressors that contribute to workplace burnout AND opportunities or threats to your boundaries. Identifying recurring stressors are a good place to stop and think about your boundaries.
Too much incongruence between your values and those of your workplace will create a situation where your boundaries feel under constant attack. 3. Clarify role expectations It’s clear from my conversations with other psychologists that role expectations vary, often dramatically, between workplaces. And the lines between being a subcontractor or employee can be blurred. One clinician stated that at "My other clinic I feel confused by, in terms of am I an employee or a contractor. It feels quite grey, rather than black and white, which leaves me at times confused as to accountability and responsibility and who is managing the risk". Legal advice on whether you are an employee or a subcontractor is recommended. And then this helps the next step, of fully clarifying your contract details. Read your contract and position description. Write down your interpretation of what the contract means. Check your interpretation with your employers understanding. Work through ambiguities. If you are employed, check it with any relevant legislation including workspace, and think about asking a lawyer to check through it as well. Areas to ensure you understand include who is responsible for areas such as
Outside of work, do people in your life understand what you do?
My other clinic I feel confused by, in terms of am I an employee or a contractor. It feels quite grey, rather than black and white, which leaves me at times confused as to accountability and responsibility and who is managing the risk".  4. Set realistic expectations of your time and energy Remember that drive to impress when starting out? The need to do more to quiet you inner Imposter Syndrome? It’s not sustainable. Do you want to be working these hours, taking on these responsibilities in two years’ time? If you don’t, stop setting up unsustainable expectations. Whilst flexible boundaries are important in helping you adjust to the changing demands that are part of managing the ebb and flow that is work-life balance, there comes a tipping point. This occurs when your mindful decision to do more, to bring work home, to talk about work at home, becomes less of a choice and more of a reflection of a loss of control about keeping work-life separate. This seepage is an indicator that you are slipping towards overwhelm and burnout. Think about your current individual situation.
The digital time black hole The time spent reading, organising and responding to emails is estimated to take hours each day It is a big productivity drain. If you want to check for yourself you can track your time and see for yourself how much time and energy you take with this task. Digital time drains include engaging in tasks such as responding to emails / phones and texts from your workplace and/or clients outside of hours.
If the digital world is overwhelming, a regular digital declutter can help. 5. Make Imposter Syndrome your best business buddy The imposter is that pesky voice in your head that tells you that you aren’t good enough, you don’t know enough, you can’t do that, even when there is plenty of evidence to the contrary When that pesky voice is driving you to do more, to be more, this has a direct impact on your time and energy levels. It can mean putting your hand up to do things that aren’t your responsibility to prove something to yourself and others. It can mean putting in extra hours so you know just what to say and do in the next session with a particular client. You can flip this though. When Imposter Syndrome is reframed to be the quiet voice of questioning and curiosity it can be your best business buddy. Sit down and listen to it and let it guide you into doing a reality check.
As a bonus, the Imposter Syndrome can help test out the congruence of your workplace setting as well as strengthen your interpersonal boundaries. Identifying people you trust can result in lowering your boundaries in some areas and lifting them in others.
6. Own your diary You are a limited resource. No matter how hard you work, there is still only 24 hours in a day. Use your diary as a tool. Mark in your self-care time, and any other time that is important to you. Mark in your holidays. Don't let admin fill your diary out until the end of the year without breaks. Do that client audit and work out how many client hours you are doing a week. Is this sustainable? During times of crisis many psychologists report a need to ‘step up’ and do more for their community. Whilst this may be sustainable in the short term, it can create a chronic lack of control over work-life imbalance leading into burnout.
Whilst flexible boundaries are important in helping you manage the changing demands that are part of the ebb and flow of work-life balance, there comes a tipping point  7. Have clear work policies and procedures Your work setting will have these policies and procedures. Official policies include, but are not limited to, missed appointments, working with separated parents, social media, how you communicate with clients etc. However, there are likely to be gaps. And if you are a solo psychologist, you will be creating your own policies and procedures. Create your policies to not only include necessary legal, professional and ethical obligations, but to also prioritise your self-care. Think about:
Even though you are only one person, having established policies helps you create and maintain work-lifeboundaries. They add clarity for both you and your clients and help you avoid the stress of making decision making on the run). *As a note - people do sell their policies. They take time to develop and it is rude to ask people to share them for free. 8. Establish a work-life transition process Having a mindful routine that helps delineate work from home is helpful in letting your mind know that work is done for the day. Being able to rest from work demands is essential in maintaining control of your work-life balance. Some strategies include:
Do you have a favourite transition strategy?  9. The five allies you need to defend your boundaries After you have set boundaries congruent with your values and designed to honour your time, energy and what matters to you, it’s then up to you to defend them. Broken boundaries can be subtle. Although the impact of stress is often cumulative it can take one thing to make you realise that you have lost that sense of control you once had over your work and home life, leading to exhaustion, resentment and burnout. Many factors go into why your boundaries become porous, why you say 'Yes' instead of 'No'. Interfering factors include Imposter Syndrome, compassion (and lack of self-compassion), overt and covert pressure, workplace culture, financial considerations, lack of clear policy and procedures, guilt, and an inability to prioritise self-care. Your five best allies in defending your boundaries are:
CONCLUSION
Maintaining control of your work-life boundaries to avoid slipping into overwhelm and burnout takes effort. It means getting intentional about your self-care. The encroaching of work demands into your personal time, energy and what you hold important ranges from very clear breaching through activities such as workplace bullying and exploitation, to more insidious and subtle practices. Without a preventative and proactive self-care approach you are placing yourself at risk. Creating clear boundaries is one of the key self-care strategies. Use the questions and reflections in this article as a guide to help you prevent occupational burnout and improve work-life harmony. OVER TO YOU I’d love to hear your experience of work boundaries and burnout. Is it the digital time suck, the weight of Imposter Syndrome, or the exhaustion of trying to work out the essential from the non essential administration tasks? Or something else? If you found this article useful please share. Until next time, take care of yourself Chat soon Kim ps If you are ready for some self-care support I'd love to help as you honour your own needs and turn up as your best self for your clients without sacrificing your health and wellbeing, I'd love to help. On Saturday afternoon I sat down to watch the North Melbourne versus Brisbane Lions AFL game. As I like to do I wanted to follow SuperCoach* scores on a particular website.
SuperCoach* is a competition where you are given $10,000,000 at the start of the AFL season and choose a team of players who you think are going to play well. Each player is allocated a price, so picking your team is about choosing a balance of great players, good players and the unknown. You are allocated into a league where you compete against others on a head to head basis to win (based on how well your players score). I like playing it during the season, riding the ups and downs and generally berating myself for making poor choices. It’s a constant exercise in frustration tolerance and self-forgiveness. Back to Saturday afternoon. Whilst the game was on I was keeping an eye on how my SuperCoach team was going. The website I was following was being very glitchy, and I was becoming quite frustrated as the scores on the website for the players were not matching. I also could see that some of the players in the team were not showing up on the website, despite numerous attempts at reloading the website. Despite this it was a great game. Toward the end of the game (about two hours later) my son came in from his man cave. He sat down, looked at the game, looked at me and said Mum, you realise this game is a replay. He then pointed out how some of the players were now playing for other teams, one was suspended and not playing in the real life game that I was actually not watching. The penny dropped. It wasn’t the website that was wrong. It was all me. I had been lulled into the fact that it should have been a live game, because the replay had the live label up in the corner. They were the right teams playing, it’s just the game was about three years old. Takeaways? I was not mindfully watching. I was watching for interest in the game, but they are not teams I usually follow. Now admittedly I was also reading and doing a couple of other things at the same time as watching the football, but how did I get it so wrong? Bias, perspective. I saw what I thought I was seeing. I looked at the live label, looked at the teams that were playing and thought I ‘should’ be watching the game. I am currently watching games on the Kayo App which for various reasons I found sometimes difficult to navigate, and thought I had pressed on the button for the current game. So, in my mind I was watching the right game, and everything else went through that lens. The fact that the website figures didn’t match the game, the fact that the website didn’t have all my players on it (because they weren’t actually playing!). This evidence was dismissed because it didn’t match my currently held belief – that I was watching a live game. If I had tuned my attention fully I would have realised what was going on. If I had actually tuned into my common sense I would have realised what was going on. If my mind had been clearer and not full of everything else I was thinking of. Because I rarely sit for two hours and watch a game of football – it is interspersed with other tasks. When it was pointed out to me, it was so obvious. Duh! Isn’t this the way with so much. You see what you expect to see, what you want to see and dismiss evidence to the contrary. In fact you gather evidence (consciously and subconsciously) to support your own belief. This is also known as confirmation bias. In my case, it was that the website had been glitchy and couldn’t be trusted. The power of the mind to convince us of things that just aren’t true! Ok, don’t leave me hanging here. I know I’m not the only one that does things like this. We all do it. When was the last time you fiercely gathered evidence to prove you were right, when you were actually wrong? What to do about it? Situations like this are a great reminder of the importance of living mindfully. To be aware of incongruences and to take the time to explore. They are also a reminder that perhaps it’s time to focus cognitive self-care and nourish your brain. Slowing down a little, taking the time to actively look for a different perspective, realising when your brain is stuck, allowing that other possibilities exist, are all important for your brain health. (If I'd taken the time to go through some basic problem solving steps, I’m sure the brainstorming part would have thrown up the option that I was watching the wrong game.) As is realising your humanity and be able to laugh at the silly things you do from time to time. I had a great laugh at my own expense as I realised what I had done, rather than add to any stress by beating myself up for being so stupid. Ways to Love your Mind You can tune in this week to the Creating Connection podcast where I will be talking about Loving your Mind, and in particular problem solving. But in the meantime you can catch up with my most popular episode this year – 9 keys to successful habit creation. Until next time, take care of yourself. Kim xx Are you loving and thriving in your work as a psychologist at the moment? Or are you struggling and feel like you're moving through quicksand? Or maybe somewhere in between?
Wherever you are, that's OK. I know that prioritising yourself, making hard decisions around self-care and saying NO can be difficult. Particularly now where there is a continuing increase in demand for mental health services as people struggle with the ongoing impact of COVID19. You want to be of service. You need clients and you need to work. However, you also need a sustainable business. Squeezing in an occasional extra client or going without a lunch break once in a blue moon happens for many reasons. Doing this on a regular basis starts to add up. Without appropriate counterbalances, work overload often catches up with people in the end. And then the overwhelming exhaustion, cynicism and poor productivity impacts on you, your clients and the profession. You can come back from this, people do. But recovery time is not measured in days or weeks, it is sometimes measured in years. Depending on the source of burnout, it can be exhibited in leaving employment, career change, early retirement, retraining, and/or withdrawal from direct client services. When you look at it like this, do you really NOT have enough time for self-care? What makes taking care of yourself difficult? There are many factors involved in making prioritising self-care difficult.
However, the reason most people give for not engaging in self-care is that they "ran out of time" or "I didn't have enough time". Hmmm.... Yep, no.... that's not it. Here are four real reasons why you say you don’t have enough time. 1. Your current values and priorities don’t allow this task to fit. Life can become full of anything you choose. Work, study, children, children’s activities, gym, coffee dates, meetings, etc etc. There is no shortage of things you can do. Hard question alert. Q: Is what you are currently doing congruent with what is most important to you? 2. You're worried about looking stupid. It takes commitment to change your habits so that looking after yourself comes first. What about if you try this change and it doesn’t work out? Then you've wasted your limited time and resources. Your thoughts can also include self-chastisement in that you should already know how to look after myself. 3. You've bought into the busyness myth . In a world where being busy is seen to be a badge of honour, “I’m just too busy. I don’t have enough time” has become a default. It’s easier than saying ”I know I should do that, but I actually don’t want to/it’s too hard for me at the moment/I don’t like it/I’m ignoring all things people at the moment/etc” How about trying to be super honest (at least with yourself) about what you really want to say. Here are some alternatives
4. You don’t love yourself enough. This can be hard to hear. Whether it is because you are putting your needs last out of habit, or, you genuinely believe you are not as deserving as others. If you find yourself saying, Oh, I don't have time to sit and meditate for five minutes, I'll just take 10 minutes for lunch time because I have a report to write, I don't have time to prepare a healthy meal. I don't have time to go for a walk. I don't have time to journal. I don't have time to X, whatever it is. If these are common responses to decisions you are making, firstly look at the three points above, but then look at what you are saying about your relationship with yourself. You are worth it. Okay. You need it. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to your family. You owe it to your clients. What you can do about reducing your busyness. You ARE a limited resource. No matter how hard you work, there is still only 24 hours in a day. Shifting your boundary fences to extend your clinic hours, adding on a new extra- curricular activity for your child, taking on extra clients, volunteering, pushing through…..can be a slippery slope to burnout. I've been there, I've said yes to doing more and more because my clients needed it. When what I needed was to say NO and spend more time with my young family. Another hard question alert Q: What do you need to say NO to? What next? When you investigate what's behind your claim of “I don't have enough time”, it can be confronting. However, it's a great place to start. You HAVE to look at your priorities and values. And if you don't, if you just keep saying it and not change anything, nothing's going to change. You might find that you start to feel resentful and neglected. As the demands pile on and you are not taking care of yourself, you may start to hate your life, crave for things that just aren't there. Burnout may start to creep up on you. So, take “I don't have enough time” as your cue to dig deeper, examine your beliefs, your priorities, to engage in honest communication, and to work on removing those barriers that stand between you and your self-care. There is no doubt that some seasons of your life, some days, are much harder than others. Knowing what self-care you need and how to integrate it into your daily life can make the world of difference to you, You're worth it. Chat soon Kim ps If would love to have some support in making self-care an essential part of your career, I'd love to help. I had my first dose of the AstraZeneca vaccination yesterday.
I understand why some people will not be vaccinated and for others why it’s such a difficult decision to make. Reading social media, or even print media, you could be excused that it’s as simple as taking sides. Vaccinations are good, vaccinations are bad. But life is never really as simple as we would like it to be. When my first child was due to have their vaccinations as a baby I seriously did not know what to do. Although the vaccinations they were having were well established, there was a small risk associated with them. There were also very loud voices of anti-vaxxers, particularly with regard to the believe that Autism was related to having vaccines. Your brain is designed to keep you alive, to protect you from danger. When there is a threat, or a perceived threat, your mind evaluates the threat and if deemed necessary it switches to a stress response – usually described as fight, flight or freeze. Being an anxious first time mum, my brain went into evaluation stage. I read everything I could, spoke to all the experts I knew and made a decision. I went ahead with the vaccinations, but spaced the viral load out. I split the vaccines instead of having my children receive them all at once. Currently, most of us can recite what threats having a COVID-19 vaccination poses. For me with the AstraZeneca it is dying from a clot. And even though the scientific evidence states that the risk is something like 1 in 800,000 (less than the contraceptive pill, and I survived being on that) the side of my brain that wants to keep me safe says”
Because you cannot deny that this vaccination is something new. It feels rushed. Because no other vaccine has undergone so much public scrutiny you read about all the problems that have occurred in clinical trials. All of these factors combine to create fear and doubt.
Governments and science get it wrong, frequently. For me, the decision to have a vaccination is based on protecting others around me the best I can. Being over 50 the AstraZeneca was the vaccination that I was booked in for. Having had it, I still would have preferred to have the Pfizer vaccination which has less known side effects. Side effects can appear between day 4-20, so my kind, anxious brain will be watching me like a hawk for the next three weeks. In America one in 600 people have died from COVID-19. We have been relative fortunate in Australia, but we don’t know what the next variation will bring. And if possible I do not want to contribute to passing this disease to my children, my family and friends or my clients. So, I rolled the dice and rolled up my sleeve. Let’s see what happens next. I have a question for you.
"How are you feeling right now?" Many people have no idea, or provide an automatic response like, "I'm feeling good, I'm fine." If you have difficulties with knowing how you feel, you are not alone. There are many reasons why you may not be able to easily identify what you are feeling - including the fact that many people who ask you how you are feeling, don't really care! It's just a societal nicety to get out of the way. But knowing how you are feeling IS important. Combined with knowing what you are thinking and identifying what your body is experiencing, it's one of the key ways you make sense of the world around you. This awareness is a part of living a more mindful life and taking responsibility for your overall self-care. Below are five habits or behaviours that might be getting in the way for you understanding what you are feeling. Note, I do not discuss trauma in this article, or anxiety and other mental health conditions that can cause difficulties in accessing emotions. The five habits discussed are behaviours and habits that everyone can fall into with realising it. 5 feelings habits or behaviours The first is DISTRACTION. There are so many things that distract us and take us out of ourselves on a day-to-day basis, not the least being, the 24 hour digital world we live in. Whether it be social media, watching YouTube videos, Netflix or Foxtel, there's so much you can tune into any second of the day and never have to be alone with yourself, your thoughts and your feelings. Distraction is a huge blockage that can get in the way of knowing how you really feel. Did you know that the statistics around how often people pick up their phone is amazing. It’s about once every five or 10 minutes. And the number of people who, the first thing they do in the morning is not check in with themselves, but check in with what random people are doing on Facebook or Instagram. Hands up if you can relate to either of these things. I know I definitely get hooked into this from time to time. The next three obstacles I’m grouping together and calling them REASONS. This covers justification, blame and shame. In these situations you can identify what you are feeling but you are stepping into your logical mind instead of allowing yourself the experience. In JUSTIFICATION you are explaining your feelings. For example. “Oh, I'm feeling pretty tired, but I didn't sleep real well. And you know, maybe if I've gone to bed early or I wouldn't feel quite so tired” or “I'm feeling okay today, but you know, I had time to myself and I was able to go for a walk and unlike other days where I don't get that sort of time”. BLAME is when you are attributing your feelings to what someone else did. For example, “I'm feeling really angry and it's your fault because you cut me off” or “it's your fault because you didn't do the dishes”. “I'm feeling really frustrated because they didn't ring me when they were supposed to”. So your emotion is all about what someone else did to you. I'm not saying some of these things didn't happen and some of them might not have contributed to your frustration or your anger or your happiness or whatever you're feeling. However, allowing yourself to go down this train of thought is taking you away from what you are feeling right now and interfering with your ability to experience that emotion fully. The next reasoning obstacle is SHAME. Journaling can help you find and connect with your authentic self. Have you ever felt lost? Like me, have you felt that somewhere along the way you took a wrong turn, veered of the path, or just became bamboozled with what life threw at you? It can feel like a battle to create your own space in a world that is often driven by consumerism, material success and 'progress'. However, there is a growing movement of people who know that tapping into personal and universal energy can create a sense of oneness and wholeness that transcends the artificial. Welcome to my corner of the world, where you can find practical ways to claim your own space. And you don’t have to claim this space in a huge way with lots of trumpets blaring. Confidence can be found in the quiet determination and focus actively connect with and pursue what is important to you, erect your boundaries and live your calm. When you actively move to discover what is most important to you and live a life of integrity and authenticity, you become part of the movement that is aiming to heal the world. Now, that’s exciting. There are many ways to actively connect and pursue what is important to you. Counselling, coaching, manifesting, prayer, meditation, visualisation, goal setting, intention setting, to name a few. One way of reconnecting with your authentic self is through writing, or journaling. If you have never tried tapping into the thoughts and emotions inside you in this way, I encourage you to give it a go. However, many people find there is a slight problem with this. Maybe you have experienced putting aside the time, sitting down to write....and then ....your mind goes blank. You know that your mind isn't actually blank. In fact you have 10's of 1,000s of thoughts each day. What is probably stopping you is not getting it right. Maybe you're worried about your spelling, or handwriting. Maybe you think that what you have to say is not important. Maybe when you were at school you were criticised for your writing. I encourage you to write whatever comes into your mind. Even if it is 'I can't think of anything to write', or your shopping list, what you dreamt last night, your school memories, what you would do if you won tattslotto, Set yourself a timer of 5 minutes and keep writing until it comes off. The most important thing when you first start is to create the habit of writing. To help you get started, I have created a 14 day Self-Connection journal, specifically to kickstart your journaling process. Your 14 day Self-Connection journal contains a carefully selected quote and complementary prompt for each day. You can find out more about it here https://positiveyoungminds.vipmembervault.com/.../view/9.  Do you find buying Christmas presents stressful? if you do, you are not alone! Whether it's buying gifts for adults, friends, relatives, work colleagues or your own children the list can seem never ending. It's one of the many heavy expectations you can feel at Christmas time. Below are 14 tips to help you tame that anxiety around Christmas gift shopping and reduce the stress associated with Christmas. The two key things to keep in mind when buying Christmas gifts: 🌟 It is experiences that contribute to our happiness. Not stuff! 🌟The simplest way of making gifts easier is to reduce the number of gifts you buy, and the number of people you give gifts too. General Tips to reduce Christmas Present Stress
*What is a Kris Kringle A Kris Kringle is when each person buys a gift for just one person in a group, hence reducing excess and cost. There are many variations. Names can be drawn and allocated (Secret Santa) or it can be pot luck – everyone brings a gift. If it is pot luck , here are three variations of how to distribute the gifts.
How to reduce stress when selecting children's gifts Stress around buying children's gifts comes from a range of sources - wanting to make Christmas special; being presented with a long list of items from your children; you children not knowing what they want; your children having too much stuff (read previous email about a pre-Christmas cull); not having the money to buy what you would like; trying to make up for Christmas' where you have felt disappointed; trying to make Christmas make up for the stressful year you might have had....COVID anyone??? Or maybe you really dislike making decisions and your thinking might go something like mine does on occasion - This is me looking at underwear - "how much cotton is in this?", "is it organic and/or sustainable cotton", "how much is it?" "what size are they?", "what style would they like best?" "what colour /pattern will they like?" "do they really need them?", "if I buy them this, does that mean I need to buy the others underwear as well?", "do the others need underwear?", "but I only recently bought underwear". Maybe I won't buy underwear, and then I leave the shop.... To reduce stress around buying your children gifts start by:
What to buy
🌟 Remember the law of diminishing satisfaction. The first present your children unwrap will usually give them the greatest joy. Of course, gifts are not the only potential stress at Christmas, maybe the Christmas Tree presents a dilemma for you. I've got that covered as well - with Three Tips to Reduce Christmas Decoration Stress. Chat soon Kim Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds ps This year I am having a break from the 17th December to the 11th January. If Christmas is causing you stress, book a time now for some support. There are limited spots available. *updated 6th December 2021  Each year leading up to Christmas when we ask ourselves what we want for Christmas, I find is an inspiring time to actually look at what I have. We know that if you are looking to increase the happiness in your life that putting time and energy into experiences rather than things is the way to go. However, things have a way of accumulating. Whether you have bought them with good intentions or whether they have come to you as gifts or through other means. And before you know it even things you love can just become part of ‘stuff everywhere’! Sitting back and looking at your stuff can be a great way of reconnecting with what is important to you. By curating your stuff you can creating an environment that supports your current stage of life, your current interests and is uplifting. Let’s start by looking at books. Growing up we had a set of World Book encyclopedias. I loved them. You could open up at any page and learn something new about the world. Looking at them gave me a sense of wonder and thirst for knowledge. I probably loved my fantasy books (Enid Blyton anyone?) where I went into worlds where anything and everything was possible. It’s the promise contained in books that I love. As I grew older my relationship with books became a bit more complicated. Books I had to read – school novels, reference books. Books I thought I should read – parenting books, self-help books. And instead of being always about pleasure books also became a mirror reminding me of things I didn’t understand, couldn’t learn or highlighted my inadequacies. Do you love all your books? Do you smile when you see them, refer to them regularly and rejoice in their wisdom? OR Are their books on your bookshelf that taunt you with reminders about your failures? Cookbooks full of recipes you haven’t tried. Self-help books with exercises you haven’t completed. Novels you haven’t read. Parenting books that seem to mock you. Reference books you don’t use (or are way out of date). Why are you holding on to them? Marie Kondo speaks of holding things to see if they spark joy. And it’s an exercise I do every so often. You take the books down from the shelves and hold each one. How does it feel? Do you feel inspired when you hold it? Or do you notice creeping thoughts such as I ‘should’ read that, followed by a sigh or accompanied by a self chastising ‘well that was a waste of money’. (If you have electronic books that you’ve downloaded, although you can’t hold them you can look at the titles and notice what thoughts and feelings arise.) From here you have two choices. If you feel inspired, warm, joyful when you pick up the book - make the recipes, do the exercises, read the novels. Reconnect with the reason why that book is on your shelf in the first place. OR If you feel nothing, or the weight of the ‘shoulds’, move the book on. Acknowledge your intentions when you bought the book. Thank the book for the hope it inspired, acknowledge and release any guilt or disappointment in yourself. Depending on the book you could donate them, give them to friends etc. Notice how you feel when you do this. As you remove the stuff (and fluff) from your life that no longer matters, you make space for reconnecting to what is really important to you. If you do this I would love to know what you discover. You can email me at kimdunn@positiveyoungminds.com.au.  As students are going back to school, some of the are running there and not looking back. Others are refusing to go back, and others are going back but struggling to get through the day. Wherever your child fits into the picture, they are facing change. Changes to school structure - including drop off and pick up procedures, hygiene practices and how they interact with their friends. Changes from having you around more often to not seeing you during most of the day. Changes from leisurely getting out of bed, to having to be out the door by a certain time. Changes from perhaps only to do focused work for a short period of time and then having fun/computer time, to back to being highly regulated in their activities. And change, as you know, can be difficult and worrying. One of the best ways you can help them manage this change is through providing some individual quiet time, particularly if they are used to having your attention during the day whilst remote learning. For some questions to help with conversation and some recommendations to help with calming them after school click here.  If you have ever wanted to improve your mental health you are not alone. But how? Today, I focus on busting one unhelpful myth. THE MOTIVATION MYTH If I could just feel more motivated I would be able to achieve more/look after myself better / (insert your own saying). . Motivation can be defined as an internal process that directs and maintains behaviour. It is thought to be what causes you to move towards your goals. How many times have you said “I’m unmotivated”? Which translated means – I don’t feel like doing it. I’ll let you in on a secret, you may not know - Your brain sees change as scarey. Anything that disturbs your environment and is different, your brain processes as a potential threat. It then takes mental energy to work out whether it is a threat or not. So let’s say you start with a great idea that you would love to change your life so that you were braver, calmer, fitter, healthier. You can see yourself and all that you’d be doing when you achieve that goal. And that involves change. Changing your mindset, changing your schedule, changing up your habits. So, is your brain going to take all this change lying down? NO. As much as you stand there encouraging your brain – we can do this, we’ve got this, let’s go – it ain’t going to come easily. (imagine a toddler, in the supermarket aisle, not wanting to move). So, what do you do? You need a bridge. A well constructed bridge to take you from here (frazzled, overwhelmed, exhausted) to there (in control, calmer, confident). I can tell you one thing – that bridge is not going to be motivation. It may have some motivation in there – but to work it’s going to need structure, processes, knowing how to create habits that stick, knowing what obstacles are going to pop up and what to do about them, support from friends, family and/or an accountability buddy, a clear understanding of why this change is important to YOU, an understanding of the change process and self-compassion. This is why when I teach people how to improve their mental health – to get from here to there – it’s not just one session on motivation, dust my hands and say ‘you’ve got this’, and walk away. NO. I provide education, understanding, structure and fierce support. Improving your mental health requires a considered structured approach. It takes your time, your open mindedness and your commitment. So ask yourself. What is important to you? What really matters? Give yourself permission to invest in yourself and get support to create the bridge. Until next time, take care of yourself, Kim xx Of course, if you are experiencing significant distress please contact your GP, therapist or 000. For resources that can help see - https://positiveyoungminds.vipmembervault.com  Emotions are complex. Feelings can scare you so much you can shut them down and walk through life feeling numb. Or may you live your live feeling trapped by anxiety or depression. Or spend your time chasing the euphoria that comes from happiness, and by trying to create it, miss the moments where it actually exists.
The following three factors are paramount in your emotional self-care: 1. Awareness and acceptance of your emotions; 2. Being able to express emotions in a healthy way; and, 3. Doing activities that cultivate joy/happiness. Let's talk briefly about these three factors. Very young babies communicate first through their emotions. Babies cry, scream, laugh ... way before they can talk. It is how they let others know that they have desires - for food, comfort and sleep - that need to be met. From birth individual differences are apparent in how intensely babies feel and express their emotions. Some are born screaming at the top of their lungs - ever notice that some babies don’t just cry a little bit when they are hungry, need changing or tired, they scream at the top of their lungs. Whereas others are much more contemplative and seem to take it all in their stride. . Over time as a baby learns that people will respond to their cries; as they begin first to use movement as communication, and then speech, their emotional response tends to reduce in intensity. However, the ability to express emotions varies. Emotional overwhelm (meltdowns) may occur when speech language development is delayed, when children are exhausted from not getting their needs (both real and perceived met) and/or when they are coping with high levels of stress. And so it is with adults. Have you ever noticed how much easier is to be calm and rational when you have had a full 9=8 hours restful sleep? And lastly a quick look at doing activities that cultivate happiness. To help you do this I have put some prompts below. I invite you to actively journal and write down some of your responses. Prompts 🌼When was the last time you felt happy? 🌼In whose company do you feel comfort? 🌼In what activities do you ‘flow’? 🌼When do you lose a sense of time and space and feel that you just 'are'’? 🌼Do you have something to look forward to? 🌼What excites you? 🌼Have you planned to do activities / made time for things that make you smile? 🌼Do you know when people are happiest? 🌼Have you planned to do activities / made time for things that are important to you? Research indicates that doing what is most important, pursuing a meaningful life may be the true key to happiness. It also shows that being present and fully in the moment, regardless of what you are doing is also linked to happiness.. Based on your experience, what do you think? I'd love to know. Until next time, take care of yourself Kim xx ps. If you would like to look at this further, and are curious about mindfulness, I invite you to be a part of my upcoming, Introduction to Practical Mindfulness Course. It's online, convenient and starts on the 20th April 2021.. Yesterday the roadmap was delivered to Victorians. As a Victorian living in Metro Melbourne, the roadmap was worse than I had anticipated. Worse both personally, and for the larger community. I am looking for strong forward sustainable leadership in regards to future town planning which maximises the resources available in each person’s 5 km bubble. Maybe that’s coming, but it wasn’t there yesterday. I am looking for leadership that supports family connection, and that wasn’t there yesterday. There are at least 7 weeks before I can see my parents, or any member of my family again. And at least 11 before we can come together as a whole family. None of my family are within my 5km radius. There are at least 7 weeks before my children can look at resuming a proper education – ranging from High School to University. So, yep it sucks. So yesterday I wallowed, a little bit. Something clicked in my brain and I slipped into self-sabotage mode. To me this is often a combination of not doing anything and over eating – not a healthy combination – and getting angry. If I am to name my anger, it would be disappointment, fear (the above will only happen if certain parameters are met), some envy and resentment. There will be no grand final meet up with family. If I’m going to be stuck in a 5km bubble, I want a better 5km bubble! I want a beach, or a forest, or a river walk, and/or some family! I have a lake .2 km out of my bubble. Do I risk it? In crisis it becomes the gap between the haves and the have nots - geographically, financially, emotionally, and socially becomes so apparent. In a crisis, this gap becomes a chasm. There are many of us who don't have friends who check in on us and who take the effort to make our iso birthdays something special. There are many people stuck in worse 5km radius than me. Those who don't have the money to indulge in Netflix, Foxtel, online purchasing, take away meals, or other distracting behaviours. There are many who don't have the resources or energy to get dressed each day, let alone create and finish any sort of project. And of course there are those stuck in a loveless or abuse relationship, unemployed, detoxing, the list goes on. The above, and more contribute to the anger I feel. So what, if anything, is the antidote to this anger? Do we just wait it out the best we can? Well, yes there is that but, here are a couple of things that may help Awareness first. You know those thoughts and feelings going around and around in your head, perhaps sabotaging you the way mine do? Get them out. Write them down, talk them aloud, acknowledge them, show them in the light and own them as yours. Now this is not denying that other people may have it worse. This sort of comparison does not help. This is acknowledging your hurt and your loss and all the reasons you may be feeling anger. From here there are a few options. If you have uncovered a sense of loss, hurt or suffering you may like to look at the Three Steps of Self-Compassion. You may like to channel the energy of that anger into something you can control, that fits with what is important to you. It might be writing a letter to your MP, starting a home construction/demolition project, going for a run, dancing to loud music, actively contacting (or recontacting) everyone you know in isolation to see how they are doing. Or you may wish to reconnect with a passion, a person, a therapist, a positive habit. Me? I’m taking stock (again) today. Looking at doubling down on exercise, doing something in the garden, taking pressure off myself to complete work projects and slowing down a little bit, spring cleaning the house. I’m also going to keep connecting with the people I care about and…find a new Netflix series. Vampire Diaries you’ve served me well, but you’re almost over. And, I’ve had one week off since March and am about to go and schedule in a couple more weeks when I finish this. Because, yes you can still burn out in isolation, in fact it can be even easier to do so. Where ever you find yourself day, take time to reflect on how you are really feeling, what you are really thinking and then act upon this feelings. If you would like some support with that I’m here for you. Whether that’s through self-care coaching, supervision, mentoring…simply email me at kimdunn@positiveyoungminds.com.au and we can talk about your next steps. Until next time, take care of yourself Kim Dunn xx  I was looking at old home videos today, and I noticed I really miss those days when my children were little and just wanted to be with me.
And, I also remember how isolating many of those days were. How hard it can be responding to unrelenting love and need for attention. I'm not going to tell you that one day you'll look on those demanding days and miss them, because it doesn't help. You're smart, you know this, but right now in this moment, when you just ache for some time for yourself without the guilt you feel as your youngest child runs down the driveway telling you to come back because they miss you... now is not the time to tell you you'll miss it. What I can do is help you not carry that guilt that is trying to follow you down the driveway... Having a child cry that they want you to come back, does not make you a bad mother. Having a child scream that they hate you, does not make you a bad mother. Having a child kick out at you because they don't want to be in their car seat, does not make you a bad mother. Having a child refuse to go to school, does not make you a bad mother. It sure has heck feels like it sometimes though.... I'll let you in on a secret, well it's not really a secret, but it does seem to be something that people don't talk about much. Some children are more difficult to look after than others. They're the ones who don't want to go to sleep, who don't want to eat the food you make, who are quick to anger or cry. It doesn't make you love them any less, but they are harder work. And it's OK to accept this fact. You may even find that letting go of the idea that it is your fault your children are difficult and accepting what is, helps lessen the feeling of guilt that is following you around. If this is something you struggle with, we are here to help. Simply call us on 0408533515 or email youngminds.psychology@gmail.com to book a parenting consultation and let us help you move from overwhelm to calm. And to help you get started we have created a special resource that helps you identify one of the first things you can do help reduce that feeling of overwhelm - if you don't have it yet, click here to access your First Step to move from Overwhelm to Calm.  My eldest turns 21 today. He is having a birthday in isolation. That means no -one over to celebrate, not going out with mates. He's stuck with me and his brother! It was today 21 years ago that I became a mother (yes that's me and infamous baby who didn't sleep all night until he was 5).... I'm so proud of him today and I've shared that on Facebook, but your children's birthday's are also a time for personal reflections. I look at this photo and I see how young and beautiful I looked. I was 32. Nowdays I am not so young or beautiful, but I am younger and probably more beautiful than what I'll ever be again. When I was much younger, I loved going out and dancing. Connecting, and just being with the music and the friends and strangers around me. Whether it be ‘sock hops’ at school, listening to pub cover bands, or going to bushdances. It was fun!! Then for a while, the music stopped. With the unrelenting fatigue that accompanied the jump into motherhood. There was no more dancing and the isolation of motherhood became real. The only dancing was the swaying that happened trying to soothe the babies, or the bouncing and rolling around on the Swiss ball as they were jiggled off to sleep. And then the babies grew and even the swaying disappeared…. The music changes when you become a mother, well it did for me. Suddenly you have children who depend on you, who trust you implicitly (until they become teenagers anyway) and look to you for guidance in everything they do. And often, we don’t have all the answers, we can’t fulfill all their needs, we can’t even fulfill our own needs of sleep, and that sense of failure to be perfect can lead to isolation and times of despair. So, although I had my mother and my family, and friends, I lost the music. So how do you get the music back? You start by giving yourself permission to hear it. When you embrace your imperfections, your authenticity, and follow your life rhythm you find others who resonate with you, who will support you, challenge you and join in your dance. You may find as I did, when you make a commitment to embrace your vulnerability, you create space to make new soul connections with your family, your friends, each other. It's OK, it's normal to lose the music, to get overwhelmed, to reach out for guidance and support. I've been there, swaying in the corner, waiting for it to change. I get it. Remember we are all connected, and although you may feel it at times, you are not alone. The music, the dance, the connections are there. Sometimes we just need a little help to rediscover them. And then you become older and the music and dance, and often connections, change yet again. It's time now, for me again to rediscover what the sound and the movement are for me, in this next stage of my life. Until next time, take care of yourself. Kim xx ps…. And I totally love my children, and always wanted to be a mother, and I will always be their rock and their comfort. They make my heart sing, even when I can't always hear the music. *Updated on the 24th July 2021. As my eldest child faces another birthday in lockdown, and in Melbourne we are in Lockdown 5.0, what has changed in the last 12 months? COVID lockdowns are here to stay, at least until Australia reaches a level of acceptable vaccination. Since last year debate around vaccination effectiveness has increased. The Therapeutic Goods Association (TGA) have backflipped over appropriateness of the AstraZeneca (AZ) vaccine for different age groups. Recently it was said not be to suitable for anyone under 60. This was shortly after I received my AZ vaccine (and I'm 54). No wonder you're confused. The TGA has received and reviewed 399 reports of deaths in people who have recently been vaccinated and found six that were linked to immunisation. Availability of both the AZ and Pfizer vaccines are limited. So whilst there is political debate about the reasons behind these limitations, this is overlaid with what vaccine is best for what age group, how to prioritise the groups to receive it, and are the risks worth it. Amidst the debate, I know young adults who have quietly taken matters into their own hands and received the AZ from the family GP, as they decided that was the best option for them.. Currently we are watching NSW try and contain the virus, particularly in Western Sydney. The Federal Government is still trying to explain why there are not enough vaccines. The States are trying to hurry along purpose build quarantine facilities. It's now normal to check in with a QR code wherever you go. Shop front businesses are struggling. Children are in and out of school and out of school activities. Parents are taking on and putting off their pseudo teaching hats. University students are having course completion dates extended because they can't do placements. Young adults are losing casual jobs because they can't go to work. People are looking for new fabric masks as the old ones are becoming worn out. New South Welshman are locked out of Victoria, Victorians not in the State are locked out of Victoria. The Olympics is going ahead without crowds, with 17% of athletes unvaccinated. COVID-19 and COVID lockdowns are causing emotional distress in the community and amongst individuals. How do you take care of yourself in the midst of this distress? Some initial research into the first month of COVID-19 found mental health difficulties were at least twice as prevalent as in non-pandemic circumstances. Studies into the mental health impact of COVID are ongoing, and seem to indicate that for many people once the external stress of COVID reduces, such as coming out of lockdown, levels of anxiety, psychological distress and loneliness also reduce. However for many individuals the impact is much longer lasting. WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY? In many people the presence of COVID-19 and being in the midst of a panademic triggers fear (as well as anger and sadness). At its most basic a pandemic represents a threat to life. Additionally, the presence of COVID-19 threatens your health, your liberty, your place in society, and exposes the divide between the haves and the have nots, both locally and globally. The nature of Covid-19 is accompanied by factors other than physical threat that are contributing to increased anxiety, psychological distress and loneliness in the community. These factors include loss or lack of control, the unknown, uncertainty, economic pressure and isolation; and the presence of other emotions such as sadness and anger. Loss or lack of control Having the government restrict movement is not something our society is used to, or likes. It raises questions such as of how far is this going? Is it needed? When your daily routine is changed by someone else this is very disruptive. Additionally, government control highlights societal vulnerability. Societal vulnerability and level of resources There are numerous examples of how your circumstances impact on your ability to manage Covid-19 and contribute to anxiety. I have outlined a few below
The unknown and living with uncertainty With Covid-19 you don’t know what is going to happen next. You wait each day to see what the numbers are doing. There are have many cases of unknown origin. You don’t know where the next cases are going to be found, you don’t even know when the next press conference is going to be held. You don’t know when you’ll be put into lockdown, or how long is it going to last? Even in Victoria, the Lockdown 5.0 the roadmap is still a day by day proposition. The number one question from journalists is, when are we going to get out of this? Your brain craves routine. We really are creatures of habits, and when the way you live is changed without your control it contributes to anxiety. Your thinking brain is designed to problem solve, and when it can’t do that effectively due to lack of information, or changing parameters, this creates anxiety. Not knowing when it will end and what the long term repercussions will be. Will I get my job back? When will Jobkeeper finish? When can I open my business? Am I going to lose everything? These are chronic sources of stress, leading to ongoing anxiety. Isolation Prior to Covid-19 the world was experiencing unprecedented loneliness and isolation. Although as part of Covid-19 the emphasis is on connecting people virtually, there are many, particularly vulnerable people for whom physical isolation is a significant contribution to increased loneliness.  WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FEEL ANXIOUS? When anxiety, or your fear response, is triggered your body responds on instinct. It sends you into an acute stress response. Without you thinking about it, physiological changes in the body happen that are designed to keep you safe. Once your brain identifies something as a threat to your safety, it sends a message to your adrenal glands requesting energy to take action. When your body responds a cocktail of biochemical survival hormones are released such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortisol, norepinpephrine and ephinephrine. These hormones influence everything you do, from eating and running to feeling, thinking and behaving. Your heart will start beating quicker as it pumps blood to the areas that your brain believes are needed right now, like your muscles. A rush of adrenaline causes your lungs to take in more oxygen which the heart pushes to the rest of the body. Your breathing becomes more rapid and shallow as the airway between the nose and the lungs constricts. WHAT IS THE FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE? Examples of the Fight Response Includes arguing with the government and authorities, defiance (eg breaking the law and community standards – think house parties, extended family gatherings, toilet paper hoarding, refusing to be wear masks, check in), blame, deflect, disbelief (eg conspiracy theories) increase of domestic violence, ostracization, and abuse. Examples of the Flight Response Includes people fleeing to their holiday homes. Other people may avoid all societal contact, not even going out for daily walks. Example of the Freeze Response Think stuck brain. Inability to change routines or do anything proactive. For example – binge watching Netflix, losing track of the day, not being able to adjust to current reality. WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOUR FEAR RESPONSE IS TRIGGERED? Usually when the situation that triggers the fear response disappears, your body starts to return to normal. The fear response is an emergency response and is designed for short term work. However, when a threatening situation is ongoing, like the threat of COVID-19, you can start to experience chronic stress. Without engaging in intervention, like good self-care, your feelings can start to overwhelm you. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE CHRONIC STRESS? Some of the common effects of chronic stress can include:
 HOW CAN I HELP REDUCE MY ANXIETY? Some of these factors above you can do nothing directly to change. When a threat is ongoing, without intervention your Fear Switch will keep firing and that’s unsustainable. You will end up exhausted and your mind and body energy will run out. I can’t get rid of the ongoing threat of COVID-19 or tell you when it will end, however, there are many things you can do help reduce your anxiety and general stress levels. I am going to share with you some practical strategies that you can do right now. This is where self-care is so important. Taking responsibility for your physical and mental health changes the focus away from what you can’t control to what you can control. Of course, if your level of stress and anxiety is significant please seek professional assistance. There are a number of organisations providing free support especially related to COVID-19. For places other than Victoria you can always check in with your GP as your first point of call. Reduce exposure to the news cycle.
I can’t get rid of the ongoing threat of COVID-19, or tell you when it will end, however, there are many things you can do help reduce your anxiety and general stress levels. ultivate happiness.
Focus on what you can control Look at what you can control. Your mind is a thinking machine and left to its own devices will go over and over again all the what ifs. Journalling is a great way to express your feelings and thoughts and help with clarity. Here is a journal prompt to help you get into a more positive and constructive mindset. Grab a piece of paper and pen and start to write - “I can control……”, or “I have control over….”. Aim to fill the whole page and start each new sentence with one of the prompts. Move your body To calm your body a daily walk is thoroughly recommended. I know for me Covid-19 restrictions have meant less incidental exercise., this is the exercise you do without planning for it and having to organise things. For me I have always walked when I take my children to their sport training, or watch them at activities. But their activities aren’t on at the moment. Maybe you used to walk your children to school and can’t do that anymore, or walked part of the way to work, and now you are working from home. But I want to add in dancing, because maybe you can’t walk outside for some reason, or you just want to try something different.. This you can do in short bursts at home. Make a playlist, or just play your favourite CD, album or dance without music. Let yourself really go and move to your emotions. Love your life What is important to you? How can you still access that in your current circumstances? This can require some creative thinking. What can you can do to continue your pursuit of meaning? My value of supporting people is now being expressed entirely online through telehealth, vlogs, writing, zoom meetings etc, rather than face to face. Tune into yourself Connect with yourself. When you acknowledge how you are really feeling, this is a way of releasing some of your feelings power over you. It may sound weird, but I encourage you to give it a go. You can simply say it aloud. “I am feeling worried”, “I am feeling stressed” etc. The emphasis is on saying the word feeling, rather than saying, “I’m so worried”, “I’m stressed”. Try it both ways and see how it feels. You might be scared of acknowledging how you are really feeling, OR you might be totally stuck in the feeling. Either way this strategy can help. You cannot block out just one emotion successfully. If you do, you are effectively stopping your emotional message system. You become numb and unable to experience joy and other positive emotions as well. You tend to stop caring about yourself and your needs. This is not what we want to be the legacy of COVID-19. Looking after yourself, practicing positive, practical self-care is the best way to avoid long-term mental health difficulties. Be kind to yourself How would it feel to treat yourself, talk to yourself like you were your best friend? You are doing the best you can at the moment. But sometimes we all need a bit of reminding. Actively practicing self-compassion can help reduce distress. Give it a go. IN CONCLUSION COVID19 is both an acute, and an ongoing stress. You might be experiencing psychological distress, anxiety and loneliness. Your feelings are moderated by past experiences, your resources, thoughts, feelings, knowledge, physical and mental health. They are also influenced by societal factors such as class, income, minority status. You can interrupt the stress response. You can manage your feelings, think clearer, make better decisions, prevent chronic stress conditions and keep living your best life you can. Practice nurturing tuning into yourself, loving your life, moving your body, focusing on what you can control, cultivating happiness, and being kind to yourself. Thank you for reading. If you have found this article useful, please share with someone who it might help. Until next time, take care of yourself. Kim Dunn Psychologist | Fierce Self-Care Advocate. ps 7 Mini Stress Busters is a one page download that you can stick on your fridge, and includes some of the above strategies. pps This is how I felt coming out of Lockdown 4.0. You want to look after yourself more, but seriously, who has the time (or energy) for that.
And really, what difference would it make anyway? I get it. When my children were young and didn't sleep very much self-care seemed like a luxury that I would get to , one day. I so wish I'd realised then, how incorporating little things that fitted what I was going through (no time, money or energy!) could make a difference. Did you know that every time you make a choice you lose something? It’s called opportunity cost. It’s unavoidable because you can’t be in two places at once, you can’t browse Facebook and get the dishes done, you can’t eat pizza and fish and chips and Chinese for dinner – you have to make a choice. And choosing to engage in self-care, or not….. …is no different. But first let’s take a brief detour and let me dispel a myth for you. Self-care is not all about pedicures, massages and pampering. Sure, whilst there’s no doubt that some people love this and it helps them rejuvenate themselves; it’s only one, small, aspect of self-care. Self-care is all about YOU looking after your physical and mental health. The action you take can be positive, practical and personalised. That’s the best type of self-care – finding out what you need and doing what works for you. Back to the opportunity cost of NOT prioritising self-care. Not being mindful (one of the key self-care tools) can lead to forgetfulness, missing non-verbal cues in conversations and harming connection, not being present for the best moments in the day, missing the everyday beauty around you. Not doing something that brings you joy can lead to resentment and sadness. Not practicing gratitude can lead to envy and jealousy. Not exercising can lead to depressed mood. Not reaching out to others when you are feeling lonely can lead to increased isolation and lack of connection.. Not practicing self-acceptance can lead to a feeling of not being worthy and not speaking up for yourself. Not going to the doctor can lead to undiagnosed and untreated physical illness. Not enforcing boundaries can lead to burnout and a deep sense of being taken for granted. So, in answer to the question that was posed at the start – what difference does engaging in self-care make anyway? Incorporating positive, practical, self-care strategies that reflect YOUR needs can make a world of difference to your health, your mood, your life. Now, just because it’s self-care, I really, really want to stress one thing. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. I am here to help you work out what you need, what strategies will work best for you and your circumstances, and to teach you positive, practical strategies that take very little time. Just to show you that these strategies don’t have to take long, here’s a simple one for you to try. Look up from reading this and find something that catches your eye and makes you smile. Allow yourself to focus on this feeling and the thoughts that go with it. Maybe it’s something your chid made, maybe you bought it for a special reason, or at a special place. Maybe it is just beautiful or was given to you by a special person. Then, if this thing is cluttered by other things, make space for it to shine by itself. That’s it. You have just practiced self-care. You have touched on emotional self-care, connection and meaning. You have also practiced using you Awe and appreciation of beauty muscle. If you feel inclined to send me a quick email, I would love to know how you went with this exercise. PODCAST UPDATE Ever shut up instead of standing up? Ever allowed others to shine whist dimming our own light. The world needs you to be at your best. I talk about this and what may be stopping you in the latest podcast. How to stand up instead of shutting up. What it takes to express your authentic self. Until next time, take care xx Kim Last year I wrote the below article. As our children go back to school this question is even more relevant. What plans do schools have to help children going back to school after this huge disruption to their lives? Are there adequate resources, support, and understanding?
The elephant in the room - what do we do with students with mental health difficulties? I want to start my saying that my mother was school teacher, and I grew up with a lot of respect for the good teachers, the ones who worked hard to understand and then educate their students. And I still believe that the vast majority of teachers have the best intentions, and just like our students, they do well if they can. Over the last 10 years as an independent child and adolescent psychologist I have witnessed school and teachers who do not know what to do when a student has acute and/or chronic mental health difficulties. When we look at understanding why a child is not learning well in the classroom it is not enough to look at cognitive abilities the emotional wellbeing of a student must be taken into account. In our school system there are both systemic gaps, knowledge gaps and understanding gaps. The World Health Organisation states that half of all mental health conditions start by 14 years of age and “most cases are undetected and untreated”. And “globally, depression is one of the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents” https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health. About 10-20% of adolescents experience mental health problems. In a classroom of 30 children that means 3-6 on average. In a school of 1200 that is 240 students. This is not an elephant that should be ignored and dealt with on an ad hoc basis. We may be increasing the number of counsellors and psychologists in schools, but is that helping? How far is it going? Do schools think that because a student has an appointment a session a week or a fortnight, or is seeing an outside psychologist that that is enough. I am asking these questions to school leaders, parents, teachers, mental health professionals. These are aimed at encouraging conversation. Possible answers and/or best practices to some of these topics will be addressed in future articles. For now consider the following. Knowledge and Understanding
Systemic
These and many other questions need to be answered. Let’s carry on the conversation. Whether you are a principal, a teacher, a parent or a school psychologist/counsellor/welfare worker – what is your school doing? Let’s share, what is working, what isn’t, where are the gaps in understanding, knowledge and systems. PODCASTS
As you may already know, podcasts are my go to at the moment. Whether it be catching up with the latest in psychology, business or self-development, I have a range I can choose from according to the move. Some are great for listening to in the car, some when I’m lying down resting, some for when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, and others when I’m really in the mood to learn something new. In fact, they are a perfect way for mums to learn. Some podcasts are short, some are longer, so you can pick and choose. Below is a list of my top 6 favourites at the moment, although they do change from time to time. Private Practice with Soul by Dr Brooklyn Storme. The Content 10x – Amy Woods Brand You Personal Branding – Mike Kim Marketing that Converts by Teresa Heath-Wareing Potential Psychology – Ellen Jackson Parental as Anything ABC radio. And a special shout out to two really new podcasts Phoenix Rising with Gallagher Psychology by Patricia Gallagher, and Course Creation Bites by Sam Winch And of course I love my own (because it would pretty terrible if I didn’t!) Creating Connections that Matter by Kim Dunn. Do you listen to podcasts? If you've listened to mine I would love to know what you think, and I am always interested in what you would like to hear more of, simply drop me a quick email. So, you'd like to stop feeling guilty.
If you're like me you are not short of examples where motherhood guilt popped up its head. As recently as last week I was at an all day event and about 11.30 I received a text from my youngest. It read 'Mum, where are you?' 😳😳 So, yes. I put my hand up for another vote towards the Worst Mother of the Year Award. Well, first the bad news about feeling guilty... You cant really stop it.... But.... You don't really want to. Guilt is an emotion, and like all emotions it has a purpose - it is giving you feedback and guidance on your life. It is important that you feel guilt. There are two question to ask yourself:
Have a look at these two examples.
Carrying around the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have to’ of being a mum is exhausting.
It’s not called the ‘weight’ of expectations for nothing! Expectations are things we grow up with. They create boundaries and provide guidance. For example you are expected to walk before the age of 12-15 months otherwise this is a clear sign of a problem with development. You are expected to do your homework, obey the teacher, eat your dinner etc…. A lot of expectations are in keeping with how society and families encourage behaviour and growth for the good of your development and that of the community. The broad aim is for you to become a functional human being who makes a positive contribution to society. Then there are individual family differences based on culture, religion, family structure, birth order, personality etc. As you entered adolescence you probably rebelled at many/some of these expectations, but you probably also carried many of them into adulthood. Then you become an adult, and on top of family of origin and society expectations you now have expectations from your work place and expectations from your partner, AND THEN you have children! And, if that’s not enough you also have the thick layer of consumer ‘expectations’. In a world where economic growth is still valued above all else we seem to have really internalised the ‘greed is good’ doctrine in our society. You are encouraged to buy, to have more, to be good consumers. It is an insidious expectation. So, what happens when you step back, when you become the observer, when you listen to your noticing self and see the reality of your expectations? You can see the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ for what they really are; they aren’t rules by which you have to live by, they aren’t absolute truths, they are just thoughts your mind is holding on to (sometimes in a vice like grip!). By seeing this you can you can choose to let go of expectations that have no meaning or satisfaction for you. Knowing this you can choose. I don’t know the expectations you are carrying. I do know thought, that as a mother when I brought my first baby home I wanted nothing to mar his perfection. I wanted no harm to come to him, no heartbreak, no pain… But that is wishful thinking. No matter what you do as a mother you cannot protect your child from life. In regards to other expectations you have choices. You can choose to participate in activities that you value. That bring joy to your heart and that of your family. You can choose activities that focus on kindness, gratitude, togetherness. You can choose say NO and choose to say YES. There is a lot of freedom that comes with being an adult and having so many choices to make. We might feel the heavy weight of expectations, but when we lose that weight it is not just freeing, it also exposes us and makes it vulnerable. And it can take a lot of courage to lose that weight and stride out on your own path. For when you stand as an adult in your authentic self, it can feel that you walk alone. Over time with greater confidence in your authentic self, the aloneness is replaced by a deeper connection with yourself, with others and with the natural world. Take care of yourself Kim xx Trust – it’s a slippery little sucker. What causes us to trust someone? Do you trust people implicitly or does it take a long time to build up and develop trust that is quickly destroyed? What do you trust people with – your secrets, your money, your heart, your life? Trust and vulnerability are a cornerstone of connection. It starts at birth. Babies trust their mothers to feed them, pick them up when they cry, cuddle them. Responsiveness and predictability are key to attachment and connection. As a psychologist, the relationship between myself and my client is inherently trust based. My clients trust that I will do the right thing by them. That I will listen and seek to understand without judgement. That I will value and respect their experiences, their goals, their vulnerabilities. Within the clinic space they can let down their guards and don’t need to be strong. They trust that I will guide them using proven methods and honour their journey. That I will work within my expertise and the ethical and legal boundaries of the profession. Did you realise that 50% of ‘success’ in therapy is due to the relationship between therapist and client. And when you think about how important trust is, this totally makes sense. Many years ago I sought out counselling through the services provided by my then work, and began seeing a therapist. This person crossed boundary lines. They crossed boundary lines in a number of ways. I followed their behaviour up with a complaint, but that too was unsatisfactory. This incident totally derailed the therapeutic process for me. It destroyed the connection. It created a mistrust of the counselling profession which I maintained for many years, and, a mistrust of my own experiences. Why am I telling you this? I have described an unequal power relationship which was abused by one party. This wasn’t the first time I experienced this and it wasn’t the last. It’s also not uncommon. You may have experienced something similar. Here is what may help:
If you are specifically looking for a mental health professional and want more information on professional and ethical conduct.:
I hope this helps. If you want to find out more about my story go to the latest podcast episode https://anchor.fm/kim-dunn/episodes/How-a-therapist-broke-my-trust---and-how-you-can-protect-yourself-against-something-similar-happening-to-you-ear293. As always you are welcome to email me or book an appointment on 0408533515. Until next time, take care of yourself Kim |
Categories
All
Disclaimer* My aim is for these posts is meant to useful, interesting and/or inspiring. They are not designed to be used for therapy.. If you are experiencing stress please contact your GP or mental health professional.
AuthorKim Ross is a Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Essential Self-Care for Psychologists. |
RSS Feed