Three top tips about parenting (and all other advice books). 1. Check the credentials of the author and make sure you are comfortable with them. 2. With a problem/issue in mind check out a few different books to see which one/s ‘feel’ right. It is OK, in fact good, to feel challenged, but sometimes the ideas the author puts forward are just not right for you. 3. Parenting books are optional. They can inspire, engage, educate and help you feel connected with other parents. Alternatively they may make you feel inadequate depending on how what is happening for you emotionally and what individual struggles and problems your family is dealing with. In these situations particularly, it may be more beneficial to talk one on one with someone and get some targeted advice. I like the books of Michael Carr-Greg, Andrew Fuller and Steve Biddulph because they tend to have some humour and practical advice. They are easy to pick up and dip and out of them, which is great for busy mums. I also think collections of stories where you here different voices around motherhood are great. (There are a couple of these in the below recommendations). A couple of books that target particular behaviours are Bully Blocking by Evelyn Field (just be aware there is bad language in parts of it as she writes about what children have said when bullying other children). There are a range of strategies in here that can be used depending on the situation and the personality of your child. Sexts, Texts & Selfies by Susan McLean who is an expert in cybersafety is worth looking at for some understanding of what your children face in the digital world. I asked some of my colleagues to recommend their favourite parenting book and have listed some of those below. They are in no particular order, and are quite varied in their style and content. The bigger, more complex ones might be great for holiday reading.
Towards Parenthood by Bronwyn Leigh and others. Recommended by Dr Tess Crawley from https://www.facebook.com/DrTessCrawleyAssociates/?ref=br_rs. Raising an emotionally intelligent child by John Gottman; Getting to Calm; The Launching Years; Wise Minded Parenting by Laura Kastner; and The Drama of being a Child by Alice Miller. Recommended by Natalie Turvey from https://www.facebook.com/DropOfLifePtyLtd/?ref=br_rs. No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel. This is recommended by both Dr Hayley Quinn from http://www.quinntessentialpsychology.com and Natalie Turvey. Momma Zen by Karen Miller; and Everyday Blessings by Myla and John Kabat-Zinn. These two are all very much about mindful parenting, self compassion and compassion Love Wisdom Motherhood by Jessica Rowe. A compilation of stories of the transition to Motherhood. The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel.. The Whole Brain Child is great in developing parenting skills but also empathy and compassion. (It was also recommended by Patricia Gee from Gallagher Psychology and Natalie Turvey.) The above were all recommended by Amiee-Jade Pember A Community Psych at New Directions Psychology Service in Ballajura, WA. The comments about the books are all hers. Parenting by Kathy Walker. Recommended by http://karepsychology.com.au.. Women who run with the Wolves. Recommended by Jamie Lee from https://www.facebook.com/30daysofgratitudeapp/. Jamie says “I love this book because it has the stories of women from around the world and different cultures to highlight our strength and stories that we carry with us. This book isn't specific to parenting but I love the story about the women that will protect her child but also nurture her child.” If you have your own favourite to share, you can do so below.
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Family connectedness starts with you. You can be the calm one in the house.
Stop wishing for the perfect life, the perfect children, and perfect home. If you find your inner voice saying things that include words like 'should' and 'it's not fair', 'if only' this is an indication that you are experiencing distorted thinking. Distorted thinking is one of the underlying causes of depression. If you are having these types of thoughts, chances are you are not feeling very happy. If you are not feeling happy and positive, it is unlikely your family is happy either. Start with where you are. One way to move forward is to practice ABOLD approach. A: Awareness. Notice the thoughts you are having e.g.. 'I wish my child would just do as they are told'. B: Breathe. Take 3 deep breaths. O: Own your thought or feeling. 'Isn't that interesting. I'm having the thought again that I wish my child would just do as they are told'. L: Let it go. You are not your thought. Often just acknowledging your thought will create a sense of release. Otherwise there are a range of techniques you can practice. The following are just a couple of suggestions. Imagine putting that thought into an envelope and posting it or shaping into a balloon and releasing it. Or imagine the thought in big letters and then shrinking it down so it fits in the palm of your hand. D: Do something. Ground yourself in the here and now. Sip water, wriggle your toes, hug your child, go for a walk. Reclaim yourself and the situation for how it actually is. Having worked with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents for over 17 years, Positive Young Minds offers private consultations where you can talk about your parenting challenges and your own self-care needs. Together creating calm, connection and confidence. Ever heard your teenager say, “thanks mum for suggesting I meditate, I feel so much better”? No, me neither. Yes, I know I am a psychologist who helps young people try new things and develop mindfulness in their life. At the moment in my family though, it does not include them wanting to meditate. However, that is the great thing about practicing mindfulness there are many paths and no one right way. Engaging in a creative activity or learning a new skill are two of these paths. The other day in my family, it was all about the crotchet. As a mum, it is wonderful when your teenager asks you to help them with something. To me it is affirming that I do still have a positive role I can play in their life. So, even though my crocheting skills are basic, I was happy to share them, just as my grandmother taught me about 40 years ago. And I know when I am stuck there is always on line help available from people such as the Crotchet Crowd to help me. As two of my children sat and crocheted the peace was palpable. As they concentrated hard on what they were doing, the mindfulness was evident. If you have a skill you shared with your young person, or your parent or grandparent shared with you, comment below. As always, thanks for reading and share this article with someone you think would enjoy it. Having worked with 1000s of children, adolescents and parents for over 17 years, I offer private consultations where together we can work on helping you create more calm and connection in your life. I have spoken a number of times about being BOLD and taking on new challenges. Well, this week we had a new addition to our family. Depending on the family member I can see Neil bringing out different strengths in all of us, including zest, teamwork, love of learning, perspective. curiosity and appreciation of beauty and excellence.
His name is Neil and he is a guide dog. We have taken on raising him for about the next 12 months before he is handed over (after a bit more intensive training) to his new owner. It is interesting to observe the comments and behaviours of my other family members. I have heard the sentence, "if this is what it's like to have kids, I don't want any" a couple of times. Sounds like this child may be developing a bit of perspective. As a 'new mum' I have woken up in the middle of the night thinking - 'I have heard the dog. I wonder if he's OK'. Then I remember he is a dog and not a newborn I need to feed, change, console. However, there is a similarity with the doubts about whether I am doing the right thing, and the different bits of advice you get from everyone. Also the constant knowledge that even when he is asleep I need to be alert to his next needs. As puppy raisers we have someone on the end of the line we can call, we have a manual and there are scheduled training sessions, there is a puppy raiser Facebook page. There are also five of us in the family to share the responsibility. I can't help compare this with the limited support I had when bringing home my first baby (thank you to those who were there for me at the time - it was super appreciated). I wasn't even part of Facebook then! Having at least one person to support you is so important for your mental health. It's one of the reasons Positive Young Minds exists, to be a friendly, accessible form of support. If you would love some help on your parenting journey, book a consultation together we can tackle the tricky bits. Together creating calm, connection, and confidence. Kim Ross Child Psychologist, Fierce Self-Care Advocate and Founder of Positive Young Minds |
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Disclaimer* These articles are provided by Kim Ross, Psychologist for general information and education . They are not designed to be used for therapy.. If you are experiencing stress please contact your GP or mental health professional.
AuthorKim Ross is an Online Psychologist and Founder of Positive Young Minds and Private Practice Sustainability. Archives
October 2023
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